I Used To Fly

break~my~heart wrote:I Used To Fly

I used to fly
with my wings outstretched.
I'd soar so high,
my bliss almost far fetched. <---The rhyme here was catchy xD I liked it

The sky was my canvas,
the color so blue.
My wings were my brush,
my inspiration was you. <---- I have to say I loved this stanza. It was beautiful the way you used I metaphor I believe.

But then one day,
you gave up the fight
to something called Cancer, <---The word cancer here is so bold. You might want to change this. It doesn't really fit in and ruins the poem for me, especially how you say "to something". *shudders* Try finding another way of phrasing this.
and I lost my flight.

Sometimes I wonder
what we might have been,
had you kept your life
but you vanished into air, so thin. <--- Try changing this to "instead of vanishing into air, so thin" because the "but" part does not make sense.

Do I regret us?
No, not I.
I just need
(t)o learn how to fly.




ok, I'm not exactly sure I like this edited version, but, hey it's for you guys, so whatever you think is best just let me know

I loved the poem. My favorite part was

The sky was my canvas,
the color so blue.
My wings were my brush,
my inspiration was you.

I actually found that poem very simple but beautiful. Some parts didnt clash to well and i could tell where you weakness was but for the most part is was fairly well written.

And i loveeedddd the passion behind this. You really got your feelings across and i could definitly feel the emotion in it. also you got your thoughts across fairly well and it was terrific!

Hey!

I'm not a poet, but I always enjoy reading poetry!
I really enjoyed your poem, and I don't think you need punctuation advice.
The only bits that weren't so great were the bits that didn't rhyme and the word cancer. It sounded blunt and stuck out (no offence!). But otherwise, fantastic!

Keep writing!!

---------------------------

thank you everyone

Wow... Just Wow...

That was a good "Wow...", BTW. Only one suggestion, though. In this line, "To something called cancer" might look a little better as "To something called - "Cancer"?". just a suggestion, though.

Still, you did a excellent job on this! Gold Star!

Brilliant poem, and the whole punctuation bit has been pointed out already, so I don't have to waste everyone's time with all that technical junk. I loved the raw emotion in this, and the fact that you kept with the whole flying/sky theme. The only thing I have a problem with is:
"But you were gone with the wind."
Gone With the Wind is a book title. Maybe try "You were swept away by the wind"?
I'm totally starring this.

Eeeeeeek!

Okay, so before I forget, I'm totally starring this. Wait a second!

*scrolls up*

*scrolls down*

Okay, it is starred!

Now for the critique! I clicked on this poem because the title totally caught me. The title had so much emotional conflict that I just had to read the poem. I mean, just think about it. I wondered straight up, "Why is can this person/thing not able to fly anymore? Click! And then this. You have to realize that I know quite a lot of cancer victims and survivors, and so I can totally relate to this. Um... yeah. I guess I can compliment it more specifically this way:

I used to fly <--- Eek! Love this line!

With my wings outstretched <--- You're expanding this into a metaphor so that you're not just saying what you're saying, you're going beyond what you're saying. <3

I'd soar so high <--- Aha! A rhyming poem. But I like the picture anyway.

For you were my catch. <--- This line... is the worst of the poem. xD Tweak this and this poem will be absolutely lovely instead of really lovely. Right now, it really doesn't make sense. Plus! It makes stanza three a little bit weird. Since this line doesn't make sense



The sky was my canvas

The color so blue

My wings were my brush

My inspiration was you. <----------ZOMG. LOVE.



But then one day

You gave up the fight

To something called cancer

And I lost my flight. <--- This stanza is a little more iffy. I like it because cancer is brought up and such, but at the same time, I'm a little sad that the metaphor ends. Of course, you can argue (and rightly so) that you're going from the metaphor, which is very fanciful, to cancer, which is not, and in doing so you're going from creative to the real, but at the same time, it seems like it's in a completely different style. So I don't know. I would suggest tweaking it, all the while making sure that you kept this poem as it is now. It's going to get worse before it gets better, but that's okay.



Sometimes I wonder

What we might have been

Had you kept your life

But you were gone with the wind. <--- Weird! You brought up the metaphor again. So right now, it seems like now that the narrator is grounded and the other person has learned how to fly. And I'm not certain this is the image that you wanted to create, just because you're a little hesitant about it, but you can probably bring out this image, if you want to stress this, and it'll probably become better in the long run.



Do I regret us?

No, not I.

I just need <--- I would write "needed" but that that's me. I realize that tweaks your poem... right now, you're implying that you need to learn how to fly again, which is good. I like the other way because it indicates that you did fly and that now you're grounded (reality, the earth?) but it's your choice. However, keep in mind that this will change your poem.

To learn how to fly. <--- Ending = awesome.

And I said this because I know this one couple that married, even though the bride had a bad case of breast cancer. And I went to their wedding and it was one of the most awesome experiences ever. And it's amazing that there are people like that that would put death aside for love.

...and yeah. I am totally ranting now. But I do like your poem!


EDIT: I wouldn't worry about punctuation that much. Punctuation can create a certain emphasis on certain words, which is nice, but it is not required to use proper punctuation in poetry. Now if this were a story, I would bug you about it, but it's not! So ha.

break~my~heart wrote:I Used To Fly


The sky was my canvas
The color so blue
My wings were my brush
My inspiration was you.

Breathtaking. Simply breathtaking. I'm sure that they're many who can relate to this. I know I can.

Stanzas 2 and 3 are by far my favorite.

You have a gift, no doubt about that!

Also, wonderful rhyme scheme.

-PG

break~my~heart wrote:

(Hey there break~my~heart! A beautiful poem! I loved this! You asked for punctuation advice, and seeing that there's nothing else to change in this poem I'll throw in a few things where I would add... in the bolded parentheses.)

I Used To Fly

I used to fly
With my wings outstretched(; )
I'd soar so high
[s]For[/s] you were my catch.

The sky was my canvas(,)
The color so blue(; )
My wings were my brush(,)
My inspiration was you.

But then one day(,)
You gave up the fight
To something called cancer
And I lost my flight.

Sometimes I wonder
What we might have been
Had you kept your life
But you were gone with the wind.

Do I regret us?
No, not I.
I just need
To learn how to fly.

thanks for all the advice!! I will definitely edit it and post it again for you guys

That was beautiful. You have loads of talent. No kidding. *Gold Star*

Great poem!!! I really loved reading it!!!

As for the punctuation advice, I suggest that you type out your poem in story format and then add the punctuation as needed. Also that includes capitalization.


This poem has a little emotion, but you need more. Let me feel your tears. Describe how cancer afflicted his life and your life before. I also loved the way you made this poem a metaphor.

The fourth stanza was off. It seemed that the syllables were all wrong and the last line in the stanza was awkward. Perhaps saying "But you had vanished into thin air" or something of the sort.

The poem says that he died from cancer, but if you read the end, it also hints that he committed suicide. It confuses the reader.

All in all, pretty good poem, but you need emotion.. Please try adding heartfelt moments to the poem add tears and anger. Add senses, add smell, and add taste.

Loved reading it, and tell me when you edit it. I shall definitely review it once more

*Princess*

OK that was good and really sad which was good because you were telling us your feelings. But the flying and the cancer doesn't really come together. Next time try to do something that would make sense for the reader. Still not bad. Keep writing!

Pfftt. You don't need punctuation advice.

I used to fly
With my wings outstretched
I'd soar so high
For you were my catch.

The sky was my canvas
The color so blue
My wings were my brush
My inspiration was you.

But then one day
You gave up the fight
To something called cancer
And I lost my flight.

Sometimes I wonder
What we might have been
Had you kept your life
But you were gone with the wind.

Do I regret us?
No, not I.
I just need
To learn how to fly.