And the dark thoughts expand once again.

Leonie, I rememeber slightly what poem you are on about but I swear that I don't know where it is!
If I knew, I would upload it!!
I kind of want to find it now actually

And Zekkie876, Thank you very much ^_^

loved it

You didn't lose the one about the clock-i really like that one, its so nice, its like 'tick tock, the clock strikes one, tick tock something, something i forget what comes next but its genius! i want to read it again, please?

Thanks Wondergirl! :3
If you don't mind my asking, why is it so frustrating?
Yeah! I usually have the most insane amazing dreams and it sucks to wake up haha!
Thanks, and I will.

You know, that one about the clock, in the back of your copy today. It was something like Tick tocthe clock strikes three' or something. i can't reall remember but i remember it was good. okay, somethings going on with the keyboard at tick tocthe keepsdeleting! Ahh, this is strange!

This is so frustrating! But I love it! I hate that it was just a dream but amazing writing and I want more. Keep writing!!!

Haha, I was on Deviant art when we were on the computers.
Which poem did I not lose?

I am in gardening while writing this. i just got that message now. you didn't lose that poem!

LeonieLacey wrote:So it was B1 who inspired you on this poem Chynel? Interesting. I didn't know you wrote about B1. Hand on heart, i didn't laugh, seriously. Like i said before, this poem is brilliant. You should post some more, theres some i read a while ago that were exceptional. What about that one with the clock? Or some short stories you wrote for english? i'm surprised it was a lovely, sad french song that inspired you and not your poetic Japanese pop/rock music. Anyway, still reminds me of your manga and all that. Please keep writing and posting. I can't wait to read more!

So it was B1 who inspired you on this poem Chynel? Interesting. I didn't know you wrote about B1. Hand on heart, i didn't laugh, seriously. Like i said before, this poem is brilliant. You should post some more, theres some i read a while ago that were exceptional. What about that one with the clock? Or some short stories you wrote for english? i'm surprised it was a lovely, sad french song that inspired you and not your poetic Japanese pop/rock music. Anyway, still reminds me of your manga and all that. Please keep writing and posting. I can't wait to read more!

LastPaladin wrote:Greetings, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, I shall now explain right away I didn't like this, and I admit I can be rather harsh, but please don't take these as personal attacks on you as a whole, but rather to help you improve. To begin with, nothing really made me feel the emotion in this, as you're new to poetry, I'll spare the lecture, and instead offer some advice, remember this, show don't tell, be sure to make others feel the emotion you put in, don't tell us it, as it's just a story which relies on who reads it, not how it's read. For instance is Christopher Walkens read this he could make this emotional.

Now to explain this further, you give us a simple image, but never really evoke the said image in our minds, instead it just sorta lazily sits in our mind, to be soon forgotten. See it's too simplistic for what you wish. That is to say it's not a bad idea, just you never really try grasp the bull by the horns and really make us feel it. So sadly it comes off quite contrived and overall weak.

You have some promising lines for instance,

Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

but they never really are given the full chance to shine like you wish. Beautiful prose sadly doesn't make a poem, when the rest falls apart.

So my advice is to read more poetry on here, you will soon begin to notice how you can have beautiful prose but also show us everything rather than scream it outright. Best piece of advice I can give you is this, be subtle, it's what I always remember when writing poetry.

Hope this helps.

LeonieLacey wrote:This is the one you showed me before! I'm sorry i laughed, i think it's really beautiful and flowing, and you have a truly special style. Of course, it makes me think of your manga drawings, and i can see the story playing in my head.It's like a mini drama. Did you get your inspiration from your drawings? I especially like the final line, it was a great conclusion and very creative. Theres a few spelling mistakes, but you can correct them yourself. It was brilliant. Leonie

Greetings, I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, I shall now explain right away I didn't like this, and I admit I can be rather harsh, but please don't take these as personal attacks on you as a whole, but rather to help you improve. To begin with, nothing really made me feel the emotion in this, as you're new to poetry, I'll spare the lecture, and instead offer some advice, remember this, show don't tell, be sure to make others feel the emotion you put in, don't tell us it, as it's just a story which relies on who reads it, not how it's read. For instance is Christopher Walkens read this he could make this emotional.

Now to explain this further, you give us a simple image, but never really evoke the said image in our minds, instead it just sorta lazily sits in our mind, to be soon forgotten. See it's too simplistic for what you wish. That is to say it's not a bad idea, just you never really try grasp the bull by the horns and really make us feel it. So sadly it comes off quite contrived and overall weak.

You have some promising lines for instance,

Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

This is the one you showed me before! I'm sorry i laughed, i think it's really beautiful and flowing, and you have a truly special style. Of course, it makes me think of your manga drawings, and i can see the story playing in my head.It's like a mini drama. Did you get your inspiration from your drawings? I especially like the final line, it was a great conclusion and very creative. Theres a few spelling mistakes, but you can correct them yourself. It was brilliant. Leonie

cfakc wrote:Yeah, spaces after all of your commas (, ) and periods (. ). Was it betrayed trust? Or a broken heart? Or was it open for interpretation? Or was it just written on a whim?

rebelinsilence wrote:

chynelk5 wrote:

Winged angel of the night,
Fly into my nightly visions.
Change the course of the path I set,
As I sway in and out of conciousness.
#FF0000 ">Take the first full stop away and replace it with a comma.

With sword in hand,you fight the dark.
Your shield shining like the sun.

Then #FF0000 ">No Comma!hand in hand,you take me back#FF0000 ">,
Running through flower-filled meadows of twilight,
Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

Kissed softly on the forehead,you whisper "I'll not be gone long".
Then you fade,as I clasp the reminant of your forgotten hand.

I open my eyes,and rise from the floor I lay.
I look,but you're not there.Nowhere to see.
Fist clenched, I shake with rage,crying "where have you gone?".

I just wanted you to know how I felt.

Thsi is brill! i love it keep writing !

RIS!

itsjustemilie wrote:Great poem
love your style!



happy writing

Yeah, spaces after all of your commas (, ) and periods (. ). Was it betrayed trust? Or a broken heart? Or was it open for interpretation? Or was it just written on a whim?

Great poem
love your style!



happy writing

chynelk5 wrote:

Winged angel of the night,
Fly into my nightly visions.
Change the course of the path I set,
As I sway in and out of conciousness.
#FF0000 ">Take the first full stop away and replace it with a comma.

With sword in hand,you fight the dark.
Your shield shining like the sun.

Then #FF0000 ">No Comma!hand in hand,you take me back#FF0000 ">,
Running through flower-filled meadows of twilight,
Past the shattered mirrors of broken water.

Kissed softly on the forehead,you whisper "I'll not be gone long".
Then you fade,as I clasp the reminant of your forgotten hand.

I open my eyes,and rise from the floor I lay.
I look,but you're not there.Nowhere to see.
Fist clenched, I shake with rage,crying "where have you gone?".

I just wanted you to know how I felt.