Young Writers Society

I absolutely love this poem

Your rhyming is perfect which is quite rare as usually there is something a 'little off'. You are right that there is a common ground between dandelions and death. I really love your imagery, the loneliness of death and weeds, and how everything dies, including weeds which everyone can't seem to get rid of.

Overall I think that this is one of the best poems I have read on here so far, It's short, but paints a vivid picture of death.

Hey Becca,

I saw more stuff about content in the previous reviews, so my obvious inclination is to talk about the structure. The content's great, the imagery close to immaculate. However, if just one or two words were switched or changed in a couple places, the whole piece would flow together even better I think. I suppose you could say that I'm a "rhyme and rhythm" kind of poet. Your rhymes all matched up, and I appreciated that because a poem without rhyme is kind of like a cupcake without sprinkles. Sure it's good, but come on, who doesn't love sprinkles? Ok, time for less metaphors and more examples:

"Grains fall one by one"

This is great imagery, but I think if you added just a syllable or two, it would flow better. I may not have been reading it in the way you intended (if so, that could be my fault, or a punctuation problem). I think if you said something like "Grains fall slowly one by one" it leads more cleanly into "Once together, they will run." When it comes to meter, not all the lines have to be the same, but they do have to match up in my opinion. Next up...

"And paints pictures in a hush"

If I hesitate between "and" and "paints" and on "pic" in pictures, this line works just fine. the problem with audiences is that they don't all read the same, though, which is why words sometimes need to be added or removed to kind of force the reader into following YOUR intended rhythm. This is your poem, your rules, ya know? so something like "while painting pictures in a hush." It's a similar message, and again it matches up just slightly better. Have you noticed I'm a nitpicker yet? Anyway, it's your decision. The last line is coincidentally the last line:

"Scatter skies as a dead dandelion does"

This one's tricky, cause dandelion is a lot of syllables, but you have to pack a lot of meaning in the last line, and that word hogs a lot of your space. My only comment is that the last line is kind of wordy because of that. I'm not sure what to do with it, and I wouldn't feign to think I know what to do, because it's not my message I'm trying to send.

Great job on your poem. It was short, rhymed, and made sense, three of my biggest requirements in poetry. Keep writing!

Nick

Hey, HT here to review.

I agree largely with what kayfornight is saying, this is in fact a very good work, and your vocabulary is clearly extensive.

The plot/topic (whichever or whatever you call it) is very clear and well thought out, it just lacks a little depth.

My honest opinion is to not change anything that you currently have, but to add on to it. It's good, it just feels like it needs a little something more to make it great. Truth be told, I hate short poems. They always leave me wanting more, and this one does especially.

This is of course, entirely up to you to decide and if you choose not to add on and leave it the way that it is, that's fine. Looking at it now, I see a work that is really good. This was just a suggestion in my opinion on how I think that you can make it better than really good, great even.

Well, Happy Writing!
HT

Hello, I'm Kay, and I'm here to review your work:)

I love your description. You obviously have a great vocabulary and you don't hesitate to use it; my favorite lines are the very last two because you can picture ashes scattering like the seeds from a dandelion.

However, in my opinion the beginning and middle of the poem are a little more...empty. For example, the line about how the ashes were tired of being found...well, what does that actually mean? It seems like a couple lines of your poem were only written to make the poem rhyme, and they take away from the depth of the poem. That's what I mean when I say it seems empty. What I would suggest is that you take out the lines that don't mean much and expand on the lines that have more meaning. Don't worry if it rhymes or not; that isn't what makes a poem.