Am I someone for you?
No? Yes? Maybe?
But remember that I'll always though you as my...
Precious Gem.
You are a one rare Gem among the others,
You did not shone like others,
BUT...
You shine when I am in darkness.
The moment you came to me,
Seeking for help like a baby,
I was so happy, But instead,
I scolded you.
I am sorry for not being...
A truthful friend for you,
But beside me, there's always,
ROOM only for you.
Sincerely Me to You
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay. Review time.
I'm sure you've gotten this a million times, but GRAMMAR.
If anything's a reading turn-off for me, it's bad grammar. It distracts from the point you're trying to get across and all I can seem to focus on are the amount of errors. I had to reread this a few times to understand it properly.
Grammar aside, I really do like the idea behind this.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the narrator always has this person to lean on when they're in need, and they're really appreciative of that. But when the person comes to the narrator for help, the narrator isn't sure how to help them and sort of dismisses their problem as nothing. The narrator realizes that they've done wrong in this, and even though the person probably doesn't trust them as much anymore, the narrator doesn't change his/her feelings about their "gem".
Keep writing. And improve on the grammar!
I am in love with this.This is so amazing,I wouldnt change anything.
hey. thanks,but i know it need some fixing here and there. i re-read it and found a lot of error myself xD
Hi
Spark here to review.
First off, your grammar is all over the place. Literally. And I'm not going to fix it for you, because you need to learn how to do it on your own. So re-read it with a fine tooth comb and figure out what your mistakes are. They're obvious, to me, at least, so you shouldn't have too much trouble.
I'm going to comment on content instead.
You've got a good base here. The metaphor of comparing someone to a gem is unique enough to where if it was done well, you'd have a really solid, strong poem here. You could talk about the sparkle of their eyes comparing to sapphires, and the way their heart is like a ruby. (Actually these are awful metaphors, but you get the picture.) Instead, what you're doing using just one word to describe the person. Gem.
Maybe once would be okay, but more than once gets really repetitive. I want more rich words to describe this person. I want a picture to be painted for me of what this person is like, in looks and personality.
Up until the third stanza, you make us think that the person is saving the narrator. But then you switch completely, and make it the other way around, and not only that, but the narrator rejects them by scolding them? We'd built a relationship with the narrator, reading this poem, and you just completely destroyed it making them look heartless. You compared the other person to a baby, and then the narrator scolds the said baby? I felt angry, because the narrator seemed to hurt a innocent helpless creature.
This poem ends with no closure. You suddenly jump to an apology, but I'm not even sure what the narrator is apologizing for. Was it because she scolded the baby? Or was there something else? And then, we suddenly are told that the narrator only wants the other person by their side, even though a stanza before they just pushed them away. It's confusing, and that means there's no meaning. I have no idea what this poem was about, so I can't take anything from it. It's merely there, sitting with bad grammar and a really cool metaphor you didn't take advantage of.
It's not all bad though, dear, so don't worry. The gem metaphor is a great one. Scrape the whole thing away, and leave yourself just with the lines that mention gems. Start over, pulling and stretching that one metaphor and doing away with the babies and scolding. Then come back and look at it. Your image will be clearer, and your message will be stronger, I promise.
Anyway, see ya around.
Spark
Hi dear, have a good day. A short review for your wonderful piece of poem. Well, I like the concept here. A poem filled with feelings expressed in each stanzas. It is clear and easy to understand. The reader is not driven to deepen the content message behind the poem. It makes the poem seem more personal.
'someone for you?' it's better if you make it clearly here.
Shine instead if shone.
Shine instead of shines(be used for 3rd person present)
Nice simile, but it seems a bit odd.
Can you tell more, why you scolding him/her?
Overall, like what I said, this is a very nice poem to read. Just a bit improvement on grammar and play a bit with figurative language, you will surely have a great poem soon! Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers.
Thanks. I did this out of blue and just post it in here. Anyways,thanks for the useful review.
This poem was really good, but the grammar wasn't that good.
In the first line:' I'll always *though* you as my...' This should have been 'know' or 'think of you'
'You did not *shone* like others,' 'You *shines* when I am in darkness.' These should have both been 'shine'
'A truthful friend *for* you,' this should have been 'to you'.
Other than that, the idea was really nice, and I like how you put it.
Thanks. Yeah! My grammar sucks but I will try to polish it up. Btw, thanks again for the review.
Any time, and I'm pleased I didn't offend you