*This story is underneath my folder titled “Zombies of Mariesville”. Gacha Club characters are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1155. Enjoy!*
In a town called Mariesville, where everything was appropriately mundane, there lived a sixteen year old boy named Braden, who loved his friends, Luisa and Charles, dearly, but not as much as he loved his girlfriend, Josette.
He clung to Josette when they watched a movie together, studying her big, brown eyes, twirling strands of her black, purple-and-white streaked hair. He went on arcade dates with her and he made sure to always order garlic oil drenched chicken tenders, as it was their favorite meal to have together at the arcade and when they laid down together on a couch that was either hers or his, she’d rest her hand against his cheek and he’d close his eyes, leaning into her touch.
Braden had been friends with Josette ever since they were little. She had brought her headphones and tablet with her to school, listening to music on it during breaks. He had asked her what she was listening to and she had smiled, showing him on her tablet the song that she was pla and from then on, their relationship had grown into something more.
He knew that deep down, he would always love and recognize her, even when his mind had broken into nothingness.
Even if he lost his humanity, she’d bring him back to Earth. He knew it.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hia!
Let’s move on to this story, shall we?
I’m not sure what you want to hear from me. As per usual, this piece is very short and ripped from its own narrative. It lacks a central theme to work as a standalone thing.
It’s nice to hear the context on how exactly Braden went with his relationship with Josette, although even in this it lacks… a critical moment to really show why these two clicked. This is a summary instead of a story and that makes me sad. You know short pieces like this can work if you wrap them around a critical moment. I think you hit that critical moment in a few of your very short pieces but this one doesn’t work for me.
And there’s also the inherent repetition of “listening to” here that kinda works against your narrative too, here:
Though I do like this final line really digging into just how far he will go for Josette, and how much emphasis he places on her for his own mental health.
I honestly can't say I know much about your Mariesville series, but it involves zombies! This seems to be describing more of a backstory/relationship between Braden and Josette. I imagine this is before they lost their humanity. Once they go on to do such, he still harbors a love for Josette.
I would say this is my favorite description here. I love how you add little bits of character in your texts. Things like "garlic oil drenched chicken tenders" (gross btw) really allows us to understand that these are people in a real world, not just pastiches of characters.