Right or left, I can choose
Out-stretched hands are flocking
To grab my little fingers
To prevent the water blocking
But drowning helps me breathe
Giving color to my leaves
Rushing streams flow so smooth
Pounding, beating heart
Home to lost and forgotten
Erosion making rocks art
But drowning is scary
My branches grow wary
Waves thrash back and forth
Hear my every worry
The people, they call for help
Begging them to hurry
But drowning is how I see
Without mankind carving me
They're searching for my face
But I'm already gone
Could've been right or left
I don't know which is wrong
But drowning lets me fly
So here I am, arms to the sky
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, I quite like a few rhythmic effects that you have given in the poem. It feel more comfortable and fun to read, thus further enhances your poem. I am impressed with the symbol that you specify on the life and difficult choices with the water and drowning. But you are suddenly pop up the leaves, what connection that can be made with the water and leaves? Could it be represents the plant (you) with the water (life)?
I like the element of contradiction here. Between drowning and breathable, it looks makes sense from different views. But honestly, it doesn't work here;
I like the implied meanings in the poem, but you write it with quite long until it makes your poem repeated to submit the same ideas. You can actually make it short, but still convey the same messages, convincing, and more interesting to read
Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers.
Hey Becca! Pompadour here for a review!
So what I have to say is this:
First off, I like the idea! It's twisted, and it's... different. I mean, how the person chooses to accept his/her fate in the end, it just... it feels right in a weird way. Because the way you say: "But drowning lets me fly" makes us feel like you actually WANTED this to happen. Hey, I'm not saying anything against it. I'm just telling you how I perceived it. And I think it's cool and creepy. So have a thumbs-up here!
Then there's the fact that I think punctuation would really add a bit of a flow to your poem. It seems jagged, choppy in some places, and adding a few commas here and there never hurts anyone. I notice you don't have a particular rhyming scheme, but I won't criticize that because I'm no fan of "schemes" myself, and it's be hypocritical to tell you the same thing I've been told so many times! But I just told you, didn't I?
Er, never mind then.
But the point I'm trying to make is that your rhyming seems a teeny bit forced in some places. It just doesn't fit in with everything else and adds this plastic effect to the poem. Like here:
"Pounding, beating heart
Home to lost and forgotten
Erosion making rocks art"
Like I said before, punctuation would really make it read better. Also, it's sorta unclear by what you mean by simply saying "Pounding, beating heart." I think this could be better as "My pounding, beating heart/ Is a home to lost and forgotten/ Erosion making rocks' art." The "art" seems plastic. I'd suggest you re-read this and then re-structure it, maybe replace a few words here and there.
Overall, I really liked it! You WANTED to drown, you made it sound like it wasn't a tragedy, like it wasn't something you'd want to escape from. You made it sound like it happened by chance and you totally embraced it. So keep it up! And keep writing!
Cheers,
Pompadour.