Young Writers Society

Hey chocoholic! This is the other piece you asked me to look at about eight thousand years ago, so my apologies for taking so long to get to it.

Now, about the whole falling a second time thing, when the stakes are so high... I'm just not sure. It seems too predictable. I think there should be a better reason for her to fall this time, otherwise it's like some kind of uber-bizarre freak accident, and for it to happen twice is a little unrealistic.

Generally, I think this makes a good short, but some of your phrasing and grammatical errors ruin the mood. I'll go with the opening paragraph to show you what I mean, and let you take it from there :

I lined up with the other contestants. We were all determined to win, but there would only be one winner. Me. When the gun went off, I raced ahead. My arms and legs pumping, my breathing consistent and rhythmic. My eyes were purely focused on the finish line. There was no one in sight. The wild cheer of the crowd died down until I could only hear my thoughts.

‘Breath,’ I said to myself as I ran, ‘Push.’

Contest reward review number two;

This was very clever, and so ironic! I'd absolutely hate if that happened to me, although I can say that I have never been in the lead at a school race; running just ins't my thang.

I think you jumped into the flashback a little too hard; like diving into a pool of ice cold water, it was a shock in the change of story and pace. Maybe you could ease the reader in a little, this would also add on a bit more length to the story too.

The couple of times that you say; "The gun went off", kind sounded awkward in the text. Maybe, "The gun exploded"? Or that, does actually sound dangerous. "The gun voiced the start of the race" maybe?

Other than that, it was pretty good, I liked the determination that the girl had.
GingerLove

This was pretty good in spite of its length 9and probably because of it). A story like this may get a bit tired if you add in pages and pages of description!

‘Breath,’

Did you mean to say Breathe there? Either way.

Keep on Running,’

Was there a reason for capitalising running there? If you have your reason, then fair enough. It's just a bit distracting.

I agree with Cassandra, somethign you could add is a little more emotion towards the end. You did ocnvey a lot with actions, but a few words or just a stray thoguht wouldn't hurt the story. If you can fit it in, try it.

Anyway, that's all I have. Good job on this. It was actually done quite well, considering the situation. The hsort sentances helped emphasise the urgency.

-Mat

This story was good but you should build up the tension more and add a little more description. Maybe describe the scenery that your character's running past. A nice piece of work though and just a few more suggestions...

I used all the energy I had in my body left to propel myself forward. I think this would sound better as I used all the energy I had left in my body to propel myself forward.

I glanced to the side. There was someone next to me.

Altogether some real potential here =)

The shortness worked for this story. I like how you incorporated the past, though I don't really like how the same thing happened twice, kinda repeditive and I saw it coming.

Other than that, not much here to crit. Keep up the good work!
-JC

First of all, nice work! You did a nice job working with such a small amount of words, and I liked that there weren't really any huge info dumps. It was short, sweet, and to the point.

'Breath,’ I said to myself as I ran, ‘Push.'

I was still coming first