*This story is under my folder “Nothing will be lost”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=135. Enjoy!*
Cadell watched closely from the bushes. The boy had run back inside and left his action figures on the grass.
Cadell knew that it was bad to go in other people’s yards and snoop on them, but his parents were going to put the mask on him, and he wanted some time alone.
He pounced from the bushes and snatched up a few action figures, toys that his parents didn’t want to get him. He wouldn’t take too much, only a little bit.
“Hey! Get away from my toys now!” The boy cried out.
Cadell froze, dropping the toys in shock. The boy came out so fast, and he was rightfully upset with Cadell. How could he sneak in, as though he belonged?
“I-I’m sorry. I just wanted to play. I’ll…I’ll go now.” Cadell said.
Nobody was supposed to sneak into anybody’s yards, ever. His parents were waiting, it was best not to stay too long.
“Wait! You said you just wanted to play, right?” The boy asked.
Cadell stopped in his tracks. He nodded. What was the boy getting at?
“Come over! Play with me!” The boy said, waving him over.
For real? The boy wanted him around?
“Really?” Cadell asked.
“Yeah, uh…uhm…what’s your name?”
“Cadell.” He said.
The boy beamed brightly at him, just as Roxie did a few years ago.
“I’m Ansel. Come on now, play with me!” The boy cried out excitedly.
Cadell joined him, wasting not a second at the prospect of playing with a new friend.
Roxie and Ansel were his friends. He wasn’t alone anymore.
He had friends. People who cared enough to want his time!
Nothing could get better than that!
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141,497 Literary Works • 674,536 Reviews
The character named Cadell seems to be a kind child at heart but will consider stealing to get what he really wants if he thinks doing so won't be a big deal. Since he does feel bad about trying to steal when he's caught, he does feel like a child who still hasn't fully learned right from wrong. He also wants to have friends, a very normal wish for a child. Cadell's parents seem to be strict people who don't let their son play with children's toys and even force him to wear a mask, which also makes me wonder exactly who Cadell is. This is a good story!
Hello creeper!! This story had an incredibly straightforward setup, and I loved the innocence it carried. The bittersweetness is created by the fact that Cadell does something wrong, but the reasoning behind it is actually quite understandable.
I particularly liked:
This quote already shows that Cadell is not trying to steal the toys because of some evil intentions of his. Instead, he needs someone to play with, which adds extra sweetness to the interaction. The fact that Ansel did not get mad and invited him to play was a very wholesome experience
I also found it particularly sweet how Cadell expected rejection but instead got invited in. The repeating phrase:
emphasizes the significance of this moment for him. What may appear small for Ansel means a lot to Cadell.
Something that could be developed further is the shift from Cadell taking the toys to the invitation to stay and play by Ansel. Since it happens rather abruptly, it would be nice to see some sort of reaction from Cadell when Ansel invites him to play. Just a couple of lines about his surprise or disbelief could add some weight to this moment.
Also, there were a few minor things that should be fixed. Such as: “Cadell knew that it was bad to go in other people's yards,” could be written as “Cadell knew it was bad to go into other people's yards,” and “Nobody was supposed to sneak in anybody’s yards” could use some improvement.
Make sure to be mindful of your italicized words. Using to many can have them lose meaning on the reader.
All in all, this was a sweet short story. The idea of someone feeling utterly lonely and finally receiving the long-awaited friendship is quite touching. Plus, the ending made me smile. It was quite wholesome XD
Hi creeper! Another nice little story. Aside from the mention of Cadell's parents, there's nothing creepy here really, just two sweet little kids!
A nice opening! But there's a typo where you said 'let' instead of 'left'
Nice characterisation here, but I don't think this needs to be a separate line, it could be a continuation of the paragraph to make it a longer opening.
You should mention which toys he took! It would tell us more about his character!
Should be a comma after 'now' and before the quotes. But poor Cadell
Same here, should be a comma and a lowecase H
THIS IS TOO WHOLESOME I'M SCARED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM NOW (Maybe you could add a tiny creepy little cliffhanger?)
Keep writing!