Is this the empty paper I was looking for?
Long awaited day that I was dreaming of.
Is this where I wanted to be once?
Fighting every bullet of each and every gun,
No, this isn’t what I was dreaming of.
This isn’t what I was thinking of.
Will it be the end of day?
Will there be some other way?
Should I be throwing the dice once again?
Should I be staying anymore in this game?
This isn’t what I thought like it would be.
This should be the day when I feel I’m free.
Convincing, myself to keep moving-
Feeling unlike I supposed to be feeling,
I wonder if this isn’t the road made for me?
What if I’m missing what I shouldn’t be?
Is this the life I wanted once ago?
Is this the place I wanted to go?
I’m off track, I’m falling off the cliff;
Waiting for some miracle to slip
I never thought that it would be so difficult.
I never thought that I would be myself.
If I've to choose between this game,
I choose to throw the dice once again...
I've edited the above version, here is the older one, pleas compare and tell me if I did correct to make it more meaningful...
Older version:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi there! I just saw your post on my review page and I thought I may as well head over here right away and heed to your request! However, I must warn you right away as well that I am not the best at reviewing poetry, but I will try my best and pray that this will in some way help you improve!
So now let's get on with it, shall we?
First of all I would just like to say wonderful writing style! I love the way you used open-ended questions to try and make the reader think.
However, some of the power seems to get a bit lost because there are a few awkward lines mixed in. For example, take a look at the fourth line in this stanza:
Now, I understand what you're trying to say, but it's a very awkward line. Try rewording it to help the flow of the entire stanza.
In this next stanza, you can also see that there are a lot of awkward lines as well.
In the first line, you put a comma between convincing and myself, which you don't really need. To prevent this from happening, try reading sentences aloud to see if you automatically pause between two words. If you do, put a comma; if you don't, don't!
The 'I' in the second line could also be changed to 'I'm' to help the grammar.
And lastly, in the second two lines it seems like you're almost trying a bit too hard to make them rhyme. "once ago" doesn't make near as much sense as it would to say "once before". And if you really wanted to make it rhyme, try going on a site like rhymezone.com and reword it so it all makes more sense and flows better.
And the last nit-pick!
I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here. Are you trying to say If I am or If I have?? It would make sense either way but I don't really think that I've would be the best contraction to use here. I would suggest replacing this with I'm, which would be just as good.
That's all that I can think of at the moment. I really enjoyed your work, and I think that it has a ton of potential to be amazing! Keep up the great work, and I can't wait to read more of your writing!
Please remember that all this was just some suggestions that I have that you can use to help make your poem better. You may choose to use them, or you may not, it's completely up to you. But I sincerely hope that this review helps you improve your work!
Feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have about anything I wrote in this review! Again, great work, and I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future!
~ Trish
Thanks for the review, I've edited some lines to make this poem read more meaningful, pleas tell me if you think I've improved it.
Thank you once again
Kudos to you Chetan!! Your fragmented stream of thoughts gave rise to a lot of questions in my mind, and that's the sign of an innovative mind, one that is able to induce paradoxical thoughts in the readers' head..
Acknowledging the opinions of all above reviewers, I still would say that the poem shouldn't be tampered with, barring the following:
"Convincing, myself to be moving
Feeling unlike I am supposed to be feeling."
And Mr. LastPaladin, as a reader, in no way did I find Chetan's reply offensive! This is a democratic space wherein we all have a right to voice our opinions, be it the readers or the writers! The writer has all the right to stick by his work & shouldn't be forced to rake in any changes just because he is asked to.. The discretion lies solely with him..Let us all take it in good spirits! Have a wonderful day!
I found the poem to be insipid. There was not much emotion in the poem to enthral me. I couldn’t get into it; however, I did enjoy the first line of the first stanza. Not bad, but not great.
I am sorry friend if you think I was being rude and arrogant, but it is not like that. I am sorry if my language depicts rudeness, I didn't want to insult reviewers. I just wanted to tell that I don't feel that I should make changes about it. And rather than being arrogant I would like to thanks people to have a look over here. I am sorry, I didn't mean to insult anybody.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and firstly don't spit in the face of reviewers, secondly they waste valuable time to review this, so treat them with courtesy. Now on with review.
You ask a lot of question and give no answers, that isn't deep, it's contrived, forced, it come across as smart or intelligent but instead just rather lackadaisical. In fact I'd dare to call this only a series of question as you never really have any imagery connecting them. It's got foundation but no cement no bricks, it's just that empty and devoid. Poems with questions can be insightful. Like one of my favourites 'If... - Rubyard Kipling' asks lots of questions but it links it with beautiful langauge techniques and gives us more thoughts than basic question.
You can't just annouce these question, leave them hanging and call it poetry. It doesn't make it so, so because of this you don't come across as anything other than ignorant in the belief that the reviewers above you who worked on this are doing this for themselves, while you arrogantly believe that they should be and will be ignored.
It's not often I rat on a person in a review, but what you did was too far.
Now I hope you take this seriously and take what everyone said into thought.
@Everyone
I understand what you people are saying about the first stanza and that I should expand the poem and answer the question and I also know about this but I am not going to rewrite the poem changing all those things, because I want it to be like this.
The purpose of this poem was to keep it unanswered and incomplete which led the reader to think with a confused mind.
I know what you want to say but that is how this poem makes me happy, so I think it would be better to keep it the way it is.
And about changing the word "another" with "other", that is something I will surly change in the poem but not the first stanza.
-Chetan
Hello!
Now, what I immediately noticed in the first stanza was that you have rather a lot of questions! So, once you've asked those questions in the poem, why don't you go about answering them? Otherwise the reader is left wondering, the same as you. Answering the questions would lead you to a good conclusion, one that would feel properly finished.
So, yes, I would recommend that you expand on what you're asking. If you don't want to answer, then expand the questions. You can then begin to bring in poetic devices and suchlike which will create a much better feel within your poem, rather than it being a little bland and full of unanswered questions.
However, the ending I really like. Well, the last two lines. I feel like maybe you should consider those, and write the rest of your poem around them, rather than them seeming a little bit separate from all of those questions.
Hope this helps!
-Amy
Good job on this. It is very interesting and engaging. That said, I feel that towrds the end of the poem it begins to get a little monotonous. Try to vary line lengths or use punctuation to break up the reading of the poem. I would agree with retrodisco666 that the first stanza doesn't sound like one, but it also doesn't sound like the rest of the poem. It seems to be addressing different topics.
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I liked the title of the poem, it's "daring".
There was one part in the poem which I think is an error
I think you meant "other" instead of "another".
Good poem though, I liked it.
Good quite good.
My only point would be, is that the first stanza doesn't feel like a first stanza. It doesn't really seem to have a hook, maybe it's just me.