His eyes are chocolate pools. They reflect my love for him.
His eyes are chocolate pools. They don't understand what I'd do for him.
His hands hold a single key. I gave him the key of my heart.
His hands I wish held me. It kills me to be apart.
He loves another one. Her hair does shine like gold.
He loves and shoots with a gun. He knows not that it feels so cold.
Oh how I yearn for his embrace. To hold me, To kiss my lip.
Oh how I wish I was not a disgrace. So that it was me aboard his ship.
He does not know that I would run. That I would swim the seven seas.
He does not know that He is the sun. That he is an addictive drug to me.
His eyes are chocolate pools. They reflect my love for him.
His eyes are chocolate pools. And I,am but nothing to him.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there bubbles! Nite here to review for the Apple Dumpling Gang this fine Review Day!
Now, as others have stated, this is a feeling that a lot of us can relate to. Nearly everyone has, at one point or another, felt the sting of unrequited love, so it becomes a common subject for poems. Unfortunately, that means they all tend to sound the same after a while.
This piece uses several love-poem cliches, which makes it feel like anybody could have written it. These include "key to my heart","he is a drug", "he is the sun", "I would swim the seven seas". Stuff like this has been used so much that it has no meaning.
The stuff with the gun and ship was more interesting, but it felt like it was thrown in there more for rhyming purposes than to add meaning. Is this part of the story (e.g. is he joining the Navy?) or can you make the comparisons stronger?
If you wanted to work with this idea more, I suggest not writing about your feelings directly. Rather, bringing out the imagery in a certain moment can make the feelings apparent. For example, maybe the moment you first saw him making out with Goldilocks in the hallway. Or something like that that can show the relationship rather than just telling us about it.
Overall, the emotion here is relatable, but it needs to have some stronger images to make it more memorable. Keep writing!
Well that was romantic and simple. I guess, You covered all what a girl dreams of. My favourite lines were "he does not know that I would run . That I would swim the seven seas. He does not know that he is the sun . That he is the addictive drug to me.
I see that you have let your thoughts flow out uncontrolled. Good work. Cheers.
Usero .
Hi!
First off, I'm sorry you have to feel that way because I do, too and it really sucks. This poem is totally relate-able and really quite sweet. I like the repetition because I feel it gives the poem balance and it restates the main idea of it. I love the "He does not know that I would run. That I would swim the seven seas. He does not know that He is the sun. That he is an addictive drug to me." These lines really capture the essence of the poem for me and also the essence of that rush you feel at seeing the person and the flood of emotions going through with just one look. Good luck with this!
Hi TGS here
I think this is really sweet and romantic. I like how you repeated the first two verses for a dramatic finish. The inly thing I would say and this is just me but for this kind of poetry I think it would be better if it rimed. I really liked it Its really good hope to see more
Thanks