Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This is the origin of a character from my story, “Circus of horrors”. You can find the other origins and the main story under my folder, “Circus of horrors”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Elaine Degrassi stood at the plank, the drumroll a fast-paced rhythm in her ears. In a few moments, she would jump off the plank and lock fingers with her twin brother, Miles, and they would swing above the audience, perfect circus trapeze artists.
Somewhere in the blur of the ever-changing spotlight were her parents, watching them eagerly from below. She and Miles were taken to acrobatics classes at the young age of six, for their parents were once trapeze artists and wanted the same for them. It was a chance to “shine in life”.
Though it never happened, Elaine feared slipping up and falling to her death, the ground uncomfortably and overwhelmingly close.
She took a deep breath. There was no room for worries, only time to fly.
The last note of the drum hit and she leapt off the plank, long legs raised elegantly.
Falling to the padded mat at six years old, everyone giving her piercing looks. Even the other children did it.
But it was a padded mat, it didn’t hurt.
Hitting a wall as she swung on snakes of ribbons at eight. She went too fast and slammed her whole body. The whole class laugh, she made such a fool of herself.
She didn’t break any bones, though.
Crying when she twisted herself into a knot and didn’t know how to get out at ten. The coach yelling “You’re ten years old, don’t cry! Calm down, they’re only ribbons! It’s nothing to cry about. You knew what you were getting yourself into! Stop crying!”
And then, Elaine interlocked fingers with Miles, who hung upside down on the brown swing.
It was Miles who stood up for Elaine to the coach as he untied her that day. The coach ended up calling their parents, but that was alright. Elaine got to go home early.
It was Miles who checked to see if she had any bruises from slamming herself into the wall and it was Miles who helped her up when she fell.
Miles was the younger one by a few minutes, yet in a way, he was the older one. He never let their words get to him and he always told Elaine that what they thought didn’t mean a thing.
She could never quite be like him. Some part of her would always care about what they thought, it nagged at her brain.
But looking at his sparkling brown eyes and smiling face, Elaine felt at ease. The rest of the world was a lie, a story. No matter what, she would always have Miles. Miles, not only her brother, but her best friend.
What was that? Floating in the air? It looked like a pale woman, surrounded by black, growing smoke, the scent of dying dogs in the air.
“You didn’t honestly think that you’d ever make it out there, did you?” The woman asked.
Somehow, Elaine knew that the words were for her. That underneath the words was the plain and simple truth that as long as she ever truly worried, she would always be destined to fall or get herself tangled. The world was an unforgiving, evil place that would swallow her whole if she didn’t learn how to harden her heart.
Elaine never wanted to change. She wasn’t a trapeze artist and she certainly wasn’t stone cold. She wanted to love and to give, to be sensitive and cry, because that meant that she was human and not a flesh robot that could make art with her body.
Then, the worst of it happened.
She lost her grip on Miles. He screamed for help, there was a rush of voices in the audience. They were all concerned for her, they all feared for her life. How sweet that they should all care at the last minute.
Elaine could not scream, the woman wouldn’t let he. The only thing that Elaine saw was the woman, hanging above her, black smoke overcoming the stage lights and snuffing out the outside noises. Her heart raced in her chest, thoughts of never waking up bled into her mind.
Lost at six, died at fifteen.
Miles couldn’t save her then.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi there vampricone! Lim here with a review.
General Impressions
Elaine comes across as a tragic figure. It appears this backstory is primarily centered around the tragedy of her life and how no one but Miles (?) seemed to care about her as an individual or care about her feelings. Her being a trapeze artist is interesting to me, since I don’t come across a lot of stories told from the point of view of a trapeze artist - usually they appear as side characters and are narrated from someone else’s perspective. The story seems to end on a kind of cliffhanger or with an abrupt finish, probably because this is an origin story rather than a full plot on its own.
Plot
I liked the structure of this work. The beginning gets the reader right into the scene with Elaine about to begin her performance and feeling scared. That helps let us know what this story is all about and hooks the reader in.
I also like that you begin and end the story essentially with the same scene and setting: Elaine’s trapeze performance. The compact nature of a plot like this works well with a story of this length,
Another thing I liked was how Elaine’s fear of falling during a performance was discussed early on. That works to foreshadow what happens to her at the end, but it also doesn’t give away the supernatural element, so there’s still a surprise there.
Characters
I think you did a good job of writing a consistent character. All the details about Elaine such as relying on her brother, having insecurities, and struggling with how people perceive her in her trapeze classes all fit in with the idea that she wants to live in a more caring, considerate world and rejects the life of a high-performing trapeze artist.
I thought the introduction of the “pale woman” felt a bit too quick. Elaine doesn’t react much to her, even though this character is kind of central to bringing about her death. Since she doesn’t linger on it and there’s no time for her to question what is going on, it felt like it came a little out of the blue compared to the rest of the story, as though there wouldn’t have been much of a difference if Elaine had ended up falling on her own without supernatural interference.
Overall
I think this origin story successfully focuses on a problem or core theme in the life of the character, Elaine, which is that she doesn’t want to live in an uncaring world. One idea on where to go from here could be to balance Elaine’s arc with developing other elements in the story such as the mysterious pale woman, even if it’s just by adding a couple of lines.
Let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim
Thank you for reading!
This was an interesting read, I did spot a few grammar mistakes, but I’m not really professional enough to point them out. Instead I want to tell you how interesting your topic was, I’ve always wondered what a trapeze artist thinks about before and during a performance. I’ve always enjoyed the protective twin duo. It’s quite sad that she never really wanted the life she had. The ending did sorta confuse me, tho I could have missed something. The part about the woman hanging above her didn’t make sense to me. I would have really liked to have seen more terror in the end, especially if she’s falling to her death. Your story was pretty good tho all around and I’m excited to see what more you can do and improve at.
Stay spooky ~ creeps
I have other stories on my profile if you want to check them out. Thanks for reading!