Young Writers Society

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

Oh this was a very creepy piece here. I too often have this fear of something unknown, of something which is not present, which I know is not going to do something to me. So, this was a bit relatable. I wouldn’t say completely relatable though. Anyway, into the review now.

So from what I understood, it stands like this: The narrator saw a nightmare yesterday and since then they are quite farid that something/someone is on their way to hurt her and hurt her children too. To be honest, I really wanted a glipse of that dream. It can actually help us to understand the work a lot better and comprehend the fear of the person a bit better.

When you are narrating from first person narrative, it’s not the wisest thing to keep a lot of secrets from the readers. It wouldn’t set a good example of the narrator there. Maybe if you don’t want to provide the whole dream, you could give bits of infos and then just write that she was not being able to think more because of her panic. That wouldn’t be a bad thing to do.

Next we come to the actual plot of the play. You managed to create a good mystery and a feeling of horror when you said that one of the children wanted to hear horror stories. The genre of the stories the chilfren wanted to hear actually helped in the plot a lot. Though she didn’t tell the story to her, we can understand what her life has been. I mean romance+horror. It sounds like a very intriguing thing. Good job on providing us with information without mentioning them directly! Seems like the person was a real one. The rain, lightning- everything creates a perfect atmosphere for a horror story. And then the person came in and if I am not much mistaken, the person went ahead and murdered all three of them. I liked the open ending though!

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

(((All my comments look like this)))

It was as if all that happened was yesterday. A nightmare. A dream. The truth. (((The truth? But you were just describing it as something barely tangible and dreamlike?))) The real and the blood that lingers within me. Those are the facts I couldn’t deny about myself. Me, Verna Price, a married and successful woman having two naughty-natured kids that exactly looked alike.

“Mom! Mom!” and so here they come. Calling me as if I’m gone. But, I would never be. I will never be scared of what’s coming. I would never return to the past me. (((I'm noticing that you keep switching between past and present tense. It's throwing me off a little)))

“Mom! Please tell us a bed-time story!” Cairo shouted.

“Yes! Yes! A romantic one!” Calix yelled after her elder twin brother.

“No! I hate romantic stories!”

“But I love them!”

“But I—”

“Okay, stop. Why wouldn’t you just read your books and go to bed?” I said in mid-sentence.

“We don’t want them anymore!” they both screamed.

“Fine, come here.” Then I pat one side of the bed. Besides, my husband, Alex Price will be home late today from work.

“Is it a romantic one?” Calix asked.

“Or a horror story?” Cairo inquired. (((I like the kids.)))

I sighed. Old habits truly die hard. Calix is younger, by minutes, from her elder twin brother, Cairo. Both are exactly the same opposites from one another. (((Exactly the same opposites? Another contradiction.))) Well, couldn’t blame them for one is a boy and the other is a girl.

“Both,” I answered.

My children’s eyes sparkled. A moment of silence and anticipation. Their attention was fully unto me.

“Here we go then. This is a story of a young girl named Verna…”

“Verna? Also like mom?” the younger one asked.

“Yes,” because the story I’m about to tell is my story. The story of my life. My fears and my doubts.



It was dark and there was blood everywhere. In my hands, my face, my eyes and my home. I was quivering but I’m certain it was not due to the cold breeze of the wind coming from the ajar window, but it was because I’m nervous. Nervous of what, I truly don’t know. (((Wonderful opening. You set up the scene nicely. However, you're switching around with tenses again.))) I’m numb all over, couldn’t even feel a single thing. Then I saw this shadow, it was hovering over a body while holding something on his hand. Something shiny and pointed but still the moon’s light was not enough for me to see what it was but what I know is that I’m crying. (((A bit of mouthful, that last sentence, but good visuals. It could be pretty sweet if you divided it into several sentences.))) Crying silently. Cold sweat running through me. I’m holding my mouth to keep myself from whimpering. Luckily, the rain helped so that nobody can hear me, it maybe just second when a lightning struck and I cried softly and it’s too late for me to notice that that shadow was walking towards me fast while the thing he’s handling was filled with blood. (((Okay, last sentence was really confusing. She's crying, and there's lightening and he's holding blood?)))

I like where you're going with this piece, but it needs some major editing.

it was different, i changed it already...

my apologies again...

i'm so sorry...
i doubled it....

this and the first bloody raven is just the same...
my apologies...

still adjusting....