Published July 24, 2010
She lurks in sugar-glazed windows,
Scampers through plastic gardens and
Peeks behind pink scalloped walls.
In the mirror, a face that is not a face -
Bruises of rouge, black-eyed mascara, blush smothering her pores.
Needles rip her lips into anemic smile.
Passionflower perfume, raspberry liqueur and,
Ubiquitous, the stale scent of blood -
Effluvia of a spoiled girlhood.
Plush prison constructed of her mind
Overseen by bubblegum-winged angels,
Incubator of wasted dreams.
Now nailed to the dollhouse wall,
Eyes pried open, thimble-heart trembling,
The scald of a clean light:
Perfect specimen of a girl dismantled.
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,703 Reviews
Hiya. First off, you wrote this really well. The flow is good and your descritptions are nicee. I like what it stands for. But alas...I have nothing really to say. Most everyone has already pointed out trouble spots. But keep writing!
~ladypurple.
Hey blackbird!
Nice poem, overall! I liked the way that you drew this up. The one thing that I think might make this better is if you went more in her mind. What you did mainly was focus on the transition (little girl --> woman) and then you talk about her appearance... but you only briefly gloss over her mind. I think you can go a little deeper here.
Also... I don't like the last line. It seems too repetitious. I want something more fresh.
this was very good.
very good indeed.
Hey blackbird,
Glad to read more poetry of yours, I think you have real potential.
I have to agree with June that the stanza about looking in the mirror was a bit obvious and familiar. Black-eyed and mascara are never seen without each other. The stanza after with effluvia and passionpower perfume was a bit devoid of purpose. If anything, and I hesitate to say this because I know I'm always saying the opposite, you've almost tried too hard to come up with interesting images, but they're empty. They have little purpose and just sort of hang there in your poem, looking kinda pretty, but they're going nowhere, like the popular girls at school that you meet ten years later selling doughnuts and looking fat.
I just don't think this was a perfect specimen of a girl dismantled, I'm not even sure we got under her skin enough. Physical descriptions are just simply not all that, and I wanted to understand her mind more than I got the chance to.
Good luck in the future! I'll follow you so I know when you post again.
Hey there. I really enjoyed this, you've got some great imagery and there's some awesome lines. I've not got many suggestions in all honesty but here you go:
I think an 'and' at the beginning of that last line wouldn't be misplaced. And I'm not sure about peeking behind the walls though. The other lines seem to suggest that she's the other side of something and hiding or trying to escape but peeking is more active. It seems to say she's searching for something/ someone. Seeking it out. I'm not sure that it fits with the earlier images, though it does work in the poem in general. Maybe I'm just trying to read too much into this? So not really a suggestion, just a comment.
Hmmm. Maybe make smile plural? It sounds a little fragmented and that might help smoothen it out just a little without changing what you want to say or spoiling the flow. Also I'd like to see you explain how the face is not a face more. I presume you're suggesting that she's not really there, not really alert and it's all fake on the outside because she's broken within but I'd like to see an expansion on that so it's firmer.
Love the alliteration of passionflower perfume. It has an awesome sound to it! I also like the rhyme in this stanza and the flow is spot on, it's lovely.
I think you should aim for more clarity and less fragmentation! This could be made to flow more easily with just a few simple changes. Like:
In a plush prison constructed of her mind,
overseen by angels with bubblegum wings;
an incubator of wasted dreams.
Then you have the half rhyme of wings and dream and it's more lilting, softer. An almost dreamlike feeling to reflect the words ^^
I'm not sure why but I keep wanting to read it as dismantled girl instead. Weird huh? Other than that, no criticism for this stanza.
Overall, a very good poem. I hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
Hi, Blackbird, June here,
brought a rather cliche air to the poem, and I don't think that it's working out, because the symbolism here is very much overused, especially the black-eye mascara one. I think that this stanza takes away a lot more than it should be able to from this poem, and I think you should either rework it or take it away.On first read, I thought that this was a bit a bit of an overused theme to follow, but I think this has more than you have to it here in terms of potential. I especially thought that this stanza
Away from that, I think that in the rest of the stanzas you manage to create and maintain a good amount of interest, although a lot is taken from it by using overused images and metaphors, such as the exposed trembling heart you mention later on -- little things such as this make your poem seem a generic effort, and I can tell, just by reading this, that you have so much more potential than you're using here, dear.
I really feel that should you tweak a few parts of this, this poem would be a much stronger read all together, especially if you stay away from commonly used images to describe.
Well done; one of the more decent poems I've read this morning,
June
Well Upon reading it , I could actually understand the poem.
It is a good poem, and a good example of a non-rhyming poem.
I like your descriptions. XD
However, I couldn't quite get it. Haha. Sorry, I'm dumb when it comes to poems.
But good writing! Woot!
Keep it up!
-KAT <3
Hey blackbird12!
I don't know if I really liked this. It was written well but it was all over the place. You describe so much about the girl that it doesn't really talk about anything else. I really didn't enjoy the first paragraph:
What or who's doing all this? Be more specific. In summary, I didn't like this at all because it was all over the place and just had descriptions and ended all of a sudden.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Hi Blackbird12! This poem is beautiful, and about such a unique topic! It took me until the fifth stanza to understand what the poem was about, though, so I had to go through and reread to whole thing to picture it perfectly. If this is not the effect you wanted (which it may very well be), perhaps you could mention the word "dollhouse" in the first stanza.
Now that I understand what you are describing, I realize that this is brilliant!
Shouldn't it be "an" anemic smile? I really don't know, because sometimes, in poetry, the writers perfer a lack of articles.
"Spoilt" is the past participle of "spoil." "Spoiled" is the past tense of "spoil." Ex.
My illness spoiled my plans of going to the movies.
My illness had spoilt my plans of going to the movies.
So, in your context, "spoilt" should be "spoiled."
You must note, however, that in some regions, "spoilt" and "spoiled" are one in the same. If you are looking for this poem to be published, do a little research as to the location of your publisher and see which conjugation of the verb is prevalent in that area.
As with the first stanza, this one is absolutely beautiful. However, you don't need a comma after "plus prison constructed of her mind."
I love the eerie shadow this poem casts -- but I don't really get it. Is the girl being dismantled a doll, or a real girl living in a metaphorical dollhouse world? Or, does she exist both in the girl dismantling the doll and the doll being dismantled? Other than this little misunderstanding, excellent job!
This was so good, I don't know what to say. It just flows really well, and I think the poems that don't rhyme are always better for descriptions like this one.
Keep up the good work!
Smashles