What have I done to deserve this

chetanbhasin wrote:Hello everybody, thanks for the review. I'm really greatful to you all. Now, like you people said this one needs some correction work. Well! I'm onto it, right away.
And yes, I'm an Indian, from Delhi.

And one more thing, yes, its a song.

-Chetan

Hello everybody, thanks for the review. I'm really greatful to you all. Now, like you people said this one needs some correction work. Well! I'm onto it, right away.
And yes, I'm an Indian, from Delhi.

And one more thing, yes, its a song.

-Chetan

Hello there.
Here for the review. Pardon me if I might be repeating some of the reviewers over here but I had to review this work of yours because I liked it and you seem to be Indian by your name. I'm from India too. (:

I always smiled, when they didn't want to see- #4000FF ">Why did you hyphenate this line? It is not needed.
My tears, and I laughed although I'm so lonley. #4000FF ">My tears, and I laughed although I'm so lonely. And, if you remove the hyphen from the previous line then you might want to remove the comma after tears as well.
I made myself survive, no matter how hard it could be,
And I always tried, though you were so apart from me.

But in some deepest lights, in my bed - its just me, #4000FF ">Deepest light does not sound good. And, it would be "it's".
I cried, though tried not to, but I wonder how could see? #4000FF ">I cried, though tried not to, but I wonder if you could see? I guess this would fit over here. What do you think?

'Cause I never let you know-
How far I have gone
And although I still sirvive #4000FF ">And although I still survive
There are ocens that I've cried. #4000FF ">drowning in oceans that I've cried.

And what have I done to deserve this,
And why shall I care about you anymore?
And averytime, I try to look at you #4000FF ">And every time, I try to look at you
I see the pain that you put me through.

#4000FF ">The Ands in the three line over here are not at all necessary.

'Cause I don't know the reason
Finding escape, I want freedom. #4000FF ">This stanza totally confused me.

But its hard to belive, that it is just me #4000FF ">But it’s hard to believe, that it’s just me
I changed a lot 'cause of you...
And although I'm so far apart, you see #4000FF ">The rhyme over here was forced. You see? Its not needed here.
It's only me who knows you...

Butt what have I done to deserve this,
And why shall I care about you anymore?
And everytime, I try to look at you
I see the pain that you put me through.

In the darkest times I still fight
I feel your touch - so slight. #4000FF ">Forced rhyme. Not good.
And it also sways away #4000FF ">Use another word other than sway.
And then, I began to pray- #4000FF ">I begin to pray
Wondering god will help me out,
Help me out to find my way.

When you're scared just turn around
And I'm sure, its me you'll always find. #4000FF ">And I'm sure; it’s me you'll always find.
But I don't want to stay back at you #4000FF ">Reword this.
All I want is to be with you...

But what have I done to deserve this,
And why shall I care about it anymore?
And everytime, I try to look at you
I see the pain that you put me through.

Oh wow, wonderful. I really liked this. Isn't it terribly sad how some of us put so much into relationships, and we fight so hard, but, in the end, we are just not happy at all? But, life goes on, doesn't it?
Okay, as far as the grammar, the people before me pretty much summed everything up.

And, there are a lot of typos, but, those are easy to fix. Now, I'll mention my two favorite parts:

chetanbhasin wrote:But its hard to belive, that it is just me
I changed a lot 'cause of you...
And although I'm so far apart, you see
It's only me who knows you...

chetanbhasin wrote:And although I still sirvive
There are ocens that I've cried.

This is really great! I found it really enjoyable. Here's what I noticed:

I always smiled, when they didn't want to see- #8000BF "> The comma isn't needed here.
My tears, and I laughed although I'm so lonley. #8000BF "> Lonely
I made myself survive, no matter how hard it could be,
And I always tried, though you were so apart from me. #8000BF ">This line is really cool

But in some deepest lights, in my bed - its just me, #8000BF ">Dash isn't needed.
I cried, though tried not to, but I wonder how could see? #8000BF "> I think you need an 'I' between how and could

'Cause I never let you know- #8000BF ">why is there a dash here?
How far I have gone
And although I still sirvive #8000BF ">Survive
There are ocens that I've cried. #8000BF ">Oceans

And what have I done to deserve this,
And why shall I care about you anymore?
And averytime, I try to look at you #8000BF ">Everytime
I see the pain that you put me through.

'Cause I don't know the reason
Finding escape, I want freedom. #8000BF ">This line should probably be reworded somehow...

But its hard to belive, that it is just me #8000BF ">Believe, and no comma.
I changed a lot 'cause of you...
And although I'm so far apart, you see
It's only me who knows you...

Butt what have I done to deserve this, #8000BF ">Don't say butt. Say but.
And why shall I care about you anymore?
And everytime, I try to look at you
I see the pain that you put me through.

In the darkest times I still fight
I feel your touch - so slight. #8000BF ">No dash here.
And it also sways away
And then, I began to pray- #8000BF "> say begin, not began.
Wondering god will help me out, #8000BF ">Capatalize God.
Help me out to find my way.

When you're scared just turn around
And I'm sure, its me you'll always find.
But I don't want to stay back at you
All I want is to be with you...

But what have I done to deserve this,
And why shall I care about it anymore?
And everytime, I try to look at you
I see the pain that you put me through...

What a great lyric poem! I enjoyed reading this - and that says something, as I do not often enjoy reading poetry! Keep up the great work!