I have to warn you guys, everything I narrate to you here is gospel truth. That’s right, every single one of these horrific events has actually happened, right in front of my eyes. Therefore reader get thee warned, this story is not for the faint hearted, anyone young enough to be scared of cats must leave immediately! Consider yourself cautioned….
Now that’s out of the way let me introduce myself, I - am your narrator.
I am also that pesky, annoying inner voice at the back of your head that is invariably right and is cursed with terrible timing. I'm not your inner voice of course, eesh no, that would be weird. No, I’m Nek the tabby cat’s inner voice.
Yes that’s right.
You’re probably thinking that inner voices usually don’t narrate sensational stories, they are really busy being unhelpful.
That is correct.
It is also incorrect.
You see, tabby cats - the rich, immensely wealthy, fat, lazy kind (which Nek is) – are boring. Nothing going on their cat sized brains, nothing at all! My talents as an inner voice are completely wasted! Wasted!
Its scandalous is what it is.
That’s why I’ve taken this badly paying gig - narrating the greatest mystery of the century - I’m frightfully bored.
But enough about me, let's get to the story.
This mystery thriller takes place in Pretty Dreams Retirement Housing Colony. Which is a housing colony for all those who retire from big corporate companies, PDRHC for short.
The day the greatest mystery of the 21st century was born was just like any other day.
The sun was shining, the grass was green, the birds were looking delicious, the milk was fresh, the retirees were slowly waking up. Hearing aids were being turned up, dentures were pulled out from their nightly bath, doors opened and blasts of air stuffed with the scent of cloth freshener, mothballs and the musty greasy scent of denture cream blasted out.
Whoosh!
All the flowery dresses and bald winking heads made their way to the dining hall, ready to devour the bland mushy oatmeal at snail’s pace.
The day was boring already.
But it soon wouldn’t be.
After breakfast, all the retirees made their way to the television room, where they sat enraptured, watching Porridge.
Good old Porridge, classic reliable television.
Quite serious business indeed, oh yes, very, very serious business.
It was always to be watched with the grim, sombre face and analytical mind.
“Oh look,” a trembling finger pointed to the lonely ghostly screen, “that’s new.” The voice was soft, wavery and fragile, like old paper, or fresh fish. Mrs Potts pointed feebly.
“Oh yes dear, quite right, that is a new crack in the wall.” said Mr Potts, who sounded drowsy, as he always did.
Mrs Potts pointed again, “No, no dear, not that.”
“Ahh, she is pointing to that chip in the wall Jamie, see, it’s gotten bigger.” The voice was rather confused, but the room murmured quietly, the chip had gotten bigger.
“No, Cathy honey, I'm not, I was pointing to the screen see, it has a new crack.”
Mr Wylde squinted at the screen, his glasses dancing precariously, “So it does, strange, I wonder when it happened.” His hoarse voice, gravely due to years of yelling at subordinates, disturbed the others and they were subsequently shushed.
All the retirees sat enraptured before the screen, chuckling every now and then, sometimes even shedding tears.
Somewhere a hearing aid whistled.
It was collectively shushed.
Television was serious business indeed.
Very serious.
Like a board meeting, or a duck feeding, or a watching of new paint dry.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, television is serious business.
But there is one thing that is very serious,
It is serious.
More than a board meeting, more than delicious duckies, more than new wall paint.
More than Porridge.
It is Bingo.
The retirees are very serious about Bingo.
It is the bane of their existence, it's like the Exile of Everlasting Life. Even the most old, bald, dentured, hearing aided, Porridge loving retiree became young for Bingo.
Their eyes sparkled, their dentures almost fell out of their smiles, their hearing aids whistled, brutal efficiency, discipline, speed and fairness emerged in them – enough to put the military to shame.
All because of Bingo.
After a daily dose of Porridge, and a lunch of bland oatmeal, all the retirees sat in the great Bingo Hall (which was exactly where the dining hall was, it even looked the same, I’ve heard rumours that they were twins…), and spent the next hours of their lives playing the brutal, cutthroat, audacious, iron-rule bound, vital, fatal, tense and dramatic game of Bingo.
Are humans weird?
Maybe.
Are they mad?
Probably.
Should you run away the moment you see one?
Yes you should, in fact you must, it is vital.
Unless they have milk or cream or fish, then by all means, stay. Go snuggle up to them look cute and live like a King.
Where was I ….?
… oh yes!
Bingo!
The great Game of the Gods!
As I was saying, all the retirees loved Bingo, and they were all very serious about it.
That fateful day was no different, after lunch all the retirees eagerly sat down to play Bingo.
The scent of cloth freshener, mothballs and denture cream filled the air, the weak lights flickered, snow and bald heads lay bent over the little cards in serious, strong concentration, their little red stamps poised with practiced precision, all little swords ready to strike red.
I saw everything from my cat’s eye perch on the centre of the table.
The game went on.
Hours trickled by.
Thump!
Thump!
Thump!
Went the little red stamps.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Went a hearing aid.
Thump!
Thump!
Thump!
Went the little red stamps.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Went a hearing aid.
The time passed.
Slowly.
Slowly.
Very, very slowly, the game came to a close. The little cards were almost filled, all the retirees teetered on excited tenterhooks, peppy, wishing to be the winner who got the prize.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!
Went hearing aids.
BHWAM!
Went one last little stamp.
A shrill old lady’s voice filled the air, “BIIIIIIINGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Ms Lilith screeched, louder than an angry man in parliament situated on top of an active volcano.
She had won the fabled game! She had best the past champions! She had triumphed!
Tears of acute joy streamed down her face as she danced over to the podium to collect her much-coveted prize.
The other retirees watched her, some eyes filled with begrudging respect of a battle hard won, some with joy, some with jealousy, some drowsy with sleep.
Ms Lilith laughed, her dentures wobbled dangerously, her hearing aid whistled furiously like a piping steam pot, her flowery dress flawaggered, she reached the podium and claimed the box on the pedestal.
Her prize! Won after such arduous hard work, such toil.
Ms Lilith had glee written all over her face.
Ms Lilith was pure joy.
Ms Lilith bowed to the rapturous applause.
Ms Lilith pulled the ribbon.
Ms Lilith opened the box.
Ms Lilith screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
Ms Lilith’s face was red.
Ms Lilith’s eyes were wide with terror.
Ms Lilith fainted.
Thud!
Went her head on the podium,
Was she dead?
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This was very fun to read! The prose you use is wild and theatric, Nek is quite the narrator.
I'm not used to reading mystery stories with a humorous twist, but I will say you had me smiling and giggling throughout.
Nek's tone gives off a very absurdist vibe that can be equated to some lovecraftian God that loves to toy with the lives of mortals (or maybe thats just how cats normally are). The lighthearted jabs at the mundane lives of these elderly ex-big wigs is kind of bleak when you think about it but you focus on the silliness of it. I love how the show that they watch and the food they eat has the same name, very creative!
Also am a big fan of onomatopoeia in writing and you used it well! The way you accentuate the sounds that the bingo stamps made as the players put them down or the whistle of the hearing aids helped to ground me in the story. Although one nitpick I'd add is that it isn't necessary to always specify what the sound is, especially when it has been used before. For Example the "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!" is the hearing aid but even at the end of the work the narrator continues to mention it.
And finally, Lilith's untimely demise,
"Ms Lilith had glee written all over her face.
Ms Lilith was pure joy.
Ms Lilith bowed to the rapturous applause.
Ms Lilith pulled the ribbon.
Ms Lilith opened the box.
Ms Lilith screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
And screamed.
Ms Lilith’s face was red.
Ms Lilith’s eyes were wide with terror.
Ms Lilith fainted."
The space between each sentence only makes the events all the more impactful and it gave me the time to soak up each action, a well executed bit of suspense and terror in an overall absurd tale.
Wish you the best and keep writing!
Thanks for the review!
Wow, what a wild ride! This short story had me hooked from the start. It's narrated by this quirky inner voice of a tabby cat, which is already hilarious. The story takes place in a retirement home called Pretty Dreams, and let me tell you, it's anything but boring!
The author paints such a vivid picture of these retirees and their daily routines. You can practically smell the mothballs and hear the clinking of dentures as they shuffle around. The humor is spot on, with lines like comparing Bingo to "the Exile of Everlasting life"—I mean, how can you not chuckle at that?
The twist with Ms. Lilith winning Bingo and then fainting at her prize reveal had me on the edge of my seat. What was in that mysterious box? I was dying to know! The ending left me hanging a bit, but in a good way. It made me wonder about all the secrets these retirees might be hiding.
Overall, this story was a delightful mix of humor, mystery, and a touch of the unexpected. If you enjoy quirky characters and a good plot twist, this one's for you. Can't wait to read more from this author!
GOOD JOB!
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!
Hello there, friend! Ellie here to leave you a quick review on this lovely piece! Let's get right into it!
I really love the style of narration that you use in this piece, with the narrator actually introducing themselves to us, the readers. I found this to be very engaging to read. It is almost like a play or musical that breaks the fourth wall, if that makes sense. Being spoken to directly just really helps me connect to the story line!
You did an incredible job here, expressing these sounds through text! Epic work! This helps us hear in our heads what you are thinking in your head. It feels very creative and free to me. You aren't just constraining yourself to typical writing boundaries and you are being very free with your writing style
Absolutely loved this ending:
The repetition of "Ms Liliths'" is very dramatic and felt emotion filled to me. The ending of 'is she dead' was captivating and makes us eager to read more. Well done making this dramatic and engaging, though so many different writing styles and tactics. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Keep writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Thank you so much for the review Ellie!
Hey there, khushi! Rebel here for a short review!
Now, this was a unique and interesting read! I love the concept of the inner voice of a tabby cat narrating a murder mystery, it's... unique and humorous, to say the least. Also, I love how you have described the characters, the conversations, and the interactions in general - it's a breath of fresh air, not a lot of description, but just enough to make the reader think and just enough to make me laugh out loud. Although I think the style becomes a bit repetitive at times, I guess it's just me because some of my stories have a similar style. But, it would be nice if you add a bit more spice into your creative potpourri of tabby chaos.
And yes, it was a bit unsettling to have so many single-line paragraphs - you could try to bring some of them together, except when you are trying to pull off a comedic effect, of course. For example, this one is perfect:
This is the perfect way of writing little single-line paragraphs. However, the following:
...is not. You could have just merged all the lines before Bingo into one single paragraph - it wouldn't have lost its humorous effect at all, instead it would feel more compact. Also, note that more compactness =/= less humour. For example, here's a little extract from my own work, Nine [Ch. IV] -
The compactness of these dialogues doesn't interrupt the flow of wit at all, in fact, I would say that that humour is enhanced in this manner.
So, that's a little thing you can look out for. Also, this is just my opinion - to include it in your future works or not is totally your own decision. Also, although it's indicated in the name of the chapter itself, Ms. Lilith collapsing and potentially dying was definitely not on my Bingo cards, so, good job with that little twist. I do not have anything else to comment on, your work was just really good and fun to read! Keep writing! :p
P.S.: This review is brought to you by Team Tortoise.
Thank you so much for the review Rebel! And for that suggestion about the paragraphs, I hadn't thought about compacting them at all, I'll definitely keep it in mind while writing here on.