Short'N'Sweet

by bmat

Published March 5, 2010

In Lead and Ink

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Don’t speak around the gossip ones,
For they have enough to say.
We all want to be “someone”
In the future we just may.
The life of those we care about,
We grow to see each day.
Living and breathing give us hope,
And for the rest we just shall pray.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review Review · Mar 5, 2010

Hi there! I really liked this. As your title points out, this is short and sweet, which is one of my favorite types of poetry. Your flow and word choice hooked me from the beginning to end. You manage to tell a complete story in only a few lines, which is really good. Sometimes the shortest poems are the most powerful.

However, I think you could benefit from adding a bit of punctuation and changing the order/adding a few words. That would certainly help a few of the confusing spots. See below; corrections in red, comments in blue.

Don’t speak around the gossipy ones,
^
Added a y at the end of gossip so it becomes, "gossipy". I think that is what you originally meant, and besides, "gossip" on its own doesn't make sense in the context of the sentence.


We all want to be someone.
^
Added a period, and secondly, why are the quotation marks there? You don't need them.


The lives of those we care about,
^
Changed "life" so it matches with the plural, "those".


And for the rest, we just shall pray.


All in all, this was some pretty good work! PM me if you need anything.

-Elinor

Random avatar
fiction903
Review
fiction903 wrote a review Review · Mar 5, 2010

I love

Don’t speak around the gossip ones,
For they have enough to say.
We all want to be “someone”
In the future we just may.
There is so much truth within there lines. You did a great job with rhyming.
Keep writing and posting. Fiction



Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson