I Watch from the Window
This wood is etched
Across my aging face,
Laid on plates of glass,
The sill forever my place.
.
.
They came to us at night,
Shouting, cursing, searching for you;
I made a lethal mistake
By falling in love with a Jew.
.
.
You pressed a kiss into my hand,
Your face teary, wet.
Then you choked out softly,
"Please, just don't forget."
.
.
They plucked you from my weakened arms,
And cast you into death's.
I retreated to my sanctuary,
My own window, my own meth.
.
.
My lips hadn't dared
To speak your name aloud,
But today, they whisper faintly,
Broken, humbled, bowed.
.
.
...But, wait! I see you suddenly!
Beneath my prison, you pass,
Glance up, grin, and reach for me-
My fingertips brush only glass...
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This lines strikes me as unintentionally funny.I know you're trying to make it a holocaust poem, but try something else here, still having to do with him being a Jew.
and edit the line before it, to say something like
god that's atrocious^ But you get the idea, right?
Or just ignore that advice.
Anyways, the rest of your poem was fantastic and rife with imagery, especially the last stanza.
Fantastic job.
Keep rhyming,
empress
Hey there!
I think that this poem carries a lot of potential, but I don't like the narrative that you carried through with.
It's not bad, but the character here is lamenting everything -- it feels like she's sorry for even being here, and I think you need to pull your poetic focus away from this character, perhaps, even take the poem out of first person and elaborate on this from a perspective where we can better relate. As an audience, we're not going to care much for the smallest details, dearie.
Be concise in your poetry -- you can put strong emotion in a tendril of words. Best of luck!
June
Wow, surprised you didn't get more reviews on this! It may not be creative, but it sure is good!
The emotions... thats the key. And the rhyme. i love the line "They plucked you from my weakened arms and cast you into death's." And the part about falling in love with a jew. Very... poignant. i think thats the right word (though i don't really know what it means.) XD
So... well-done! Its got gut emotional appeal, thats for sure.... and some good rhymes. i think the main reason it didn't get much popular is the first few lines... like Elinor said, they are a bit confusing. Build on that "Wood etched across my aged face" thing, (which is a good, very vivid idea, btw) and maybe try to go for something more clear, and maybe a little more enticing. Thats all i reccomend.
Anyway, though, im glad you linked me to this! It definantly has a lot of potential! Just work on the beggining!
Gotta go, so sorry if this review seemed rushed!
-Mr. Realms
Thank you =) I will try to work on your suggestions.
-ash
oh p.s. It is about the holocaust... hmm How to make that fact obvious??
Hello there! This poem was quite wonderful. It is close to perfect. You have true talent. However, I do have a few nitpicks.
First, I don't really understand this simile.
What exactly are you trying to convey here? What is the significance of using wood to etch the narrator's aging face? What is laid on plates of glass? The bits of the narrator's skin?
I'm not Jewish, but I know some people who are. I read this through before I critiqued it, and I didn't know that it was a poem about the holocaust. You might want to specify that before this line, just because I don't want confused people to think this is a Jewish hate poem.
Forget what?
Also, I'm not really sure about which gender belongs to the lover and which belongs to the narrator. I think that would be good if that was specified too.
^^
Great Poem!
PM me if you have questions.