When everyone tells you that you talk too much, you take notice and work to fix that. That’s what people used to say to me. Now they don’t say anything to me. I’m pretty much invisible. Sometimes I think I’m dead. People don’t notice me much. I'm ignored at home and at school, but I watch everything, I hear everything. I know everything about everyone, but no one knows a thing about me.
“Ahh!” Katie screams, pointing at the table she’s sitting at with a long, manicured fingernail. “A bug!”
Katie used to be my best friend. I changed for her. Now the whole table is screaming. All because of a silly little bug. I’m not scared, but I don’t move. I sit in my plastic chair. The clock on the wall ticks slowly. The sound vibrates in my ears with a ringing. I want the class to end.
Our teacher puts her hands on her hips and tuts. One of the boys gets up and puts his arms around Katie. Katie begins to sob. I watch, not saying a word. Another boy comes to the table with a heavy book. It’s his math textbook from the lesson before. He slams the book down on the bug. It's dead.
I haven’t moved. Neither has anyone else since the bug was killed. I think that was many minutes ago. I think time has frozen. I look up at the clock. No, it’s still ticking away. The teacher walks over to Katie and grabs her by the collar, muttering something about insolent girls and bugs. Katie yells something about child abuse.
The teacher puts her outside and closes the door. She’s mad, we can all tell. No one dares to move. We’re frozen until she yells at us to get on with our work. I raise my book back up to my eyes and read. I’m not reading, just pretending to. I’m really watching the teacher and class. Everyone is silent. The girls are whimpering in their seat, and the boys are passing notes between the tables. The teacher is behind her desk, glaring at everyone. Nobody dares to move. The bell goes, a loud buzzing rings throughout the school. Nobody moves a muscle. The teacher doesn’t let us go. We continue reading. She stands up. All heads jerk upwards.
“Behave yourself next time,” she hisses. “I don’t want anymore of your tomfoolery. Now get out before I give you all detentions.”
Everybody stands up and walks out the door. I’m alone in the room with the teacher. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I lift my things and make my way for the door. She’s still doesn’t say anything.
I open the door.
"Wait," she says.
I turn around, a little suprised at being talked to.
"Thanks."
I nod and leave, always silent.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I really liked how the story is not about silence but rather, how you have taken the topic of silence and weaved a story around it. I really liked your writing style; you have somehow managed to narrate the story in a distant faraway voice that made me feel as if the narrator was there and yet not really there. It made me empathize with her on a different level and made the story feel even more personal somehow.
Here, I thought the narrator was being a little dramatic. I can understand how she feels among a group of people who neither get her or acknowledge her, but thinking she is dead is maybe taking it too far. Still, I like the emotion you have managed to convey here through the short introduction at the beginning. It sets the mood of the story very well, and we can form some kind of a vague idea about what this story is going to entail.
I did not understand this part very well. Her friend began to sob because a bug sat on her table? And a boy got up to comfort her in the middle of the class? I am not sure how realistic this entire situation is. Sure bugs can often cause commotion in classes, but no matter how big that bug or no matter how much of a drama queen that girl is, I don't think it still warrants that kind of a reaction. This whole scene was a little unbelievable and it kind of effects the narration in its entirety because the entire story is based around this one scene alone.
I really liked this almost non-existent interaction between the teacher and student, even though I did not exactly understand if she was thanking her for not participating in the ruckus during the bug scene or for something else. Still, this quiet moment conveys a lot without really saying anything, and now I wish you had included the teacher a bit more in the story. Even if it was through the narrator's observations, I would have really liked to know what she was thinking in that moment as well.
Overall, this was a really good story. It was a bit lacking in descriptions and details and I think that was a really big missed opportunity. Usually people who are silent are rather excellent observers of human nature. You could have made up for the lack of dialogue through the use of description and it would have gone really well with the main theme of the story.
Other than that, I would have loved some details of the narrator's life as well. For example, why is she so quiet? We have been led to believe that she was not always so reserved and used to talk quite a lot. However, in the next line we are told she is no longer that person. This transition remained unexplained to me, and I feel that unless we understand it, we cannot really understand the narrator as well.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I was going through my portfolio and finally decided to edit this. Please tell me what you think of it now.
Thanks for the comments. I'll fix it up as soon as I get enough time!
Why is the MC in school if he's invisible? Why doesn't he skip?
And how did he become invisible?
chocoholic--
You might be on to something, but the plot here needs some work in the "Believability" department.
For starters, I have a difficult time believing a girl would "sob" because a bug was on her table unless she was under the age of twelve or so. But then you have her sobbing onto a guy's shoulder -- obviously some kind of sign of affection (or affectation?) -- which indicates to me somebody at least twelve or older; that aside, I don't think I've ever seen something like this occur in a middle or high school setting, so that may have something to do with my reaction. In other news, there are several other bizarre happenings here: no teacher, to my knowledge, would say something about "insolent girls"--they'd be immediately fired. I also have a hard time understanding the part about her yelling child abuse--I see what she's doing, but that seems simply over the top and unnecessary and, in all honesty, works against constructing this girl as a real human being.
Best,
Brad
This is an interesting little piece of work. The concept of silence has always intrigued me and you give enough hints in this for the reader to wonder why the girl is silent and what went on between her and her friends that made her so. Are you going to be adding more to this? I think you should.
Your descriptions are a little weak in places but that's easily fixed. Just add a little more imagery of the setting and the characters. Your sentence lengths are good and the story flows well so no problem there and I have just a few minor suggestions -
The teacher walks over to Katie and grabs her [s]on[/s] by the collar, muttering something about insolent girls and bugs.
The girls are whimpering in their seats, and the boys are passing notes between the two tables they’re sitting at.
She[s]’s[/s] still doesn’t say anything.
Other than that, if you add some more descriptions and extend this, I think it has the potential to be really good. You have an interesting main character who most people can relate to and so far I've enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you make any changes or post more!