Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is under my folder “A creature of love”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=135. Enjoy!*
Keir licked off the blood from his fingers as he stared at the mangled bodies of Mara’s Mom, Dad, and her little brother, Maverick.
She saw him the day after she spoke to him in the night. Even though she was awake, Mara still loved him, just as Kayna did.
He was starving. Mara had a family who didn’t notice much of her. So, he killed them. He fed himself.
Mara laced her hand with his claw, kissing his bloodied cheek.
“You did wonderful, Keir.” Mara whispered.
All over again, he felt butterflies twirl and fly around his stomach. The same boundless, free feeling he felt when he first met Kayna, when he wanted to give Kayna everything.
“Watch this.” Mara said.
Keir turned around to look at her.
She reached deep into her mouth and pulled out a few of her teeth, placing them in Keir’s open palm.
Keir smiled.
She had given him her teeth, just as he had given her his teeth.
Just like how it was with Kayna before it happened…
“This is where I go, Mara. Because of your love, I feel more sure of myself to leave this place. To feed. You’re never going to see me again, but always think of me when you see my teeth.” Keir said softly.
Mara beamed in understanding, tears in her eyes. Neither of them wanted to let go, but it had to be done. No one could stay for long with a monster like him.
He kissed her on the cheek and crept off into the night to feed on the others that lived in town.
Mara told him earlier that she would live with her Grandparents, that she would never speak of what truly happened.
Keir was fine with that. He was free, she was free.
His fate was not the same as Atticus’.
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138,559 Literary Works • 672,162 Reviews
Hi! Back again for another review. This one was simple, creepy and even a little touching with the relationship between Keir and Mara!
I think there's a typo here, and you meant to say he licked the blood off of his fingers or maybe from his fingers. I also think that because Keir licking blood is such a dark image, you should give it room to breathe and separate it, maybe something like: Below him lay what was left of the family: Mara's mother first, then her father, then the smallest body; her brother Maverick.
I think this confuses the narrative a bit because I thought this was going to centre on Keir but we're switching to Mara. The first sentence is also a bit confusing, because I don't know which day or night this was. Yesterday? A week ago? 'She had seen him yesterday morning, after speaking to him the night before' or whatever is the correct timeframe.
Creepy!!!
Ooh i love this line!
'He felt butterflies twirl and fly around his stomach all over again' reordering it just makes the emphasis land more on the butterfly feeling, which is the action in the sentence. English tends to give more stress to whatever comes first or last in a sentence, and the middle of the sentence gets swallowed, so this way we know he is feeling butterflies, and we know its happened before, which are the most important bits!
Keep writing!
Thx!
Wow, I love how gnarly this is! The dynamic between Mara and Keir is so interesting, too - the giddiness and tenderness alongside the utter certainty that they have to be apart. I'm very curious to know what led both of them to a place where they can come to this conclusion so quickly and with so much ease.
The exchanging of teeth is a fantastic image. I like how it sits next to Keir murdering Mara's family: violence as gift, violence as proof of love, whether it's being done to yourself or somebody else. It's so messed up! And I mean that as a compliment! There's something in removing your own teeth, too - literally defanging themselves, removing the ability to do harm and placing it in the other's hands. It's rich soil, and I would encourage you to dig into it more deeply. I don't just mean thematically - pulling your own teeth out is a horrifying image, but I don't quite feel it in this passage. Maybe add some sensory details, or draw the action out a bit more?
This is quite a cliche image, and you may want to consider switching it up, buuuut... I kind of like it! There's a very fun dissonance in having the stereotypical teenage-crush imagery sitting alongside the horror and devastation. If anything, I'd encourage you to lean into it even harder. Keir just ate her family, right? Maybe the butterflies are twirling and flying in and around their half-digested corpses. Just a thought.
I love the simplicity of this - it's very practical in its contentment, and does a lot of work to characterise Keir.
Some miscellaneous nitpicks:
'Wonderfully' would sound more natural.
I assume that first 'he' should be 'she'?
wait you are onto something with the butterfly metaphor and corpses