(For Rosey Unicorn's contest, I wrote a quick poem about fire.)
I coax to life
a flicker of strife.
In the endless depths
a battle is set.
Brave soldiers await
the resolve of their fate.
The swords drawn ready
glow red and deadly.
A cry is heard
of two small words.
"To victory!" they all say
as they leap into the fray.
Weapons clash
and heroes crash.
Crimson stains
the sun-browned plains.
The melee will soon cease
when every warrior is deceased.
Until that time I enjoy the heat
as anger and strong loathing meet.
I see the hate
distort each face.
But I cannot aid
those in pain.
For their bloodlust is the pyre
for my tiny little fire.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hello. Actually, I'm new at this so I'm not exactly the best reviewer but from what I read it was very, very good. I really enjoyed it.
Hiya chipsandguacamollie!
Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^
I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.
Element: This took me a long time to identify as fire. In fact, I hadn't quite realized this was fire until I read the description. I understand that fire is a very war-like element, but I would have liked to see that metaphor tied more into the element itself.
Originality: Fire is a common element, I'll admit to that. Had you made the metaphor a bit more complete, it would have been nice and original. Even as it is, this poem is original. Just, not very fire-oriented.
Structure: You have a very nice flow and rhyme scheme here. Nothing really to comment on that. ^_^
You have a very interesting way of viewing war, and imagery. I'd use that, only expand the metaphors a bit more.
~Rosey
Wow. I just felt my self esteem explode. Hehe. I'm not very good to be around when I'm over confident. You have created a monster. But thank you!!
Wow...that's like...wow...I'm speechless! How do you do it?! Amazing! X)
A few things though:
Rhyming/Rhythm: It was a bit off in places, which kinda threw me off, such as in lines 11 & 12:
As apposed to lines 3 & 4:
It kinda makes it confusing! ^^,
Grammar/Spelling: Overall, I couldn't find any spelling mistakes (they tend to jump out at me, ya' know?). As for the grammar mistakes... nope, can't find any of those either! What a great day, yay! You'll go far my friend. *pats you on the back* *pats a little too hard and makes you cough* *doesn't seem to notice at all* (Hey, maybe I should write scripts! *grins smugly* Hehe!)
Imagery: Very dramatic! Fantastic! Terrific! Fabulocious! Ima-mega-listic! Wow! ^^ (Am I praising you too much? Don't take me too seriously. I am easily amazed and ridiculously gullible [especially about panda bears] which makes me unreliable and untrustworthy in such matters as reviews.) =)
Overall: Like I said...wow...just wow. O.O (the big "O"! Hehe, that was pretty random!)
Add-ons: If I've said it once, I've said it twice and will continue to say it a thousand times more - *takes deep breath - "THAT WAS JUST TOO AWESOME!!!!!" =)
And so that settles it. Toodle-oo!
- Claeren