*This story is underneath my folder titled “Nothing will be lost”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=45. Enjoy!*
Cadell liked ice cream, just like any other kid. Sure, he ate a lot of…meat…but he never meant to! The urge would come rising back up when he tried to shove it down.
He waited in line for the sweet, sugary taste of ice cream. He’d be sure to get rainbow sprinkles, so that his would be colorful and delicious!
“Which one do you think you’re getting?” The girl in front of him asked.
If she didn’t turn around to face him, he wouldn’t be sure that she was talking to him at all.
“Vanilla with sprinkles. That’s what I like.” Cadell said. He didn’t expect any other kids to talk to him, but it was nice to be noticed.
“Really? I can’t decide if I want strawberry swirl or rocky road!” The girl cried out.
“Pick whatever you like.” Cadell said. He didn’t know if there was supposed to be a certain thing he was supposed to say, or an answer she wanted to hear. He told her what he thought, and that was that.
“I guess I’ll have to decide when I get there.” The girl said sulkily. Her blue eyes were dimmed in disappointment, she twirled a strand of her bright blond hair.
He was supposed to give her an answer, and because he didn’t, she didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Just like that, she didn’t even want to speak to him.
“Anyway, what’s your name?” The girl asked brightly, seemingly forgetting about what happened earlier.
Cadell blinked. She wanted to know his name? She wanted to continue talking to him?
“I’m Cadell. You?” He asked.
“Roxie. It’s nice to meet you.” She said with a smile. Somebody was smiling at him! Somebody was happy with him!
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Cadell said, returning the grin, but being careful enough to smile with his lips, not his teeth.
She wouldn’t want to see his teeth. No one would.
They were next up in line. Cadell made note to be grateful for the moment, before he would get hungry again.
He didn’t want to be hungry again…
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139,269 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello, hello!
I like how this shows that Cadell doesn't quite understand the social rules of the conversation and is trying to work out what Roxie expects from him. The repetition of "supposed to" makes the sentence a little clunky, though, so I'd rephrase one of them. Something like He didn't know whether there was a particular answer she wanted to hear would be smoother.
This is probably my favourite moment because it shifts the scene from sweet to unsettling without changing Cadell's tone. His excitement that someone is happy to speak to him makes him quite endearing, so the reminder of what he is lands well. It could also be nice to give the tiniest hint of what is wrong with his teeth, though keeping them unseen does create some good suspense!
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Once again, I like this! I like the contrast between Cadell wanting an ordinary childhood experience and his fear of becoming hungry again. His tendency to assume Roxie has rejected him after one disappointed response makes him seem lonely and unused to other children, which helps us sympathise with him despite the references to eating meat.
I do think you could strengthen it further by giving us a little more of Cadell's physical reaction to hunger, but the ending already does a good job of reminding me that this pleasant moment can't last forever.
Cheers!
Lip
I’m glad you enjoyed this and thx for the advice!
And another one for today :3
Ohh another meat eater that really enjoys ice cream. I kinda like how ice cream is a positive throughline through all your stories :3
Dialogue formatting ☹
Gotta love how the kid immediately jumps to the worst conclusion when there’s a pause in conversation. Shows that he really didn’t get much social contact huh?
Well and… given that maybe he would eat her if he went too hungry…. Oh no ☹
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yes I love ice cream, I put it in a lot. ^v^
Thx for reading and the advice!