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Young Writers Society


12+

Karma

by carbonCore


Jan 19

My body is weighed down by my right arm now, so it can be difficult to write sometimes. Sort of like when I went to school with my one-strap bag, I would tilt to my not-bag side when not carrying the bag on my shoulder. Now it's the other way around.

The handyman came today. ("Handy"man!) Soon they're going to have to remove my eye too, because of that wind from the crack above my bed. Well, I'm not going to let that be. The handyman patched it up nicely (He asked why and I told him that it's because of the wind. He didn't ask anything else.), but I guess I'll have to wait until tonight to see if the wind is still coming. If simply filling the hole with junk helped, I wouldn't call him.

Jan 20

It'll hold for now.

Jan 24

My mother visited today! She brought me food (which is great). I can't really shop anymore, so I told her thank you for being considerate. She didn't reply, though. I also showed her the patched hole. Mother doesn't like hearing about the wind. She thinks I'm making it up, because the air vent that the wind was leaking from was bricked up when I first complained. Well it never leaked from the vent, I tell her, but she'll hear none of it. Anyway, we had tea and talked about things. I told her that I'll have another arm soon. She started crying and left.

Jan 25

Jan 30

Dr. Murphy came to visit when I said that I grew a new arm. He brought my old arm to show me, because he did not believe me. It was all shriveled. Too bad I couldn't show him the arm I grew, because it's invisible, but it looks way better than the shriveled old one. I said that my new arm hurts sometimes, and he relaxed and said something about a phantom limb. I said that that's convenient, that the ruined car phantom must have given me one of his own limbs to cover for my removed one, because I have good karma. He laughed and said to stay healthy and then went back to the hospital. I didn't tell him that the crack reopened.

Feb 25

I skipped a lot of pages because I was busy learning how to use my karma arm. Now I'm a real master at it. The wind from the crack is the key - if I put my arm along its stream and then bend my pinky so it's cutting the stream in half, strange things happen. The wind rips like cloth, and inside the rip is a little cave. I can climb into it, but so far, I found nothing interesting. It's a cave with a blue river flowing, and there are dogs baying from it (well I call them dogs but they aren't really dogs). They walk on three legs and make loud water noises when swimming close to the surface. I think I will take one as a pet sometime.

Mar 2

If I close my right eye in the cave, everything becomes dark. I noticed because as I was fishing out a dog from the river, it splashed water at me. The water didn't really hit me, because it went through me. It only touched my karma arm and my right eye. I closed it from instinct when the splash went up at me, and I couldn't see anything with my left eye open.

Mar 11

Brisk doesn't want to eat anything. When mother came by yesterday, I showed her Brisk and asked her to bring him some doggy food. She started crying and left. Brisk is getting thin after nine days.

Mar 12

Although she left suddenly yesterday, when I woke up today, I found that she did bring doggy food, after all. I tried to get Brisk to eat it. He still didn't like it. She also left a note on the bag. It said that they will be transferring me to the Victoria Sanatorium. I didn't know what that was, but I didn't want to be transferred. That house probably doesn't have the wind.

Brisk doesn't want to eat anything. When I tried to get him to eat the doggy food, I pet him. My normal arm went right through him of course but my karma arm didn't. He turned from the food then and nibbled on my arm. Then he bit off my index finger. He liked it a lot and he was much thicker and more solid than in the past week. That's okay. It didn't hurt and I only needed my pinky anyway.

Mar 25

More unimportant things happened. Men sometimes came in and took things from the house. When they came in, light also came in. I don't like light anymore. Brisk told me (I think it was him, or it may have been the cat. Probably the cat, because Brisk whispers and bays, he doesn't talk.) that once the last bit of thing is gone from the house, they will run out of things to take and take me to the other house without the wind.

Apr 1

They took me to the sanatorium. It's sad and lonely here. There's white walls and all sorts of horrible elephants and ghosts.

Caught you! April Fools'! I would say those things if I were insane. No, they will come for me in four days, on Monday. But by then, I will be gone. The cat asked me to come back to the cave, because they'll show me how to dive in the river. Also, Brisk will have something to eat. I'm running out of fingers.

Apr 5

If I could draw, I would draw the looks on the men's faces when they saw me disappear into the karma rip. Because I did not hold the rip open with my pinky, it closed right after me, and I was in the cave. Brisk left and jumped into the river, swimming away into a hole into where it drained. The cat was nowhere to be seen, but just after I looked around for him, I found that the water from the river vanished. It's late now, though. I will sleep and go into the tunnels tomorrow.

Apr 6

I spent the better part of the day dodging the cats' stingers and the dogs' pincers. I fed them a little bit of my karma hand, but they liked it too much. The tunnels go nowhere. They are in circles. I don't go hungry, and I never get tired, and I don't know why, and I don't know why I don't go anywhere, and I don't know why I don't know why. When I dipped my pinky into the river, the karma rip opened back to my house, but the river is gone now, and I can't find it. Everything is so blue and

Apr i dont kno

kram arm gone

dogs baying

mother forgiv me


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Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:41 am
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Aley wrote a review...



I like how this is a new approach to the phantom limb experience, and that you've incorporated a bit of scary fantasy into it instead of nice fantasy. This goes well with the idea that magic has two sides to it. I have a few issues with the story itself that I don't think are very applicable to fixing it, but I'll tell you anyway since I want to review this myself.

Karma. I don't know what you know about Karma, but it's just good will you collect. It's not really something like 'self energy' or something you can even really use as it is being used in the story. Using that name sort of irks me, but at the same time, I understand that you've picked calling it a Karma arm for a reason. To me that says something like an arm of good will that this boy would have used to be reborn as a higher being is being destroyed and eaten by these monsters who have infected the world. It's a really scary thought, especially since they devour his everything at the end, as I see it.

Something a little less tangible and more directly related to writing, however, is the pages where he's written the date, but he didn't actually write anything. Namely January 25th. I like that you don't have him writing a substantial amount all the way through and that he's only writing once in a while for himself instead of anyone else. It's just odd that he didn't put a pen to the page at all. Maybe just something like a period from resting the pen on the page, but not actually writing anything. I'm not sure. It's not something that really needs to be fixed, just a thought.

Overall you do a really good job at making this creepy. It really sets me on edge.




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Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:32 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey cC! Here as requested.

When mother came by yesterday,


Such a tiny nitpick, but do uppercap that M for Mother.

I didn't know what that was, but I didn't want to be transferred. That house probably doesn't have the wind.


You switch tenses here. Change the bolded into "don't." It gives the sentence a whole feeling and it just sounds prettier. c:


You kinda chose a useless person to review this. Iunno, you've got a strange mind, cCer. Strange, but creative. This is inspired by something, yes? Yep, definitely strange and creative at the same time, you.

Okay, so I don't think I can properly critique this, because I got lost, I'll admit x) I will do the generic thing and give my overall opinion, which is that you're delightfully insane. I gather that this poor fellow got into a car accident, yes? And lost his arm and eye? That is so depressing.

One thing that confused me was the "handyman' and how he patched up the man's eye? But if it needed to be patched up, wouldn't he need to go to a doctor? Was he even real? I think this guy is overall delusional.

I agree with Alpha about the doctor bringing the amputated arm, like what. Was that an illusion to or what. Either way, it was kinda creepy but funny at the same time because the guy didn't even trip about it lol

Overall, I just think you're a delightfully insane writer who finds random things to write about. This was something I normally wouldn't pursue to read, but I found myself enjoying it as I went along, although confused as well, especially that ending. Explain it to me, ja? <3




carbonCore says...


Nono he patched up the hole in his ceiling. Otherwise, thank you for the review. I take "insane" as a great compliment. c:

All is meant to be taken at face value. Nothing is imagined -- the protag really can open up rips in reality using his pinky finger, and in the end, he gets eaten by interdimensional creatures. However, the beauty of art lies in its interpretation, so I won't say mine is correct or yours isn't. Thank you very much for the review!



Iggy says...


Well, that makes a lot more sense. You and your story with underlying meaning, you. I am now satisfied and will prove it with a like~



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Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:45 pm
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Nate wrote a review...



So I went ahead and checked out submachine after reading this a few days ago, and it's awesome. I used to love point and click adventure games, and it really reminds me of Myst in the way that you have to discover the story as you go through.

I'm only on the second episode of submachine (the lighthouse), but from the two diary entries I've read, the tone and style is very similar to what you've written. So I think you capture the narrator's voice well, and as a piece of fanfiction, I think the story overall works well. That is, it really does read like something the protagonist from submachine would write.

However, the story within the game works well because it adds to a sense of mystery. It's like in Myst where you arrive on the island and you have to uncover clues to find out what's going on. But take the story out of the game, and it no longer works. Myst becomes a hackneyed plot about a father upset with his two sons, and submachine becomes the mere ramblings of an insane person -- ramblings that are far too well written as Cirute pointed out.

So by itself, the story is merely so-so. It's not very compelling, but I do like the way you end it. That's because one way to make a compelling story about an insane person is to write it in such a way as the reader isn't sure what's real and what isn't real. This reintroduces the sense of mystery, and it allows the reader to dissect and rip apart the work in search of clues.

By ending it the way you did, the reader is left wondering about the karma arm. Was it real? And if that's the case, then it seems that he for someone believes one of his arms is missing when it's really not, which calls into question some of the encounters he wrote down earlier.




Messenger says...


What is this game of which you speak?



carbonCore says...


@Messenger: The game is called "Submachine", google it, there are more than 8 of them and they can be played for free. Quite a good series of games.

@Nate: Thank you for the review! I didn't intend to write this as a fan fiction -- the submachine world doesn't have any caves and dogs that aren't dogs and cats with stingers. I was inspired by Murtaugh's description of his arm -- that he lost it, and that he has a new karma arm. I wondered what could be done with such an arm, and wrote a story around it. The style is actually inspired by A Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, which is written from an autistic boy's point of view, and is a fantastic book.



Nate says...


Gotcha! I haven't got far into the game yet, so I figured a lot of stuff was referring to things I haven't come across yet.

I'll have to check that book out. I don't know if you've ever watched Deep Space Nine, but your piece reminded me of one of my favorite episodes. In it, the commander of the station has flashbacks to being a sci-fi writer in the 1950s writing a story about the space station, and he's eventually thrown into a mental asylum in the 1950s. It's a really interesting episode because you never know quite for sure if the mental asylum is real or not.



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Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:31 am
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Alpha says...



Heya cC, so this isn't really a review, because I'm supposed to be packing so I'm not exactly here it's just a comment. I'm creeped out and disturbed and all ew which is probably the desired effect but I'm also really happy because 1) excellent story 2) I can go back to real life now

So, AlexSushiDog's question, about Jan 25 not having an entry to it, I assume that you did it on purpose, si? Did Boy jot down the date then found there was nothing to say? Was he occupied with his 'karma arm' and forgot to write? I guess it's open to interpretation, so yuppers. I don't think it's out-of-place or anything.

Oh yeah and in the beginning when I started reading, what Boy was saying was clear and everything, but it just didn't click with me until later (like, whaaaat was with the patching up of the crack that was already covered and his speculations that his eye might be removed) , so now all is good with the cosmos.

Your friendly phantom
Alpha
yes I stole your sign-out haha bite me




Alpha says...


Right, one more thing, do doctors usually bring amputated limbs with them to show their patients how shriveled they are? Even if the doctor didn't believe that Boy grew a new arm, would an educated man go that far to prove his point to his mentally ill patient?
That part kinda confused me.



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Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:35 pm
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deleted5 wrote a review...



I really like this story, even though I don't think I grasped the concept of it but I think that may have been the desired effect as the protagonist is a mad person. I quite like the eerie tone you showed off in this and the confusion of the protagonist as he/she is confused by why no one can understand the "karma arm" and etcetera.
I was very confused about the last 4 lines, I didn't get what that was about, also I noticed that January 25 has no entry on it!
Besides those two things I found this a very fresh, eerie and great short story!




carbonCore says...


January 25th was intentionally left blank. Thank you for the review!



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:21 pm
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Cirute wrote a review...



This is an extremely interesting story. The fact that it has an eerie tone to it makes the story all the more enjoyable, and you certainly pulled this off quite well. The flow was good, as was the word use. Overall, I really enjoyed the story.

But... I did have one major problem. For some reason the story seemed to lack a certain aspect, one which I had a rather hard time placing. I have come to the conclusion that it is certain level of rawness to it that I found a lack thereof. I really don't know, maybe it's just me as a reader, but the story seemed too polished to be written by an insane person. Of course, no one really wants to read the ramblings of a madman, but neither would one want to read a story that seems preternatural of one who suffers from insanity. There needs to be a fine balance, and in all honesty I think this story leans just a little bit to the latter for my taste. Then again, you do somewhat redeem this in the final lines of the story. After some time I came to the conclusion that this (the final lines of the story) is how the entire story was written, and it was merely translated to a form that wouldn't resemble that of a madman. Still, I really have to force myself to believe this, and not that the entire story was told in it's current form. Really, you shouldn't bother yourself over this. It's not that big a deal, for the story is still very good, but still, I find it rather irritating.

I hope this review helps, for what it's worth. :)

~Cirute




carbonCore says...


Hmm... Could you point out the problematic lines? I also get this sort of vibe from this piece, but I can't narrow them down.



Cirute says...


Well, this passage seemed rather problematic:

"My mother visited today! She brought me food (which is great). I can't really shop anymore, so I told her thank you for being considerate. She didn't reply, though. I also showed her the patched hole. Mother doesn't like hearing about the wind (terrible! Does she not care if they will have to cut my eye out?). She thinks I'm making it up, because the air vent that the wind was leaking from was bricked up when I first complained. Anyway, we had tea and talked about things. I told her that I knew I'll have another arm soon. She started crying and left."

I dunno, just kinda bothered me...




And you have to flaunt the weird, my friends.
— Alex Fierro