My first horror poem wasn't so good, so I wrote another, this time sticking to a rhyme scheme. If you have any title suggestions, please tell me, because I my title sucks. And, I want to know if this poem is scary, because that's what I was going for, since I wrote it for a horror contest. Tell me what you think!
Drip, drip, drip.
The room is rank with your fear,
But you have yet to shed a tear.
I know your nerves writhe in pain,
And still you stay resolutely sane.
Drip, drip, drip.
I slice you with another gash,
Knowing you can't hit or lash.
Repulsion twists you all the while,
From both the agony and my smile.
Drip, drip, drip.
Staining crimson drains your life,
And that same blood falls from my knife.
When you finally emit a scream,
The dripping blood becomes a stream.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I just love these two lines.
The poem as a whole is very powerful. The repetition of 'drip' is indeed effective and the gentle, yet disturbing flow of the poem complements the 'plot'.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Well done.
Nathan.
Okay....*deep breath* I didn't think it was scary so much as dark, disturbing, and slightly sadistic. It gave me a mental image I did not particularly want.
Did I enjoy the blood? No.
Do I think you'll win that contest? Yes.
Repulsion twists you all the while,
From both the agony and my smile.
I know that this is supposed to rhyme, but i think the whole 'repulsion twists you' is off. You say theperson stays resolutely sane, so I don't think they would be twisting in agony. but i like it.
Staining crimson drains your life,
Don't you mean stained crimson? I just think it sounds better
Wow. the last two lines are very powerful. i like it.
Overall, nice poem and I hope you win, you and the poem have excellent potential!
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This was rather creepy, but I liked! As for a title...no clue...I'm not that good with titles...Again, I really liked this
Sorry if this review is rather soft and lame...I'm new. Keep up the awesome work, chipsandguacamollie (that's a mouth full)!
-Aulaydra
Edited to add a rating. Please try to remember to rate your poetry in the future. Thanks
Cheers,
~bubbles
Creepy. Creepy but really good. I have never read any poem with so vivid blood.
I especially like the last two lines:
When you finally emit a scream
The dripping blood becomes a stream
It sounds so horrible! But that is good for this poem.
wow. now i feel normal. im not the only one who writes really good scary poems. yay! *jumps around and doesnt feel crazy anymore*
i like teh end rhymes in every two lines. did you write them as couplets originally? there's a lot of good flow to it, and i like the whole imagery affect it has (at least to me it does).
I like how the the person is feeling. I mean, they're smiling while theyre killing someone! and theyre enjoying it! its not everyday that you read a poem like that. you used really good words to help with your descriptions (rank, repulsion...etc.)
i liked it
i liked it
I liked this one! I haven't seen your other poem, but this one is good. I didn't find any major mistakes, but you could try to capitalize the beginning of each line. Also, someting is a bit strange about your word choice. I can't exactly from describe it, but it is kind of simplistic. Sorry, but the rhymes seem a bit overused.
And this part: The rhyme is off.
That's all I could spot. Wonderful work on this one, chipsandguacamollie.