z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

My Mother.

by beautifulish


When I was young i used to think that my mother was the strongest person i have ever known,

until i saw the cracks of her so perfect mask.

When her Mother died and when my father wanted a second wife.

When my brother shrieked of pain and a demon got the best of my sister's life.

Now i know that my mother is the strongest person i have ever met.

When the night comes she stands by the window, look up at the sky and say:

" It's okay, tomorrow the sun is going to shine again".

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Points: 35
Reviews: 3

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Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:23 pm
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yearsofpain wrote a review...



What I like about this poem is the hope element. You depict your feelings for your mom so well that I connected with you on some level. Very good poem, not much to critique. The part that struck me the most was this one: "When her Mother died and when my father wanted a second wife.
When my brother shrieked of pain and a demon got the best of my sister's life."
It is beautifully written as it is overwhelmingly captivating. Everyone needs a strong role model in their lives for when they're facing hardships. Thank you for this.




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Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:56 am
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi beautifulish! (What a fab username omg). I'm Lauren and I'm here to review!

First off, let me say I adore short poems. There's something so fantastic about feelings or ideas or moments that can be summed up in just a few lines. I can really feel the emotion coming through from the narrator regarding their mother, which is definitely the strongest part of this poem. Mothers and motherhood are fascinating, but I also really love the distant-onlooker feeling I get from the narrator. It feels like the narrator has not shared this information with their mother, but admires her quietly. I love that feeling, and whether it was intentional or not I think you definitely have something to explore there, if you want!

I did, however, have a few questions:

When her Mother died and my father wanted a second wife.

This line was a bit confusing for me, and I had to reread it. I connected "her mother died" as being the reason that "my father wanted a second wife" which struck me as odd. I think I understand this better after a second read as being to unrelated events that have made the narrator's mother strong, but anything that makes your readers have to stop and read something again is something that can be made stronger.

I'm also curious, in general, about these four things (what happened to her mother, my father, my brother, and my sister) that were the cracks in the mother's so perfect mask. These are all very interesting, unique things to happen to a person, aside from maybe the mother dying. I want to know more about what happened to cause the father to want a second wife (presumably while still being married to the narrator's mother?), what made the brother shriek in pain, and how a demon got the best of the sister's life. This would, of course, make this a much different and much longer poem. If you're interested in keeping this short, you may have to consider choosing one or two of these things and giving more context so that the reader can understand how these events made/proved the mother strong. It's one thing to tell us they prove she's strong, but another thing entirely for us to SEE how these things prove she's strong.

I'll finish things up here by pointing to my favorite lines:
When the night comes she stands by the window, look up at the sky and say:

" It's okay, tomorrow the sun is going to shine again"

I love love love this image of the narrator watching their mother standing at the window. It's such a strong, specific image that tells us a lot about both the narrator and the mother. I wonder what would happen if you framed the entire poem around this moment? What if the poem began with the narrator watching their mother at the window, then went into some of these things that prove her strong, and finishes with this last image of strength with her line about the sun shining tomorrow? Just an idea! Regardless of what you choose, this is an awesome image to end a poem on. So I hope you'll keep it at least, if not explore it further!

All in all, a lovely poem! Thanks so much for sharing. Keep writing!

--Lauren




beautifulish says...


Hello Lauren.
First of all i want to say Thank you for the review,I really appreciate it.
For your first question about the death of her mother and the father wanting a second wife,I absolutely made a mistake and forgot the "when" ,thank you for pointing that out.
I also LOVE your ideas and would definitely try them.
Thank you so much.
All the love xx



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Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:54 pm
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Silberfee wrote a review...



in between the first and second and third sentences I think it is a bit too blunt

[quote] [ When I was young i used to think that my mother was the strongest person i have ever known,

until i saw the cracks of her so perfect mask.

When her Mother died and my father wanted a second wife.

When my brother shrieked of pain and a demon got the best of my sister's life/quote]

I think it would sound better if you connected it for example:

When I was young I used to think that my mother was the strongest person I have ever known
Until I saw the cracks of her so perfect mask.
It appeared when her mother died and my father wanted a second wife.
When my brother... '

Sorry if my quote looks off I still am in the process of figuring out how to highlight quotes when reviewing on this website





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