love , trust all broken

Hey! I'm here for a quick review! Ok, I could see that your poem definitely needs some work. It's obvious that you're trying to get it to rhyme, but let me make it clear- rhyming does not matter. Poems are milled up emotions scampering on paper- or screen, heh. In some places, like the first stanza, I feel that smiling and living don't really go well together. Your poem seems sort of... awkward. This stanza:
" everything gave me happiness
and i enjoyed each day
but happiness overcomes by sadness
and that's what happens i say "
First off, you need to capitalize your first letters, as well as 'I.' Second, this doesn't really make much sense. First you mention how everything gives you happiness, and then your happiness overcomes your sadness? When did you even mention sadness? If you're trying to say that sadness follows happiness soon after, then you need to restructure your sentence. It should be "happiness is followed by.." and/or "overcome by sadness." You use "I" entirely too much, and your poem has this forced rhythm to it. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible critic, considering my first verse consisted of rhyming "I" and "pie" over and over again, but if you work on this poem and actually give it a stable foundation instead of vague sentences, your writing could be much better!
Whoa, I've typed too much. I'll let you be your own critic now. I hope this helped,
Digital cookies! ^_^
~Pompadour

Hello hero here,

What is with the rhyming? It is a mess in this poem, I can't seem to get into any rhythm. Ryhming is totally unnecessary but if its what you like- go for it. Just seems like this is really bad.

The first two stanzas just repeat the same thing and doesn't add much detail or imagery, the whole poem seems redundant and you don't tell us much of anything.

my happiness crown
my life was now like a worthless lead

What is the purpose of associating a crown to happiness or the lead? Its meaningless; has nothing to do with a theme but random objects to your words.. You do this with a card, happiness seat.. tea cup... whats the point?

Your whole poem lacks meaning and impact to the reader. You just give vague generalizations to a bunch of relationships and never give anything that's real or concrete or good imagery..

Sorry if its harsh but there's just not much there..

-hero

Heyyy charmy! This is RoseCrown reviewing your poem!
Its your first poem so its pretty good!
There are a few mistakes which are actually really silly!
Their actually grammar but if you work on it it will be fine!
Your last stanza is the most important stanza of the whole poem so you should be careful how you end it. In your case you were going good until the last verse, it didn't rhyme and you didn't use it in the correct way.
Your perspective is an amazing one and I admire you for taking the courage to write what your heart told you!
You can make many more poems and with a little bit of corrections here and there your perfect sweetie!

Hope you write way more poems and inspire me!
Love, RoseCrown

The message behind this poem is sad and very true in many relationships, but perhaps in terms of rhythm and grammar a few things could be tweaked. I see you have decided not to capitalize the 'i's and the words at the start of each line; this is a perfectly acceptable approach often adopted to modern poetry and adds an informal, personal feel. However, there are just the odd little mistakes here and there such as missing out the 'e' in 'everywhere' in the first stanza. In the first stanza perhaps 'everything was just like a dream' might have been better in terms of grammar rather than 'everything was just like dreams'. The rhyming and rhythm was also somewhat clunky and uneven in some lines; 'and all i wanted to do was kill myself with a knife' is quite a long line and doesn't really fit the rhythm. 'Knife' and 'life' are also very clichéd rhyming words in love poetry and lyrics. The final lines; 'i felt like it was taken, my happiness seat/ it felt like it wasn't my tea cup...' do not rhyme at all with the previous lines, though this adds to the informal, personal feel.

All in all a good poem on a sad and touching theme, but a few improvements here and there would really make sure it stands out.