umbilical

Hi @candyhearts - and welcome to Young Writers Society! I hope you enjoy it here - we've got a great community of writers and especially poets!

Oh this is absolutely lovely, and striking, and warm. As someone who has studied Hebrew and written a few poems imagining the Christian G*d as a mother hen, I certainly love this poem. This poem in particular of mine I think has a very parallel message to this poem you wrote, so maybe you'd enjoy

Some thoughts -

I like that the format was loose and organic - went with that more earthy / less rigid feeling of the whole poem. You did a good job keeping this utterly concise so that the reader can really just focus on each image / sentence without getting bogged down with unnecessary filler. It's very tight!

Let's look at each section / stanza individually.

some hermeneutics are cloth and not wire, / some hebrew roots are feminine without need

I agree with the claim that hermeneutics are sometimes more "cloth-like" than "wire-like" - and I think that's such a unique metaphor too - but to me speaks at language being flexible, healing, soft, gentle, and encompassing rather than rigid, practical, objective, thin etc. Language is so contextual / cultural that this is really true.

As for the second half of that stanza -> I almost wonder if it'd be a better point for this piece to say some hebrew roots are 'masculine' without need. .... ie. people are always pointing out masculine names of "G*d" or leaders but ignoring the feminine ending of spirit / ruach etc. I think it might be interesting if elsewhere in this poem you played a bit with the image of roots -> both as linguistic markers, but also as ancestral / familial connections.

the mamalangue of the narrative, the nonrepresentatable ' purge me with hyssop' of the psalms. / there are moments in the bible that are not off / on, missing the father entirely.

so "mamalangue" is a new word for me, and I think will be new to most English readers -> I'm assuming this means something like "mother tongue" - > great use of the word there. I think this would be quite a diversion and difficult to mix in -> but I could see how "purge me with hyssop" might be contrasted with levitical purity laws regarding menstruation. Interesting how blood is "cleansing" in one sense, but defiling in another sense.

I don't so much like the "off/on" it seemed a bit too technical / repetitious compared to other images used. Maybe "either / or"? Also I felt "not phallic" while correct and descriptive - could be a little distracting a bit too much for some readers. Wonder if there'd be a way to say that in a bit more of a subtle innuendo or way that's less direct / shocking? - An example of where the father is missing could be helpful too - ie. Elimelech, Mahlon, Chilion? I wondered if that line was meant double meaning though as "missing the father" like missing paternal / masculine presence, but also missing the "Father" when G*d is absent from the story of scripture.

here there is warm bread, rizpah in hysteria, hagar holding a waterskin womb.

Lovely. Rizpah and Hagar our such powerful examples here. Especially Hagar - evoking her just trying to keep her baby alive when everyone has betrayed her and G*d comes to speak and provide and give her baby something to drink. Womb is also a very divinely-connected word in Hebrew (connected with Tabernacle) so is a good one for this poem.

sometimes, hashem mouths something / in your mother's voice.

I think "hashem" will be a new word to some readers, and maybe some will choose not to look up if they don't already know that - > I think there may be some concern with the accessibility of this poem because of the biblical and Hebrew references - though for someone who has studied Hebrew and the Bible extensively I really enjoyed it and loved the connections / points that you made. Sometimes in poems that have a lot of "insider" knowledge or words that will be hard to understand for those who haven't studied other languages, you can make the poem more accessible by use of footnotes where you define (maybe not even technically but just poetically) the words/names with meanings that won't be familiar for everyone -> like manalangue, rizpah, hagar, hashem.

Overall I really loved the images you used and the directness of your poem - it was a good intriguing read.

I think the final stanza is the most powerful and really leaves a lasting impression. What a very fabulous point, that sometimes G*d speaks in the maternal and though controversial this is absolutely Biblical if we read deeply.

Thanks for sharing such a fabulous piece! You're a very skilled poet and I look forward to reading more of your work!

alliyah