(Once again, I am not sure how to punctuate it, so I would really appreciate some feedback on that, especially for the first stanza. Thank you for reading!)
(edited)
Hatred rains in drops that scorch,
murder crawls in rivers that torch.
Vengeance falls in flakes that choke,
pain pummels in rocks that smoke.
Cruelty gathers in clouds that sting,
and darkness covers everything.
A king of terror dissolves in heat.
Creaking, cracking; he is beat.
His kingdom too, is trampled down.
A waste of dust; no more a town.
Nothing is left of his domain.
One fit of anger; smothered pain.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hey! Really good poem.
Short and sweet: I like!
I liked the flow and the rythm was very good, coupled with the rhyme it made for a sweet read.
The imagery and description was great, as a result I could picture everything in my head really clearly.
I aso like the way you paired emotion with the physical nature of the volcano and the effect that it has on people, so that the reader can truly appreciate the power of nature and the way it affects people's lives.
To be honest, I couldn't pick up any errors, and the punctuation issue seems to have been covered above.
So well done, keep it up.
Hey! This is great, but you're right, it does need some help punctuating. The first thing I'm going to do is give you two articles: one two and hopefully those will help you out!
Now, your first stanza. It does need some work. I like the rhyme scheme; not many can pull off an aabbccddee...rhyme scheme, but you did, so kudos for that. However, all but one of your lines include the word that.
That (haha) is not so good. It's fairly unnecessary in poetry, I think, and it's annoying, and it doesn't sound good. And poetry is (at least partly) about sounding good. I suggest trying to say the same thing but omitting that word, and it will flow smoother. It will also get rid of some of the repetition, which in this case would be good.
In terms of punctuation, there's...none! Okay. As a general rule, what I do in poetry is punctuate it as if it were a normal sentence. Eg, I'm borrowing a line from T S Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock:
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
That's formatted the way it would be in a story, right? Only in the poem, the line break occurs between ices, and have.
So, I hope that helps your punctuation dilemma! Now, in terms of your first stanza's punctuation, it's more of a list, and less is needed - if I were writing it, I might use one or two commas, and a period at the end. Maybe. But in poetry it's more about how you want the thing to sound than it is about the grammar rules (although don't completely disregard the grammar rules!).
Man. That was really long. Second stanza!
...which I really love. The only suggestion for the second stanza that I have is to use less periods. You really don't need that many.
PM me if you have questions or need anything!
-Mars
Beautiful... I corrected punctuation and added ANDs.
The flow was great... I have a suggestion: write two more stanzas but the second one here can be the last. You made this quite simple and I envy you for that...