Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a Kingdom a little too close by, there lived a Princess. She was known far and wide as Snow White. Which was honestly weird since for as long as anyone could remember snow had been the colour snow always was - a deep purple.
Really her name should have been Snow Purple.
But it wasn’t. Snow was famous throughout all the land, and sea and sky for being the most beautiful being to walk the Earth. Her skin was the purest white you ever did see, and her lips the red of the first drop of blood of a new-born babe. Her hair was inky jet black and her eyes deep pools.
The thought that rose unbidden in the minds of all those who laid eyes on Snow was “vampire-like”. It rose from deep within them, from their small intestines. Yet, they did not know what it meant; so they would keep their mouths shut and not voice the thought lest they offend the King.
The King doted on his only child, and plied her with all that her heart desired. The Queen on the other hand… was less free. She would look sometimes. Hold her breath. Watching Snow the way prey watched sleeping predators.
Things concerned her.
She would whisper to the King.
“Are we sure Snow is….. okay?”
The King would only scoff at his wife and turn to look at Snow. Sitting ghostly pale in the candlelight, feasting on a lamb chop and sigh in consternation, “What are you talking about Elga, look at her, she’s perfect. Just like her mother.”
The Queen would follow the King’s gaze and watch Snow drink deep from a goblet of blood red wine. She would quietly wonder why no one would talk about her step-daughter’s mother.
Sometimes, at night, in the flickering light of the candle while getting ready for bed the Queen would shiver. She would shake herself out of it. It was undignified to feel this she would tell herself. But really, if she allowed herself to think, she would realise, her step-daughter scared the bejejeeses out of her.
Snow was the kindest, most gentle being to ever walk the Earth. Really, she was so delicate, even the Sun troubled her so. She did not like going out during the day. The night however was a different story. She loved going out when the Kingdom was asleep.
Dangerous as this was, the King of course allowed it. He would never say no to her.
The Queen all this while grew more and more concerned. She was worried, but she couldn’t say why. She began to search for something that would help Snow. With what she didn’t know.
****
Then, winter came.
The deep purple of the snow blanketed the Kingdom and golden hearths were lit in all the homes. Winter was a time of celebration. A celebration of life, and a good harvest and there was plenty to cheer for this year.
Snow had also revived herself from her gloomy mood and was cheery. After all, the sun was gone! She moved through the Kingdom with her father, wishing her people and partaking in the merry making.
The Queen however, was not with them. She had opted to stay at the castle instead and was currently feverishly working the palace library looking for one of the most powerful magical objects in the world. The Mirror of Dracula.
She wasn’t sure who this “Dracula” was but according to the library his mirror was capable of answering any question it was addressed to. She absolutely needed this mirror for Snow. She simply had to know what was wrong with her step-daughter, even if she couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that bothered her.
The Queen had spent months looking for the mirror, or anything about the mirror and was just about to give up when, as if written by the hand of a lazy author, the book with the map that led to the mirror had appeared on one of the shelves.
Really it would all have gone a lot faster if she had the servants help her search their unreasonably large library but what would she tell them? How would she explain herself? The Queen trying to cure her daughter when there was nothing wrong with her? What would people say?!?
No, the matter had to stay secret. So, after long last she had found the book, and was just searching for the right page. Ah! Lo and behold! The map to the most powerful mirror in all existence.
The Queen peered at the map as one does when they should be wearing glasses but refuse to do so due to crazed notions of it spoiling their looks, she saw that the map led to a secret chamber right inside the castle. How convenient!
The Queen smiled in satisfaction. Off we go then, she thought and picked up the torch and the book. She set off down the narrow stone hallways which looked cold despite the celebratory finery. Twisting and turning the path went deeper and deeper inside the castle. The finery faded from the walls and the floor grew dusty.
The Queen's gown collected dead mice and cobwebs but she didn’t stop till she reached the secret chamber. The fabled stronghold of the most powerful magical object in history, hidden deep inside the castle at the bottom of the very last hallway several hundred kilometers beneath the surface, was an old broom closet.
And boy was it old. Red rotting wood, the door hanging off the hinges, it looked ready to collapse. The Queen herself didn’t look too much better. The rather long walk had taken quite a bit out of her, “I’m too old for this.” she muttered, stretching.
Yet, she didn’t give up. She had come this far. She would only leave with the mirror. Wrinkling her nose in disgust she nudged the closet with her foot.
CRACK!
The doors fell to the ground with several dirty brooms lifting an underwhelming cloud of dust. Inside the closet was an oval shaped rag that looked like it had been stuck over something. That has to be the mirror, thought the Queen. She picked it up - it was suitably heavy. She shook it a little in a futile attempt to get some dust off but it was caked on like dirt on a shirt in a detergent commercial.
Sighing she stuck it under her arm and turned to go back. She only hoped to be back before her husband and step-daughter would return.
*****
“Where’s step-mother by the way?” Snow asked her father, chomping down on her steak. If said step-mum was here she would have tentatively reprimanded her step-daughter for eating unlike the princess that she was. But her father said nothing.
“She was tired so she went to bed.” Snow’s father replied, cutting his steak with a knife. They were sitting in the palace hall surrounded by golden candlelight eating dinner. Snow frowned at a servant as if willing her to spontaneously combust, her father stared at his wine as if willing it to spontaneously multiply.
“What did she do that made her so tired? She was inside the entire day.” The King resisted the unkingly urge to shrug. “I’m not sure, but she was muttering something about hallways and closets”
Snow paused with a goblet halfway to her lips. “Hallways and closets???” Her father made an odd sort of half aborted move with his shoulders. “I don’t know sweetheart, why don’t you eat your food.”
Snow went back to her dinner.
The winter celebrations had been good, as evidenced by the purple sludge that stained their boots. The people had danced and sung and the bonfires had roared merrily. And if the sight of Snow with the firelight glowing in her eyes sent shivers down someone's spine it was not mentioned.
*****
The next day, the King rode out to hear people’s grievances in the town square. At the Queen's urging he took Snow with him too. Once they were safely far away the Queen shut herself in her room and set about unpacking the mirror.
It wasn’t hard. The cloth, if it could be called cloth, practically fell apart in her hand. Once she had wiped it all away there lay an oval obsidian slab. The Queen frowned at it. It didn’t look like much.
Still, she flipped open the book and prepared herself to chant the incantation. The Queen cleared her throat.
“Mirror mirror not on the wall
Accept my promise of tickles!!
Beseech my request!
Answer the query,
That I asketh thee!!!
I offer thee tickles galore!!!”
The incantation didn’t make much, if any, sense but it certainly worked. The mirror rose from the ground and spun rapidly, whirling like a tornado.
Suddenly, it stopped. Standing still mid-air; a face began to appear. The Queen gasped, tensing in anticipation. Excitement coursing through her veins. This was it! This was the great Mirror! This was the great magical object that would help her find a solution! This was the all-powerful! Eternally wise-
“Yoooo! Wassup?!?”
The Queen blinked. What?
The face on the mirror finally materialised, the mirror spun taking in the room. “Whooo! These are some sweet digs sister! Damn! You're a rich one aren’t you honey!?”
The Queen sputtered “I- what-”
The Mirror swung to face her and advanced at an alarming speed causing the Queen to stumble backwards “Ooooo my! You’re a looker aren't you! My my I haven't been owned by such a pretty little thing in a loooooong time!” It winked at her.
The Queen gaped like a villager did their first time in the castle. “I- I- I can’t see my reflection?!?” She cried a little desperately, like she was clawing for normality.
The Mirror raised a skeptical eyebrow, “Say what now? You can’t see your whatsist whatsmchyamacallit?”
“My- my reflection. You’re a mirror aren't you?”
The Mirror looked at the Queen like a villager looked at a particularly stupid village idiot. It seemed to have permanently raised an eyebrow. Freezing its face into skepticism. “Girlie, I am Dracula’s mirror. Do you not understand what he is?”
The Queen flushed in anger, “Do not talk to me like that! I am the Queen!! I will have you smashed!!”
The Mirror raised its eyebrows in a way that only a sentient mirror can when it wants to metaphorically raise its hands in surrender. “Whoa okay calm down girlboss. You got a question for me, yes?”
The Queen blinked, still a little flummoxed. “Yes I do. I wanted to ask how to find out what is wrong with my step daughter. Can you answer that?”
“Can I answer that?” the Mirror snorted derisively, “Girlie I can answer any damn question you throw at me! But not without payment, capisce?”
The Queen stared owlishly. This was really not going how she expected. “Payment?”
“Mhm dats right.”
“How do I need to pay you?”
“In tickles.”
“In what???”
The raised eyebrow was back, “Did you not hear the incantation you were chanting?”
“Well- yes, yes I did-”
“Then what are you waiting for girlie!? Get tickling!”
The Queen stared like she was trying to mentally maneuver herself out of this situation. She looked a little constipated. She found no way out. “How… exactly do I do that?”
The Mirror grinned, “Well just run your finger up and down anywhere, that should do the trick.”
The Queen swallowed nervously, and moved forward, tentatively running her finger up and down the left corner of the mirror. For a second, nothing happened, but then the Mirror started to laugh. High pitched squeals of laughter rebounded in the room.
And if outside the room the servants stood frozen in horror watching the Queen’s closed door as hyena laughter echoed throughout the castle emanating from the Queen’s room then she was blissfully unaware as she stood awkwardly, uncomfortable and uncertain as the obsidian mirror rippled in hysterical, cackling laughter.
“AH! AH! OHH! OHH! STOP! HAHAHAHAHAH!! STOP! THAT’S ENOUGH!!!”
The Queen didn’t need to be told twice she snatched her hand back as if burned and moved away from the Mirror. She rubbed her finger convulsively against her gown as if she wanted to erase it from existence. She cleared her throat. “So, can you answer my question?”
The Mirror was in a daze and it sighed contently, “Hm? Oh. Yeah all you gotta do is try to kill her.”
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I like how you made a different version of Snow White (I love the title). I'm sort of making my own spin off of Beauty and the Beast, and you gave me some good head starters. I really loved this story.
''Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a Kingdom a little too close by, there lived a Princess. She was known far and wide as Snow White. Which was honestly weird since for as long as anyone could remember snow had been the colour snow always was - a deep purple.
Really her name should have been Snow Purple.''
At first, I was like, ''WHATTTT?!'' I was like, snow can't be purple, but then I remembered that this is a story by someone's imagination and thoughts. That's a really good idea to have the snow purple instead of white. Also just a side note, color is spelled wrong, it may be a typo.
''Snow was famous throughout all the land, and sea and sky for being the most beautiful being to walk the Earth. Her skin was the purest white you ever did see, and her lips the red of the first drop of blood of a new-born babe. Her hair was inky jet black and her eyes deep pools.
The thought that rose unbidden in the minds of all those who laid eyes on Snow was “vampire-like”. It rose from deep within them, from their small intestines. Yet, they did not know what it meant; so they would keep their mouths shut and not voice the thought lest they offend the King.''
Right away we find out that Snow is maybe a vampire, just like creeperfeverdreams mentioned. Now what I am a little confused about is the rose in the second paragraph. That was the part, you could have elaborated on and explain what the flower signifies or symbolize.
''Snow was the kindest, most gentle being to ever walk the Earth. Really, she was so delicate, even the Sun troubled her so. She did not like going out during the day. The night however was a different story. She loved going out when the Kingdom was asleep.
Dangerous as this was, the King of course allowed it. He would never say no to her.
The Queen all this while grew more and more concerned. She was worried, but she couldn’t say why. She began to search for something that would help Snow. With what she didn’t know.''
I disagree with the Queen's actions of not telling the King more about Snow White(Oh, I mean purple). I mean, aren't you the queen? Do something other than cower in fear. Your kingdom might be overthrown by vampires....
''The Mirror was in a daze and it sighed contently, “Hm? Oh. Yeah all you gotta do is try to kill her.”
I don't think the queen with really follow through with this plan, because I think she still has affection for Snow Purple.
Overall, a very good twist on a story, thank you very much, and I hope you continue to write
xoxo, lovelydove.
.... colour is the British version and is not wrong or a typo. In fact it is the original and more widely accepted form of the word. For those who follow British english it's actually color (no u) that is considered incorrect lol (my laptop puts the red line also below it as my settings are set to British English)
rose here doesn't mean the flower, it's the past tense of rise.
Oh I am sorry, I must have not looked at it carefully.
WAIT WAIT WAIT.
So I was with you when the Queen was concerned about Snow White (totally valid, honestly... she might very well be a vampire if she really is that pale, lol) and getting that answered.
But like. When the Queen asked what was wrong with Snow White, and the mirror's answer was... "Yeah, all you gotta do is try to kill her."
HOW IS THIS GOOD ADVICE?
Like, I am no stepmother, but I think I would definitely hesitate and be like, "Oh wait, WHAT."
Though like... it is Dracula's mirror so maybe it's unethical. Still!!! WHAT.
This kind of seems like a bridge too far???
For the next part, I kind of want to have Stepmom have some better justification for possibly trying to kill Snow White rather than just "the mirror told me too" because that would seem too random, even for a parody, lol.
Anyway, looking forward to the next part!
Hehe thanks for the review Snoink!!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wretched S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Here, we see a parody of Snow White, which combines two of my favorite things: fairytales and vampires! Snow is a strange and unsettling vampire, but the Queen seems to be the one most disturbed. She’s going to do something about it though, no matter how absurd the solution might be.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - Hmm…where to start? First of all, I love that the snow is a deep purple, it’s hilarious and weirdly beautiful. I also like how Snow White is literally a vampire, since she’s so white with red lips. It must be even more strange for the people in this story because they have never seen such a bright white! And to see the Queen just get through it all the best way she can…I feel bad for her, but she’s doing it!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very intriguing first chapter of this story! I shall be sure to check out the other chapters! I wonder if Snow is really as evil as everyone thinks she is or just really, really bad at conveying her emotions. But whatever the case, I hope the Queen’s unease ends soon…
And I hope you have a beautiful day/night! ^v^
Thanks for the review!
You%u2019re welcome! :>
Howdy, canopy! I'm always a fan of fairy tale retellings, especially those leaning more comedic. This piece in particular was hysterical; when I wasn't grinning ear-to-ear, I was laughing out loud, as though I were an obsidian mirror who charged in tickles.
What had me cracking up the most was your version of Snow White, the character. The subtle hints toward her monstrosity and the way all the characters treat it as absolutely normal. The Queen, who the reader naturally sympathizes with, appears entirely unreasonable to the absurd characters she's forced to share a page with. Even the narration itself seems to work against her; I missed this line on my first read through, but now it's one of my favorites,
Absolute comic gold.
I also really liked the pay-off of the purple snow, and I hope that it continues to be brought up in future parts. I did notice that you use "deep-purple snow" twice; once, when this kingdom's odd weather quirks are revealed to us, and again when winter comes. It might be cool if, in the second case, the snows color is hinted at rather than outright stated. Think of all the metaphors we use to describe snow in our world and imagine how they might be different in this one. There's a lot of room to play, and it keeps you from relating the same information twice.
My favorite line in the whole piece was here,
the image of the Queen dragging not just one dead mouse, but mice plural behind her as she ventures through a secret tunnel that seems to get longer and longer, and that it goes unremarked upon by the narration was hysterical to me. Playing this bit straight heightened its absurdity, and thus made it shine.
Throughout this piece, I noticed a lot of your punchlines were "reversals," where the joke is that the reader is expecting one thing, but something different or absurd happens instead. For example, the snow being purple, modern metaphors the reader wouldn't expect in a fantasy setting, or the mirror being so blasé in its murder-pitch. While I thought these moments of subversion were all individually well executed, by the end, I found myself bracing for it. They stopped surprising me, and therefore their overall effectiveness was diminished.
On a related note, though I enjoyed the silly narration style, I found it worked to undermine attempts at subversion. Because it doesn't take its story seriously, the reader doesn't either, and therefore they aren't surprised by an irreverent, anachronistic mirror. This wouldn't matter too much, except that it keeps the reader from relating to The Queen, who is our "straight woman." That is, the audience surrogate and the character grounding the narrative.
I'm going to throw out a suggestion, but bear in mind that it's guided by personal preference, and that other readers may feel differently to me.
Let your story take its eccentricities dead serious. Let the absurdity be revealed through its characters and plot, rather than spelled out by the narration. Please forgive the cliche'd advice, but show the satire rather than tell it to us. Your subversions will feel more like subversions because your reader won't be primed to expect them.
But really, I've gotten extremely nit-picky. This was a hilarious rendition of a classic tale, and I'm genuinely excited for the next part. I cannot wait to learn more about what's up with Snow White, (is she a vampire, or is The Queen reading too much into things? What does killing her have to do with anything? Does the mirror has some mysterious ulterior agenda?)
Please feel free to tag me when the next part comes out, as I'm really looking forward to reading it! Cheers!
So sorry, I just read the stories description and realized that you said it totally isn't a parody of Snow White. Please forgive my mistake.
xoxo
Hi Horisun, thank you so much for the review!!
First off,
It actually is a parody of snow white lol I was trying to be sarcastic in the description, sorry if that didn't translate!
I really liked this advice of yours, this really didn't cross my mind at all so thank you for that!
Over here I absolutely get what you mean about how it might get repetitive and predictable with the style I am writing it in but the thing is I've sort of imagined the entire story in a similar tone and it's gonna be hard for me to restructure that. I will definitely look into making things less obvious.
What exactly do you mean when you say that the story takes the eccentricities dead serious? Like for example, in the mirror would that mean that the Queen isn't surprised by the mirror's lack of reverence. Or are you talking more about the tone in which I narrate? Would it be more ridiculous if the tone was solemn and revenant? Hmm yeah thinking about it I think I see what you might mean.
Honestly, I was also having a little trouble with the tone, I was trying to get it to match a story I wrote earlier in a similar style but I was struggling with it a bit. Either way thank you for the review again! It was really helpful!! I'll be sure to tag you when I get the next part out! :3
Hi, of course!
You hit the nail on the head with what I'm trying to say! As with all feedback, you can totally take it or leave it. I was honestly heavily debating including it in the review at all since it's so subjective.
Always glad to be of help! <3