The One (Her)

Hi, Calondra! I am here to review this lovely paragraph that you have here.

Let me start off by saying that it certainly was lovely! Your descriptions made it sound like you truly care about the girl you are talking about. So many people nowadays try to talk about the one they're interested in, and they make it sound possessive, or just plain lustful. Yours was a wonderful break from that. =) (Though, towards the end, you started drifting into that...)

I think that this would work best as a poem. You mostly use sentence fragments, so I think that adds to it's awkwardness as a paragraph, but would so benefit from a poem format. I've kinda broken it up in that way so I can make comments, but it's totally up to you what you do with it!

The eyes that hold the secrets of many,
stories of the past,
and memories that hurt a lost soul.
The lips that speak words
of wisdom, truth, and love.
The body that tells
the thoughts, the history, and the future.

The reason I separated this part into one stanza is because you start each sentence off with "The" and describe her, so I put those lines together. Back to the first and second lines: Are you saying that her eyes hold the secrets of many people and the secrets of stories of the past, or that her eyes hold the secrets of many stories of the past? As it is now, it would be read as the first one. I figured I would ask you, since I wasn't sure what your intent was. Moving on to the last two lines: How exactly does her body tell all of that? As it is, it sounds poetic, but it doesn't make much sense. (This is something that all poets, even I, struggle with!) You can go on to explain what about her body says all of this. This is just a random example, and I have no idea if this is what you had in mind when you wrote this, but here goes:

"The body that tells
the thoughts, the history, and the future;
faint red scars on her arms telling of pain
and of a decision to live."

Or something! The scars show that she cut herself because of whatever was going on in the past, but the faintness of them shows that she has moved on and has a hope for the future. So, add something in of your own to expound upon that!

Her hair draping over her shoulders
like sun over the earth on a hot summer day.
Her smile as beautiful as
a newly bloomed flower, white and pure.
Her persoality, funny, nice, loving, caring.
She’s the definition of true beauty and grace,
even on her worst days.

I broke this up because you're still describing her, but you've switched from "The" aspects of her to "Her" herself. This section was very nice; I think most girls would be pleased to be described in this way. You accidentally left out the 'n' in 'personality', but that's not a big deal. Easy fix. Not much else to say on this!

The soft pink lips that have touched those of few.
The only “one” I would be with...
that is, if she would allow that.
To hold her hand is all I want,
in a way that makes her mine.
Hold her tight and keep her safe and warm.

D'aww, how cute. :3 Question, though: Why is "one" in quotation marks? Are you suggesting that she is not actually the only one? *gasps of horror* If that's not what you meant, you should probably change it. (Unless there's some other explanation that my non-romantic self has not thought of.)

The beauty of my dreams,
and the wild spirit I desire.
A love burning deep within for her.
To say “I love you” to her,
and meaning it dearly,
only to know she doesn’t mean it back.
To want to call her mine like so many men have.

Nice way to wrap it up! However, you seem to have a contradiction. In the last stanza, you described her lips as "The soft pink lips that have touched those of few", yet here, you're saying that many men have claimed her as their own. Is it just that they have desired her and she has not gotten together with them, or...? Might want to check on that a bit more. Also, the ending lines don't quite fit with the poem. You're describing her, and you suddenly describe your desires for her and how she won't accept you in the same way that you were talking about her. That throws off the mood of the poem; I think I would either word that part differently or cut it out. But, it's definitely up to you as the writer!!

Great job overall. I'm really not one for romantic anythings, but I did like this one. You've got some skills here. Also, welcome to YWS!! You are already a wonderful addition to this lovely site. Glad to have you!

~Ongoeslife