Miriam DeWitt-Circus of horrors

Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I will apologize that I haven't read much or any of the other updates so I might get something wrong. However, I hope that won't discount any of the feedback I might give but that is here nor there. Let's get into it, shall we?

This is a short but thrilling read I say. I was curious about where this was going after the kissing scene but should have guessed that it would take a horror twist. I did enjoy how it started very mundane and somewhat romantic it helps with the sense of betrayal later on.

Even worse, she wouldn’t be herself after death…

I will say that this last line was quite chilling, it was a very impactful thing to end off on.

Now let's get into the feedback. I don't have much to say this time however there are a few things I would like to point out.

This isn't a big deal and since this is slightly older I do feel like some of this might be a little outdated. I noticed that you use the word and twice in a few sentences while this can be okay grammar wise it can come off as awkward. I would recommend looking at sentences going forward and when you clean it up before posting see if you can rephrase it to cut out the second "and".

After a while, Duane had walked Miriam over to a Victorian house painted crimson with white trim, just like the colors of a circus tent.

I feel this could be trimmed down a little to help the flow. I would rephrase it to be something like this.

After a while, Duane had walked Miriam over to a crimson Victorian house with white trim, just like the colors of a circus tent.

It's not perfect but a little less wordy.

[quote“Miriam, my dear. I’m not human. Children can have such power when they let their nightmares become a reality. I am but a demon manifested from nightmares cursed to be human, and my goodness, is it trying. I can never just be, I must always have a purpose for something.” Duane said.][/quote]

I like this but I feel there could have been a chance to show this rather than an info dump over this and the other dialogue. You could keep this but perhaps show things like a glimpse in his eyes before she's shoved into the closet. Maybe the human mask slips for a second or you could describe how the MC is happy but after the kiss something feels off. This could have been a neat little bit of foreshadowing.

This however is just my thoughts and by no means have to be implied if you don't want to. Regardless I enjoyed this little read and didn't mean to be harsh.

As always keep writing and remember to drink water!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite the eventful tale right here. It starts out a bit slower but wow does it escalate incredibly quickly there and things come to an end pretty much exactly as you would expect.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Miriam DeWitt and Duane Marshall held hands as they walked through the moonlit bridge, couples young and old strolling past. They had met in a park one day, discussing books, flowers, and all things poetic, and ever since then, they had been inseparable.

“Say, want to come to my house for a bit? We can have some time to ourselves.” Duane said.

Miriam nodded, a grin spreading on her face.

Hmm well this is quite the little start here. An innocent enough invitation from the surface and two people who seem to enjoy each other's company there but judging by that title I imagine there's going to be a little bit more to this than what immediately meets the eye.

After a while, Duane had walked Miriam over to a Victorian house painted crimson with white trim, just like the colors of a circus tent.

He held the door open for her and she walked through, excited to finally see his house for the first time…

And surprised to see that only one light was on, and that was the dim golden light from upstairs.

“I have a present for you up there. Follow me.” Duane said, appearing at the bottom step of the stairs.

Miriam looked back. Wasn’t Duane standing next to the door a second ago?

No matter. Perhaps he was just fast.

Well this is certainly a concerning moment. Whatever is up there most definitely isn't going to be good for poor Miriam and judging by that suspicious activity at the end we're not dealing with a regular old human either.

Only a single bed with rose print sheets, white, dainty curtains covering the window, and an oak nightstand where a lamp’s light shone softly.

“I don’t see any-“

Duane kissed her gently.

Oh, so that was the present? A kiss? How charming!

Miriam kissed him back, wrapping her arms around him, feeling embraced in his love, his light, his kindness. Surely, it couldn’t get any better than that? Just the two of them, entwined with each other, hearts belonging to the other, never to be apart, never-

Duane abruptly let go, throwing her in his closet. Miriam got up from the ground and was met with the door, the click of a lock sealing her in.

Well there we go. Things just go immediately wrong. I was honestly expecting that it was going to be a little bit more discreet at first but it seems we're jumping right now. Well time to see just how many horrors are about to happen here, given it seems she's just being trapped to be used for something later.

There was a lock on the closet door?

“Duane, what’s going on? What are you doing?” Miriam asked, voice rising with fear. It wasn’t like him to lock her away, to shove her in some place like she was nothing.

She heard Duane’s fingers tapping on the door. His absurdly long-sounding fingers.

“Miriam, my dear. I’m not human. Children can have such power when they let their nightmares become a reality. I am but a demon manifested from nightmares cursed to be human, and my goodness, is it trying. I can never just be, I must always have a purpose for something.” Duane said.

A chill went up Miriam’s spine. His voice sounded husky and fey-like, completely inhuman.

OOoh well that's very interesting moment right there. I was expecting something a little more directly horrifying but this is most definitely a fate worse than death right here, just sentencing Miriam to the terrible things he was going through an just tossing her away. Definitely creates quite an interesting moment right here.

“Now that my essence went through you during our kiss, I can fade away and you can be the nightmare that feeds on death. I am no longer obligated to exist. If you ever want to be free, you must curse someone else. Goodbye.” Duane said.

“Goodbye?! Goodbye?! Let me out! Let me go! Don’t leave me here!” Miriam cried out, banging on the door.

But she didn’t hear him.

Tears welled in her eyes as she banged harder, skin breaking from the wood splinters on the door. She was locked in, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t force her way out.

She had to get out. She couldn’t die. Not like that, alone and forgotten.

Even worse, she wouldn’t be herself after death…

Well this is certainly a fate worse than death. Cursed to turn into some sort of horrifying monster, one that is on top of that going to unbearable and having to process it all while trapped and unable to escape is quite the moment here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've done a wonderful job as always and we have ourselves another powerful origin, definitely a tragedy with a different flavor where there's some mild sympathy to the villain too. Its a lovely piece.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate