The wind blew by
Yet not in my mind
Still, the grass would stay
There was no wind that day
People smiled in the street
People I would never meet
Asking to breathe my air
I hardly noticed air was there
Slowly getting to my car
Knowing this drive would be far
Staring at nothing but the road
It blurred together ‘til I slowed
I floated as a ghost
To where I longed for most
My heart tapped the door fast
Here I was, here at last
From the hospital bed
Peeked her bloodied head
A smile spread across her lips
Wincing once each stitch rips
A nurse tried to push me out
So she could fix her eyes and mouth
My girl’s voice screamed, “I love that man!”
I looked at her thinking, I’m glad she still can
While she slept, I held her hand
Watching her chest collapse and expand
Through the darkness, I saw the light
I fell in love with that girl that night
Driving home the next day
The grass started to sway
The wind blew, birds sang
That’s how my life beganPoints:
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Helllloooooo. Leo here to review....
First of all, nice imageries....i specially love this line
"While she slept, I held her hand
Watching her chest collapse and expand"
It creates a beautiful picture in my mind...even the scene creates a mood of silence...serene...
Second, I would like you to have a look at these lines, the first three lines of yours...
"The wind blew by
Yet not in my mind
Still, the grass would stay"
I think you should use a word which will be more appropriate in the first line, like "the wind whistled by" and the grass would "sway" not stay...(was that intentional???)
The ending is very good and direct...it has a connection with the starting of your poem...that's what i liked about it...
"Driving home the next day
The grass started to sway
The wind blew, birds sang
That’s how my life began"
Nice job...I like the way how you portray the mirth of nature, as if they are happy for you!!! Their is motion in these lines after a serene silence in the hospital...Good flow of the mood of the poem....
Love it!! Thank You:-)
Ah, you have done the same thing with your poem as you did with the other one. What is with these chasms?
With your title I highly suggest something more original. The title is cliched and can put readers off when your poem could be marvelous within itself.
Again, punctuation at the end of lines. I am going to go over it again like in the last poem.
Before I do i would like to say you have some very nice lines in here, However you also have some very awkward sounding lines.
I think this first paragraph is the most awkward out of all of them. The phrasing is really weird. "yet not in my mind" and followed up by "there was no wind that day" first you are saying there is then you are saying there isnt. Also what has grass got to do with anything in the entire rest of the poem. This entire stanza seems sort of unessersary.
I like the first two lines of this stanza. The last line "I hardly noticed air was there" is a bit off, I think that "Air I never noticed was there" or "air I hardly noticed there" would be better.
This one is quite good, it gives the impression of absent mindedness of the mundane, how normality will always be normal, which emphasis something unexpected happening.
The sudden change from the car ride to the ghost is effective. To be honest i think you could do a better job at the fast and last rhyme. Try finding a different word, the line with fast the end feels forced.
I really like this stanza, the imagery is sad and pretty at the same time.
"I'm glad she still can" why cant she?
Overall I am not entirely sure if the guy is alive or dead. At first i think hes dead and only she can see him but then it shows he is alive. But good job anyway, I like it.
Hey! I just want to say thanks for the reviews, I appreciate them. Also, I don't know if you meant your questions to be rhetorical, but I feel the need to answer some in case other readers wondered the same thing. The guy in this story is not dead, but I wanted to give the impression that a part of him "died" when this girl he loves got in an accident. Also, the grass and wind were just in there from the guy's perspective, again, to show how out of it he was. In reality, when wind moves grass sways. Though when you're in shock, the grass seems still and you don't feel the wind. Sorry if that confused you. I really like your suggestions though, thanks!
This was a beautiful poem. It flowed really well and touched my heart greatly.
I love how you had true inspiration to base your poem on. Real experiences are always helpful. It also wasn't too mind boggling and draining to read; it was simply perfect and satisfying to the heart.
Keep up the writing buddy
I really enjoyed this poem. There must be a lot of context behind this poem to induce you to write such a beautiful yet haunting piece. Though there doesn't seem to be any metre I like the rhyme scheme. Some of the couplets are sensational and you have a superb ear for sounds and rhythms. You appear to know what that rag-bag of mixed feelings love is and, though a little dark, you have pulled off a nice little poem here. Well done!
Hey, once again thanks for the review!
The formatting on this is a little weird, but really no one on her can control the formatting, and no one has ever really tried, so that's okay in the end.
I love your rhyme scheme, and it's nice to see one for once. (Not that I'm criticizing my fellow authors, I'm just saying so few of us choose to rhyme in our works.)
You didn't keep the same rhyme scheme throughout, you alternated it, and it works really well for the poem. You did not, however keep the scheme in the first and last lines, not entirely anyway. I'm not exactly calling you out on it, since I like the poem the way it is, but I would also like to see the entire work matching with the scheme.
And I'm afraid that I don't entirely understand the first two lines:
The wind blew by
Yet not in my mind
Or at least the second line. What are you trying to say here?
And last but not least, my favorite two lines were:
Through the darkness, I saw the light
I fell in love with that girl that night
Overall, this is really good. With a little tweaking it could become better, but ultimately that is your call and if you like/love it the way it is, then don't change anything. The thing I put in my reviews are suggestions and you don't have to take them.
Happy Writing!
HT
Thank you! The formatting was this thing's fault, I had it in four line stanzas :/ The second line was supposed to express the narrator's emptiness before they were reunited with their love. The wind was blowing, but he didn't even acknowledge it because he was so ridden with grief. Thanks for the help!