Young Writers Society

I really liked this poem! It all mostly flowed well together smoothly and you have chosen good word choice. You also did a good job with your ideas and where they eventually came together. You do have some mistakes but I'm sure you could find them and others pointed them out for you. Anyway good job!! This was an excellent poem!! Keep writing!!

Great Poem of love~ I can't relate to it since I haven't met my true love in person. But I still felt sympathy. The words you used were great~ I saw very few parts that lost my attention. But that was probably because I have a short attention span. ^^' Sorry. But other than that it was a WONDERFUL poem~ Wish I could do things like this...But I guess I'll just have to keep practicing to become this good.

The opinion of an unqualified critic:
Good work. I could only dimly relate to this poem, but you got my sympathy. Your rhyming scheme is pretty good, solid and even. (Cyb3rBlade has trouble with rhyming schemes.) There are a few places that could use better word choices.

"You betrayed me
But I fought for you
I thought we were meant to be
And that our love was true

I remember us holding hands
I was mesmerized in our own world
As we walked on the beach sands
And I though you wouldn't leave your girl

Days passed by, and I fell more for you
But you least cared
And leaving me was all you could do
What about all the pains that I bared?

I remember, the way you used to look at me
And that gave me happiness every time
Every night in my dreams you were the only one I could see
The love you had was constant and sublime

Today were are you?
When I need you the most
Please come back, will you do?
Cause am just lost

I say am strong
But the moment I see you I break down
I thought our love would go long
But I guess my luck has bown

I love you
And always will
till my last breath comes
You will always be my first and last
Cause I love you"

I've gone over this and capitalized i's, re-spaced punctuation, and suggested rhyme fixes. (Cyb3rBlade strongly dislikes rhyming words with themselves.) Your last stanza follows no pattern I can perceive, so I moved the last line down as you see. If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by 'bown'? 'bared' would be 'bore' in prose, but it's reasonable to take such liberties in verse. (Bared: past-tense of bare, uncover. Bore: past-tense of bear, carry)

I really liked the first stanza. I think it says more than the rest of the poem put together, but I may well hold that opinion because it is the one that I can best relate to. You might end up with something more interesting if you added a stanza at the top about the speaker's feelings for the person addressed before you revealed the rift between the two—one of the stanzas from below might not be missed.
I pass on this advice to you: "Have something to say, and stop when you've said it."
Good poem. Keep writing. Don't let discouragement of criticism stop you. God bless you.
-Cyb3rBlade.

I did enjoy the structure of this poem and the subject matter has been done many times before but I still enjoyed it nevertheless. However I did find some mistakes that need fixing.

you betrayed me

And i though you wouldn't leave your girl

what about all the pains that i bared

Cause am just lost

I say am strong

Every night in my dreams you were the only one i could see