I stared at the reflection that stared right back at me.
"Why do I feel so empty?" I asked.
"You're not perfect," she said.
"How can i fix it?"
"You fill the empty space," she replied, "Take what no one would give."
"It's Hard," I confessed, "Hearts are given In the name of love, bodies are offered for the sake of pleasure. What more can be precious to a human being?"
"Their dreams," she smiled, " It's what keeps them sane, you take that and you win."
I took a step forward and turned the lights off.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Why have you capitalized 'H' in 'Hard' rather than in 'hearts'?
Hello there. I will try to give a fair review.
The first line is simple but effective. It makes so much sense and it somewhat forces the reader to imagine all that is going on. The next 3 lines are easily understood. Nothing to say about them. Common narration. Then a line comes which not only confuses the narrator but also the reader (or vice a versa). The fifth line is a bang. Though I believe 'h' in hearts should be capitalize and not in love, except if you wanted to stress on it. But this line is a little too long. But it still fits. Amazing!!!! From the seventh line the poem takes a dark turn. I like it in a poem. But then there is the ending which tells us that you are not a person who will harm others. It also showed that the reflection meant to be the complete opposite one. I liked the last line. You have indirectly told that you disagreed with your reflection (or am I wrong?). I personally didn't like the title of the poem though. Overall, it's a nice poem. Keep up the good work!!!!!
Thank you so much for your review.
I edited the 'h' in hearts,thank you for pointing that out.
For the ending,you are definitely right,I turned the lights off to shut the voice,but the readers can choose their own ending,some would disagree with the evil side of their personality, and some would shut the lights to get to work.
Thank you again for your support.
Yeah, you are so right. Welcome. It is a very good poem.
hey beautifulish, fox here to review. also, welcome to yws!
(disclaimer: i'm in my poetry class rn and there's this kid that's rapping horribly, so if i seem distracted that's why)
i really liked the concept for this. someone that steals dreams. that's wicked cool. like really. it's just a cool thing to think about.
however, there's some things i think you could improve on.
so. this piece seems more like a proseish piece to me, but since you labeled it as poetry i will read it as such. as it is poetry i feel like you could improve on the rhythm to make it flow more. the choppiness of the poem is especially noticeable in the last line.
compared to the rest of the poem this sticks out to me as it's kinda choppy. if that's what you're going for though, don't let me stop you. :>
aside from that i love this line in particular.
it just sounds really nice. i applaud you for that line.
grammar wise there is a bit of a problem that can easily be explained by poetic license. it is of course, the odd capitalization of only the first letter of the line. that along with the half-proper dialogue formatting (commas should be after unfinished dialogue that is followed by an interjecting action) is a bit confusing. sorry if i'm being too specific or annoying, i just always ask for specifics in my reviews so i try and give the same?? uhh?
anyway. i think this poem would be a lot more successful replaced (or paired with) a short story of the same subject. there are many questions that this poem leaves unanswered and even though the subject itself can be used to explain that, (dream thief; we don't know anything else about the plot because said thief stole our dream) it's still unsatisfying, at least to me.
i'd love to know more about this world the poem takes place in. who are the characters? i have so many questions!
and yeah. that's it. i really enjoyed the concept but the execution (as with all written works) could be better. please don't let my discombobulated review stop you from writing!
you have talent! keep writing! i believe in you!
later gator,
fox
First of all,I want to thank you for your review I really appreciate it.
Also,thank you for your advice,i really do have a problem with grammar and I always try to improve it but it's hard,English is not my first or second language so I always feel insecure about it.
About the story,I don't think I'll be writing a second part to it.
The character can be you or me or anyone that once stood facing a mirror,let his evil side take control.
For the ending,it depends on the reader, you turn the lights off to shut the voice or to go follow the plan.
Again,feel free to correct me in the future I would appreciate it,thank you so much for your support.
Hi there @beautifulish
I just have to say this peace has an interesting title to it. I like that about your work and i hope you create more.
Also i found an error you need to fix: the w on "what" needs to have a capital letter. Also "it's needs a capital letter as well. Finally the t on "take" needs a capital one as well. Other than that i see no other errors.
At first i was alittle confused by the she said part but, i later on learned it was her reflection talking back. I can relate to this because i've had these moments in the past.
I can not wait until this amazing piece of work continues. Even if it's not i would like to know how it ends.
Thanks again for your amazing work.
Your friend
Madison
Hello,Madison.
Thank you so much for your review,I edited my work and I hope that I corrected what you pointed out,I really appreciate that and need it.
Please show me the way and help me to improve in the future.
Thank you.
No problem if you need any help please feel free to message me.