The Seminary Slump

“I’m going to seminary next year,” was probably the first time anyone had uttered the plan of such theological pursuits in my public magnet high school. How a good little yeshiva girl ended up there is a whole other story for a different memoir altogether. Those five words, the liberating mantra that helped me cope with the shortcomings senior year had to offer finally came into fruition. Here I am now at seminary in Israel. It is only a few months later and my sanity is hanging by a tzitzit fringe.

I’m on the brink of my sixth week at ‘sem’ as it is affectionately known and I can’t help but think that I made the wrong decision to come to this particular school. The learning is not up to par with the level I know I am capable of and where I would ideally like to be; the intellectually curious part of me is not satiated. While the atmosphere is warm and friendly on the surface, little lies underneath. I am loosing myself by hiding under the sewage of mediocrity. I am a city girl stuck in the suburbs, a most uncomfortable switch. I so want to be Israeli right now and am bobbing in an out of an American sea gasping for some Mediterranean air. If you haven’t noticed I hate bubbles. I’m a big girl who has been through more than an 18 year old should—so please treat me like one.

I am 6,000 miles away from everyone I know and love. My relationships have been severed by the inconvenience of transcontinental communication and distance. For the first time in my entire life I am finding myself missing my family.

I’m pulling out my proverbial payos agonizing over the fact that I worked so hard to get to a place with little redeeming qualities. Why was I given Leah when I wanted Rachel? Did I do this to myself? Perhaps I didn’t do enough calculations as to what I was actually hoping to glean from this experience. Maybe I didn’t have an accurate assessment of the place I was going to. Perchance I was even blinded from the real growth opportunity because I was afraid of the challenges it would present. Sweat leads to growth. Then again, I’m not a coward.

I anxiously mull over my next move. Shall I stay or shall I go? Can I find a better school? Will they accept me? Will my scholarships be transferred over? Too many uncertainties determine where my next few months will be spent. They don’t however determine how I choose to spend the time wherever I end up. I will put in my effort; the rest is in G-d’s hands.