*This story is underneath my folder titled “Kyla and Talia’s journey” and is a little bit of a story of their parents. Kyla and Talia originally came from one of my Christmas tales, I forgot which ones, but you can look under my folder titled “25 Christmas tales”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. More will be added later. Enjoy!*
ALERON AND LUNRIA-THE MEETUP
Aleron’s hand brushed against the girl’s hand as he picked up a hot chocolate cup. He was only out buying hot chocolate, he shouldn’t have gotten embarrassed over a slight touch.
But she was the girl he had a crush on, she was the girl he admired at school. The kind girl, the sweet girl.
The girl he had to keep his true identity from.
“Do you get hot chocolate out here every day? It’s the first time I’ve seen you.” The girl said.
Aleron blushed. He didn’t even know her name, why was he getting all flustered?
“Yes, I do. I’m Aleron.” He said.
Did he really have to introduce himself? Was he that desperate?
“Nice to meet you. The name is Lunria.” The girl said with a smile.
Lunria. Lunria. He would remember that.
……………………………………………………
ALERON TELLS HIS PARENTS
“She knows what we are. She’s not scared.” Aleron said.
He was with his parents at their house, having blurted out the truth about Lunria.
Mom grinned with joy, Dad gave him a hug.
At least there was one human who wasn’t frightened of them.
……………………………………………………
THALASSA AND DYRK-THE MEETUP
“Need some help reaching that?” One of store workers asked. His name tag read as: DYRK, and he seemed to be around Thalassa’s age.
“No thanks! I got it.” Thalassa said, reaching up to grab the dress. When going shopping during any season, especially Christmas, she would pick things out herself. She didn’t need any help.
But something about Dyrk seemed…endearing.
“Alright then. I hope that you have a good Christmas. It really is the most magical season.” Dyrk said with a smile.
He was about to leave, but then-
“I’m Thalassa!” She called out.
She wasn’t sure if she would ever see him again, but it would be nice if he knew her name.
“Thalassa. It was lovely to meet you.” Dyrk said, his smile seeming to grow.
He was just a store worker, but he was just so…sweet.
……………………………………………………
THALASSA-THE TRUTH
“Dyrk knows, and he’s not afraid of me.” Thalassa said.
She was supposed to go to bed, but she had to tell her parents what happened hours ago before she did so, before she fret about it at night.
“It’s good that he’s not afraid of you.” Mom said.
She and Dad were both watching TV, absorbed in their own worlds. From what she heard of them, angels and demons lived amongst humans for years, but over time, humans became less accepting of their ways.
“His parents might not feel the same way. Don’t ever tell them.” Dad said.
He was right. From what Dyrk said about them being in touch with the “real world”, she didn’t expect his Mom and Dad to like her.
“I won’t.” Thalassa said.
With that, she made her way up the stairs, glad that at least Dyrk still loved her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
i love how short this is, it kinda feels like i'm watching a tv show and we've skipped to the next scene to find out more about the other characters. Your dialogue is really great, and helps move the scenes along quickly and shows us more about the characters without telling us. I love the names too, they are so unique and cute!
Maybe Aleron would be thinking about how Lunria looked? Some description here would really work at bringing the whole scene together. Maybe here:
You could describe what her smile looks like; is it wide, showing her teeth? Is it a small smile? What colour are her lips? Or maybe she tucks her hair behind her ears and Aleron notices how pretty the colour of her hair is? I would love to know more about what these characters look like!
<3
Okay, thank you for your review%u2019
Hiya!
My name is Nadja, and I'll be reviewing your magical piece <3
Sunset:
Honestly when I first started reading I could already feel the nerves of our first character, meeting a crush out and about can be daunting! I love how you use cursive when mentioning specific thoughts and happenings.
Shining stars (Favorite bits):
I honestly really enjoy romance, and this story is so mysterious! I really love how you set up the talks with the parents like when Aleron talks to his parents:
"At least there was one human who wasn’t frightened of them."
This part really set the scene as to why he was so frightened, It honestly made my hard melt.
Moons Atmosphere (Improvements):
Honestly I don't see much only a few bits when you do your "..." you forget to put space between the dots and the new sentence you do afterwards like when you have this sentence:
"He was just a store worker, but he was just so…sweet."
Sunrise (Closing Thoughts):
You are an amazing writer, and I see you write a lot of stories, which I have read some of and they are always amazing! I hope you could use some of what i've said in this review, and have an amazing day!
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!