z

Young Writers Society



Bloody Raven

by bluishkillersama


I suddenly woke up. I was breathing raggedly. I was not even wondering why such a dream occurred to me. Why? Because I have been dreaming that dream over and over again. Being replayed into my mind when I started to sleep. Sometimes, I was even scared to go to sleep every night when I was still a child. Fortunately, my mother was always there for me. Hugging, supporting and loving me all through these years.

Then, my attention was caught by the gentle slam of the door of my room. It was my mother. So dazzling and handsome. And, she always wear those same type of clothes. Frilly, full of sash, bulky and pinkish, like a middle period princess. Her hair so long and blonde.

“What’s wrong, darling? You look troubled and pale. Is it because of that dream again?” she softly inquired.

I nodded in response. By the way, when you want to ask me about my father, I can only answer you with ‘I don’t know’. My mother said he died due to an accident, even before I turned six and he’s twelve years dead by now. I couldn’t even remember him, not even a single glimpse of him from any of his memoirs. My mother said she had kept it for it let her remember the hurt she experienced.

“You shouldn’t remember too much, honey.” Even though it was light and soft, I had heard it. What does my mother meant by: not remembering too much? Is there something within that dream of mine? And why does my mother shiver when she just hugged me?

“Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, dear, of course,” while still hugging me.

“Why am I not allowed to go outside the mansion?”

I heard a low gasp from my mother and freed me from her grasp.

“Why did you suddenly want to ask that, Verna?”

“It’s because I truly wanted to see what’s outside this place.”

“That’s something I could not afford to do, darling.”

“But why, Mom?!” I almost yelled out the question.

“It’s enough, Verna!”—her voice so strong and demanding—“No matter what you do or say to make me agree with what you want I would still refuse! The outside world is a dangerous place and I couldn’t afford to lose you. Ask for anything but not about the outside world, Verna.” That was all and she disappeared from my room.

The wall was cold within my palms. I was looking unto blank space and walking endlessly. The sun’s rays couldn’t even reach me; I couldn’t even see a thing beneath those thick tapestries which covers anything. It was as if I’m a sick woman being quarantined in this world. For the past eighteen years, since I regained consciousness of what’s behind these thick walls and large windows. I inquired my mother if I could just take a glimpse of the exterior of our house. However, I was always rejected repeatedly, and I had no choice but to follow. Likewise, I loved my mother and owe everything to her. Nevertheless, everything’s changed when I heard that certain conversation of my mother to our butler a few minutes ago.

“She’s beginning to remember,” I heard from afar. I’m going to my mother’s room to demand her for reasons why I shouldn’t go outside. Her voice leaked out for the door’s slightly opened and even though I knew that eavesdropping is bad, I still bothered to listen from the other side of the door.

“What do you mean by that, my lady?” our butler asked.

“That damn Verna!” I softly gasped. “She want to go outside this house and that’s something I could not let her do! Then those dreams of hers about a shadow holding something and about her body filled with blood! I’m gonna get crazy with that woman!”

“Why wouldn’t you just eliminate her?” the butler suggested.

Eliminate? Eliminate who? Me? No way! What would mother gain from me?

“Three years more, Ravie, I’m gonna send her off with ‘that woman’ and they’ll be together, forever!” then her mother laughed. A sarcastic one.

I immediately ran away from the door. I don’t want to hear anything anymore. I just want to let myself be occupied with something. But, I felt hurt deep inside me. Like, I’m being struck by a knife. And, I didn’t want those dialogues to tear down my love for my mother.


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Sun Apr 10, 2022 7:18 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

I thought I would continue, so here I am. Wow, this was really a great read. I really liked knowing all the tragic incidents Verna had in her life in the past. In the previous story, it felt a bit vague and all but now it seems to be a lot clearer. Her life is indeed a story worth telling to people.

We had a deep mystery there. From what it seems to me, this woman might not be Verna’s mother at all. Maybe the person she referred to as “that woman” is Verna’s real mother and this woman wants to keep Verna away from her real mother. But I don’t understand the thing. If I am not much mistaken, Verna’s mother is actually dead and this woman is planning to kill her after 3 years. I have no idea about these 3 years and what is their profit of keeping Verna for all these years. Also, I am 2% sure about it but this butler... The way this butler and this woman talked... It gave me a vibe that they can be couples. I have no idea though.

And now comes the dream. Oh. My. God. She is seeing the dream from her very childhood?! That was really an unexpected thing. I thought maybe she was seeing it for sometime but not for that long. I do wonder why she doesn't let Verna go out. I guess she fears the revelation of all her crimes and maybe Verna will get to know her true identity. These are all my guesses though.

Finally, I couldn't understand the use of italics in the end. Maybe you wanted to show that she was thinking and recalling the whole incident. I think ut's better to show the reader directly what happened than to show them by her thoughts. Moreover, the way you described ... It seemed like we were seeing it in reality. Overall, this was a very mysterious story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Points: 1355
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Tue Mar 27, 2012 12:35 am
ahhhsmusch says...



My comments will be between double parenthesis

I suddenly woke up. I was breathing raggedly. I was not even wondering why such a dream occurred to me. Why? Because I have been dreaming that dream over and over again. Being replayed into my mind when I started to sleep((this sentence is awkward). Sometimes, I was even scared to go to sleep every night when I was still a child. Fortunately, my mother was always there for me. Hugging, supporting and loving me all through these years.

Then, my attention was caught by the gentle slam of the door of my room (gentle and slam seem contradictory, gentle click of the door?). It was my mother. So dazzling and handsome. And, she always wear those same type of clothes. Frilly, full of sash, bulky and pinkish, like a middle period princess. Her hair so long and blonde.

“What’s wrong, darling? You look troubled and pale. Is it because of that dream again((I would cut out 'again' by saying'dream' we know that she knows that her daughter has frequent dreams already))?” she softly inquired.

I nodded in response. By the way, when you want to ask me about my father, I can only answer you with ‘I don’t know’. My mother said he died due to an accident, even before I turned six and he’s twelve years dead by now. I couldn’t even remember him, not even a single glimpse of him from any of his memoirs. My mother said she had kept it for it let her remember the hurt she experienced. ((this paragraph seems random. Its important for the character but its placing is awkward, it creates a tangent to the story))

“You shouldn’t remember too much, honey.” Even though it was light and soft, I had heard it. What does my mother meant((mean)) by: not remembering too much? Is there something within that dream of mine? And why does my mother shiver when she just hugged me?
((You shouldn't remember too much, honey seems like a very vague, awkward way for the mother to tell her daughter to try and forget what she dreams about))

“Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, dear, of course,” while still hugging me.

“Why am I not allowed to go outside the mansion?”

I heard a low gasp from my mother and freed me from her grasp.

“Why did you suddenly want to ask that, Verna?”

“It’s because I truly wanted to see what’s outside this place.”

“That’s something I could not afford to do, darling.”

“But why, Mom?!” I almost yelled out the question. ((almost detracts the emotion from this sentence. Without 'almost' you don't hide away from what you are saying. Just say yell. Also, if she isn't yelling there shouldn't be an exclamation mark))

“It’s enough, Verna!”—her voice so strong and demanding—“No matter what you do or say to make me agree with what you want I would ((I think "will' sounds better)) still refuse! The outside world is a dangerous place and I couldn’t afford to lose you. Ask for anything but not about the outside world, Verna.” That was all and she disappeared from my room.


The wall was cold within my palms. I was looking unto blank space and walking endlessly. The sun’s rays couldn’t even reach me; I couldn’t even see a thing beneath those thick tapestries which covers anything. It was as if I’m a sick woman being quarantined in this world. For the past eighteen years, since I regained consciousness of what’s behind these thick walls and large windows((use a comma right here) I inquired my mother if I could just take a glimpse of the exterior of our house. However, I was always rejected repeatedly, and I had no choice but to follow. Likewise, I loved my mother and owe everything to her. Nevertheless, everything’s changed when I heard that certain conversation of my mother to our butler a few minutes ago.

((I like that you include the daughter's love for her mother. You can do a lot with this. Obviously, them other doesn't deserve the daughter's love, so the daughter is very much deceived. She trusts her mother when she has no real reason to trust. That is quite a conflict to explore))


“She’s beginning to remember,” I heard from afar. I’m going to my mother’s room to demand her for reasons why I shouldn’t go outside. Her voice leaked out for the door’s slightly opened and even though I knew that eavesdropping is bad, I still bothered to listen from the other side of the door.

“What do you mean by that, my lady?” our butler asked.

“That damn Verna!” I softly gasped. “She want to go outside this house and that’s something I could not let her do! Then those dreams of hers about a shadow holding something and about her body filled with blood! I’m gonna get crazy with that woman!” ((the dialogue her seems inconsistent. The mother's vocabulary doesn't sound like that of a mansion owner, especially the 'get crazy' part. Also, why is the mother yelling?))

“Why wouldn’t you just eliminate her?” the butler suggested. ((eliminate is a very strange word to use. It sounds too "science fiction-ee))

Eliminate? Eliminate who? Me? No way! What would mother gain from me?

“Three years more, Ravie, I’m gonna send her off with ‘that woman’ and they’ll be together, forever!” then her mother laughed. A sarcastic one.

I immediately ran away from the door. I don’t want to hear anything anymore. I just want to let myself be occupied with something. But, I felt hurt deep inside me ((this sounds very awkward)). Like, I’m being struck by a knife. And, I didn’t want those dialogues to tear down my love for my mother.

((this last part is trying to say something about the daughter's love for her mother, but it sounds very awkward. I suggest reading it outloud))

Anyway, good story. Keep it up





To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
— Allen Ginsberg