A/N:Here's the latest I've written. It's short, and I'm not entirely sure how I like it, but I want to share it anyway. It's meant to be as cryptic as it seems, but I hope you enjoy!
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“Hello dear,” were the only words on the page for what felt like hours. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to. But time ticked on, and the weight of urgency pressed against her shoulders persistently. With a sigh, she stroked the point of her pen along the nearly blank length of parchment.
I’m leaving tomorrow, my love. You know that it’s necessary, and you know that you cannot follow.
Her eyes welled with tears she wasn’t proud of. But still, she pushed on.
You are not safe with me. You know that as well, and you know why. But listen to me, my love. You must forget me. Our life together lasted only months; it is nothing when compared to a whole lifetime. You must forget me and live a different life. Please, I beg of you to love another and enjoy a life that would be worth telling your grandchildren.
I would make my farewells in person, but you must understand—
If I were to even catch a glimpse of your yellow-brown eyes, of that peculiar dimple between your creased eyebrows, of the subtle lift of your lips when you smile… my love, I wouldn’t be able to bear a departure.
She heard unfamiliar noises on the streets below, and was reminded of the urgency of her situation.
My time is limited, my love. I must go.
Forgive me,
CA
She laid her lips against a corner of the parchment, and it came away with the faint impression of her pink-painted lips against it. A tear streamed down her cheek as she folded the letter shut and hastily scrawled her beloved’s name against the exterior.
Delicately, she placed her adieu atop his trousers. Never before had she ever been so grateful that he slept like a rock. She cast one last glance to his sleeping form as she donned her coat, knotted her scarf around her neck, and gathered up her bag.
The night was dark and wintry when she fled the life she was to never return to.
Fin.
I enjoyed the plot theme of this story, and very much like the entire idea of it. I would suggest adding a bit more though. A bit more detail. I know you were going for the cryptic out look on things (wonderful job on that, by the way) but you don't want t be so cryptic that there's nothing there for the reader to grab unto as far as subject or message wisdom goes. I really enjoyed this piece all the same. My suggestion: more diction and more detail!
Keep writing!
There's not enough here for me to care about either of the characters. Ergo, the story means nothing to me.
I have no doubt this could have emotional impact in a larger framework. Right now it's a snippet, a tiny excerpt, from a wider story you could tell. If I knew more about what drove her to write the letter and the circumstances surrounding it, it could mean a whole lot more.
Essentially, there's no conflict. You skipped the conflict and given us the resolution; your readers have been robbed of the conflict itself. So I suggest building on this. You have your ending. Now show us the characters, show us the reasons behind her decision. Make us care.
And then this short part will mean a whole lote more.
wonderful short-story, and very well written!
Despite the lack of background knowledge to the character's situation I find I can still feel her sense of urgency and sorrow. It would be even better if you were to explain what was going on and why she was running away though.
Loved it!! Just would like a bit more information about why shes running for her life. Otherwise AWESOME!!!!!!!
The best way that I can describe this piece is that it seems ever so delicate.
I can't say whether I liked or disliked it. I mean, I liked the sentiment behind it but it all comes off as a bit *too* smoochy for my liking. But that's just my opinion, someone might see it as being romantic, but not for me.
I did enjoy how it was written though, and the intricate details given to body language was excellent as well as recreating the delicate movements of her limbs; I liked that quite a bit.
So overall, while I can't give a bigger or better review, I think I did enjoy the story - it may not be my cup of tea, but don't let that deter you. I don't like a lot of things :')
If you've any questions/queries feel free to send 'em my way!
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