The buildings, the boxes, the people, and roads
Disappear as you see your feet - they corrode.
The things piled up, and ployed with storms
Fall into the mist on the field of thrones.
You’ve heard of false suicide attempts, and lies
From the people you know, like you, won’t die.
You can, but you won’t word statements to decieve
Yet you can’t ignore what you have received.
You kill the time, and think for hours
How what you own is yet not yours.
Or what you saw has never been true
And waste is what you have been through.
You’ve had your bad, but now its worse,
Hanging midway of prime and futile is a curse.
You couldn’t get hurt, but wish you’d do
To make up an excuse, and just pass through
The turmoil of fate, and road you’ve taken,
Because now you wonder if you’ve mistaken.
You are now sad, but not cold hearted
For you’ve only suffered from the day you started
Pursuing what you love, and what you need.
There's no checkpoint or your goal you see,
But still with a frown, and hope you proceed
To be more strong, and to take the lead.
You know in wrongs there's always a right
For always in dark you’ve made your light.
You follow your heart, and what it speaks
Is what has made you reach your dreams.
People may do, but the hearts don’t lie
Its how you aim for the mountain, and reach for the sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey Chetan! I love your display picture.
First impressions:
I found this really, really hard to relate to, and I think that is one of the most important things with poetry. You need to give your reader something they can hone in on otherwise things can seem dull or uninteresting.
Technique:
I like the way this is told in Second Person, I really do, but like I said above it feels like the 'you' is not really referring to me, it's like you're talking to someone else and I'm just watching.
The rhymes are a little iffy as well. Some fit nicely together, some barely fit, and in that last stanza you've tried to fit 'Speaks' and 'Dreams' as a couplet, and that fails no matter what dialect I hear it in.
Positives:
I like the effect you're going for, but it doesn't seem like you're quite there yet. The last stanza is my favourite because it's uplifting, and compared to the washboard of depression and misery it's nice to stumble across a gem like this. No, not quiet there, but keep that essense of hope and brightness in your work and I think you'll go far.
Keep it up
-Ten