(Just something I wrote quickly in health class. Once again, I'm not sure on the punctuation.)
A monk meditates in the morning light
His smooth arms crossed, refusing to fight.
He stays put, proud and strong
But his attackers won't wait long.
They come to him and await his move
Then laugh when he remains calm and cool.
The assault begins with axe and saw
Chopping and hacking; they bite and gnaw.
The monk can't take it, he hits the ground.
A mass of limbs in a tangled mound.
He wanted harmony, he wanted peace
Instead he was killed, every branch and leaf.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Actually, just ignore my review, I thought it signified something it didn't. A tree. I like it as a tree, it's the correct length &c. The meaning is nice and it works well.
Well done
~I often get things wrong, lol.
(:
Oh; this was different - that's good!
One thing I don't underatand though, is the fact that you have represented a tree by using a monk. Now, maybe I'm being COMPLETELY dense and so you should probably ignore me, but what does that connection mean to you and your poem?
You had a pretty consistent rhythm throught and that's always good - it annoys me when it's choppy. In particular I liked the first two lines in stanza three - they worked really well together and I think you did some good work. Stanza two line two didn't work so well though; it's a bit garbled and it ruins the flow a little.
I see what you mean about punctuation but sadly I'm not so good at it myself - sorry for not being as much of a help as you need. Good work!
Hmm... no reviews? I shall review
As far as first lines go yours was okay. Not great, but better than some. I like the way it introduces us to the story, but first lines are meant to punch us, drag us in and refuse to let us go. Not simply introduce us. Otherwise why should we read on? That said, it's okay, so I'd just stick with it.Nit-picks/ comments on your piece first, the overall comments:
Farily simplistic, but it is description, it does paint images in our mind. I like the rhyme, not too forced sounding.
Nix these, change it to his or the.
Why is there no rhyme in this line but there's rhyme in every other couplet?
Rather gruesome. xD
Okay, I'm not too sure about this poem. Mainly, I don't like the subject matter as it kind of freaks me out, lol. Anyway, let's start:
Rhyme
I liked your rhyme. It wasn't too forced and it helped the poem flow.
theme
What does this poem represent? Well, that's hard as you haven't really explained to us why the monk was killed. It seems to represent the death of innocence, as monks are meant to be sin-less and pure &c &c yet the monk is still killed. It might just be me, but I think this poem needs to be longer if it's trying to signify anything other than what I thought, we don't really know why the monk is killed, who the killers are, or anything...
That's my main problem with this poem, I don't know what's going on. Other than a monk has been killed. I think to improve this poem you should expand on some of the information and perhaps add a bit more abstract imagery.
Perhaps you should try a villanelle, which is a very hard poem, as the structure is extremely complicated, but I think you'd be good at it.
It has two refrains and an insane rhyming system
Anyway, this review isn't great, sorry.
~Kirsten