This is a songfic that I wrote. The plot is mine but the lyrics belong to Christina Aguilera
Young girl don't cry I'll be right here
When your world starts to fall, ohh
Young girl it's alright
Your tears will dry
You'll soon be free to fly, ohh
When you're safe inside your room, you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
Maria watched her little sister Bella cry in her room. The girl’s parents were
fighting again, and the 13 year-old was greatly affected by it.
It pained Maria to see Bella like this. The two had always been close, but
when their parents started fighting, the usually lively Bella had drawn
herself away from the world, and Maria. Now Bella spent her nights in her
room, crying away, not knowing that Maria was always standing outside her
door, wishing that there was something she could do.
“Why won’t they stop fighting?” Bella sobbed into her pillow. They young girl
felt so out of everything. She had pushed away her friends and the family
money was running it. Bella never knew where the next meal would be
coming from.
“You don’t deserve this,” Maria whispered just quiet enough so Bella
wouldn’t hear her.
Before the fighting had started, Maria and Bella were beautiful and popular,
with loving parents and lots of money. But then their parents started
arguing every night and the two girls no longer brought their friends home.
Maria had some idea of what was going on because she was close to their
mum, but Bella was being kept in the dark.
Maria yearned to reassure her little sister that everything would be okay,
she pleaded with her parents to let her take the young girl away from the
broken home, but they refused.
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just
Trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to
Trust the voice within
Young girl don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away, ohh
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day, ohh
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside, look inside to your soul
Maria kept a close eye on Bella throughout the next week, while continually
requesting permission from her parents to take her little sister away.
It was just after she walked through the door after school that she caught
Bella sneaking down the stairs with a bag.
“What are you doing Bella?” Maria demanded as Bella tried to push past
her older sister.
“I’m leaving,” Bella grumbled. “I can’t stand being here. I’m going to stay
with Shay for a while, then I’ll get flat when I turn 16.”
Maria reached out to Bella, but she pulled away.
“Oh Bella,” Maria sighed. “You can’t run away from your problems.”
“That’s easy enough for you to say,” Bella looked darkly at her sister, then
raised her voice. “You don’t have any problems! You’re absolutely, bloody
PERFECT! And it’s driving me mental!”
Maria stood in front of the door and denied Bella exit.
“That’s not true Bella,” she said calmly. “I’m not perfect. I have loads of
problems, some of them we share. Like…”
“Mum and dad?”
“Exactly.”
“But I see you talking to mum all the time, you’re not fighting with them,
as well as watching them fight with each other.”
“I fight with dad all the time. Don’t you see Bella? The only way we’re going
to get through this is by sticking by each other.”
“But I have no friends. Everyone hates me. I’m so mean to everyone
except Shay, and I’m lying to her about mum and dad! I’ll end up pushing
her away if I stay here, and then I’ll have no one.”
Maria put her hands on Bella’s shoulders. “You’ll have me Belle, and we’re
going to be fine.”
Bella shook her head and tried to open the door, which Maria quickly closed.
“No Bella. Do you trust Shay?”
“Of course I do. She’s my oldest friend.”
“Then you have to trust me. Do you trust me?”
Bella pondered the question. She’d barely said a word to Maria in months,
and now she was asking whether she trusted her.
“I… I guess I do.”
“Do you trust yourself?”
Bella waited for a minute or two, and then shook her head, tears making
their way down her soft cheeks and landing on the carpeted floor.
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just
Trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin to
Trust the voice within
“Life will only get better if you face it head on,” Maria soothed her broken
sister. “Shay will tell the same thing. You trust her, you trust me. You have
to trust yourself.”
“I- I don’t want to be here anymore.” Bella cried.
“Are you sure you want to run away? Look into your soul. Will it really solve
anything?”
“N- No. But I can’t stay here, with mum and dad. They hate me.”
Maria laughed at that. She apologized quickly when Bella gave her a dark
look.
“Bella, mum and dad don’t hate you. Mum is really worried about you, but
she’s going through a hard time, and doesn’t know how to talk to you.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really. I suggest talking to her.”
Ohh, yeah, ohh, hey, ohh
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know
(Be strong)
Break it
(Hold on)
You'll make it
(Be strong)
Just don't forsake it because
(No one can tell you what you can't do)
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you
“She apologized for the fighting and said she really loves me!” Bella
hugged Maria after coming out of her mums bedroom after a long talk.
“That’s great Belle, so how are you feeling?”
“Much better. But, I still feel upset a bit. I mean, mum and dad are still
going to fight.”
“Life won’t always be perfect,” Maria ruffled Bella’s hair. “But as long as
you’re surviving, you’ll be fine. And it’s all about experience. You’ll be able
to have a great life when you’re older, and not make the same mistakes as
mum and dad.”
“Is it weird to want to cure cancer?” Bella asked Maria, thinking hard.
Maria laughed. “Lil’ sis, you can do anything you want.”
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
And like your oldest friend just
Trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
You'll learn to begin to
Trust the voice within, oh yeah
Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here
When your world starts to fall
That night the girl’s parents fought again. Maria and Bella sat in Maria’s
room together, on the bed.
“Are you alright Belle?” Maria asked the young girl, who was beginning to
cry.
“Yeah,” Bella smiled. “I’ll be fine.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
Okai, contest rewarded review number one;
I liked this, but I have to say, it wasn't my usual style of thing to read. I found it to be a little cliche, and maybe a little "cheesy" with the whole, Christina Agulleria lyrics; it was a nice idea, but I think it just wasn't my cup of tea.
The structure of it was clever, but I kinda felt the whole, one minute there's the sisters, the next it's the verse of the song, was rather off-putting; although this may again, just be personal preference. I think also, you could maybe focus in on the parents more than you did; you gave us just a vague idea into what was causing the main problem in the story. And I think you should elaborate on the two making up and being happier.
Hope this help, and I hope I wasn't too harsh - it was all personal preference, really.
GingerLove
Awww, that was really sweet and your story seemed to reflect the lyrics perfectly. The sisters' personalities are well defined but perhaps you should describe them a little. Not too much mind. Just something like 'Bella's long, blonde hair masked half of her face as tears fell from pale blue eyes.' I really liked it though and I just have a few specific suggestions -
They [A typo here. I think you mean the.] young girl felt so out of everything.
She had pushed away her friends and the family money was running it. [I think you mean running out here.]
I’m going to stay with Shay for a while, then I’ll get a flat when I turn 16.
Bella hugged Maria after coming out of her mum's bedroom after a long talk.
__________________
Altogether, it's a brilliant fanfic so well done!
Lovely. Tell you what, since you have to go soon, I'll just tell you what I like about this and some general stuff and edit it later to include corrections.
I like the overall idea, and it worked really well with the song lyrics. You're getting better and better at letting the voice and characterization come out without having to info dump and sound superficial. So for that alone, I'd applaud you.
Applause also for the relationship between the two girls. It was well done, and nicely developed. It's also great how you have the character of Shay, but you don't give more about her than is necessary and you don't drag her randomly into the story when it's about the sisters.
That's all I have for you without going into detail and doing my quote-arrow correction thing, so, there you go
I'll come back to this later, I promise. For now, bei'theh
~sworddance