A/N: Not necessarily fiction, and definitely not my usual mode of writing. Testing the first-person waters and the -tenses. Putting this one out there this way makes me nervous. haha
When I was ten years old, my dad would take me on a drive to LA with him at an obscenely early hour. Just before the crack of dawn. He’d usually be taking me mom to work, but then it’d just be us after we dropped her off. I’d still be in my pajamas and cuddled underneath a fleece blanket in the passenger seat, sometimes conked out on the ride home. But more often than not, we’d go to a drive-thru donut place or to Burger King for some breakfast.
There was once a woman at a drive-thru who gave us our food one morning. She was still young enough to be in college, maybe. I remembered her because of the way she looked at us with warmth and kindness in her smile. I remember thinking how it was too early for anyone to be smily.
“She sick?” she asked my dad in a sympathetic, knowing tone of voice. I’d been under a blanket and the seat was reclined. I guess it was an appropriate association. But my dad huffed a chuckle and just said, “No, just cold.”
Memories like these must seem quite mundane and boringly simple to many, but when I think of my dad and me, I think of these kinds of mornings. I think of cold warmth—cold mornings, but warm hearts. I think of… simplicity.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey Baerr!
~ I don't think this is...enough...to stand alone, perhaps change the period before it to a comma and add it to the previous sentence, to clarify 'obscenely early'. (Which, I also find a funny way to express that hour. xD)Shady here with your review!
~ Typo, my.
~ My dad and I.
~~~
I liked it. It was short and sweet, to the point but narrative at the same time and effective in translating the memory of you and your dad. I thought it very nice.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Hi, Gummy Bear!
Dad-daughter relationships are so lovely to read about in my opinion! In this case at least, when they're good.
Well, isn't this a sweet piece of memory.
I like your style of writing. It flows smoothly and there's nothing that would stand out in a bad way and disturb the reading experience. That's very good!
I think you need to clarify this a little. I mean, it's quite obviously the woman at the till, but somehow the way you say it now makes it a bit vague. "There was once a woman" - I'd imagine that has happened more often than just once, since it was their thing to go to drive-throughs. So perhaps rephrase this bit!
I like the ending, but I think you should swap the places of these two sentences. The first sentence of the quote is so lovely, it should have the honour of ending this. It would sound better the other way around.
Overall, I liked this! It was very sweet and nicely written.
Demeter
x
I find first person writing quite hard as well but this was alright. I mean, it wasn't spectacularly good or anything but it wasn't bad either. I guess the only question on my mind right now is where is this going?
So far, you have you and the trips and now this waitress. I do notice how the mother isn't there at all so maybe it's going somewhere with that but you did say that it wasn't necessarily fiction so...
If this was longer, maybe I would have more to say about it. But as it stands, it's alright, not that bad, maybe needs a bit more plot development. I don't know, maybe you are going to develop the plot in future paragraphs that you might add.
Kasim.