Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Helm Medrik shivered. It wasn't particularly cold out; It was just a passing sensation, like a touch on the back of the neck. He wondered if somebody was talking about him.
He and twelve other Galthirian soldiers
waited. Three of them leaned against the outer walls of the hanger, speaking in
hushed voices; four, standing in a loose circle, passed eachother hits of
cigarettes.
The two highest ranking officers of the squad, Brel Oslindt and
Sant
Wellmar, stood near eachother by the runway, both speaking of the task given to
the squad in low tones. Medrik stood by himself, hands in his pockets. He
studied the expanse of the Martics, thought about how tiny they were compared
to the Blackcrowns back home.
"Heh. Lookin' forward to leave
time,
Medrik?"
Helm turned to see Delek Argland approaching him, buckling up his belt.
Delek Argland was stout and muscly,
bristly with coarse hair on his cheeks and shaven head, where Helm Medrik was
wiry, soft, and clean-shaven, with cropped mouse-brown hair and glasses taped
together at the middle.
Delek
looked like he was ready to pop out of
his battle dress uniform at any moment, while Helm had to cut notches into
his belts to make his uniform stay on. He needed a tailor, and badly.
"...Absolutely, Sir. Can't wait, Sir."
"Bet you can't. I mean to scratch the
itch, if you know what I mean."
You mean
the one you got on your last leave time? Helm kept the thought to
himself.
He tasted bile on the back of his throat as he stared onto the airfield, which
stood empty except for the hangar behind them. In it was one aeroplane; the
wings, wheels, propeller, and doors missing and likely sold for scrap.
Much of the grass on the center dividers were tall and unruly, and Helm saw a
tire sticking out halfway onto the runway a few hundred feet away. This place
was all but abandoned, except for the skeleton crew operating the air control
tower... And the squad of twelve.
The thrum of propellers drew their gazes.
A large, gunmetal grey aeroplane fell in
low a few klicks out, and as it descended nearer, it's landing gear eased out.
"Have you ever had a Tellarian slut,
Medrik?"
"No, sir."
"'Course you haven't. You wouldn't know
what to do with a girl if she came to your cot in a wrapped box."
"No, sir."
There was silence except the approaching
plane, which was growing louder all the time.
"You know, Tellarian girls have a special
technique they do with-"
It was Brel Oslindt that spoke
now. "Shut the fuck up, Corporal." Oslindt
turned
to the scattered group of men and bellowed. "Fall in, meat!"
The plane landed, bounced once, twice,
then eventually eased to a stop. The blow back from the propellers kicked up a
paper
bag and it flew past the squad as their battle dress uniforms rippled.
Eventually stairs came down from the plane and a lone man stepped out
slowly, clad in the green service uniform. An array of badges and ribbons
adorned his breast and the insignia on his collar showed him to be a Colonel.
He was tall, broad shouldered and muscular, with a chiseled white face and a
shock of curly blonde hair shorn at the back and temples. His eyes were a deep
blue, the kind only oil paints can achieve.
He saw everything with a bored,
thinly-veiled derision. In his left hand, he clutched a high-ball glass, with
ice cubes and a lonely olive rapping lightly in a bit of clear alcohol. On his
hip he wore a brown leather holster, loaded with a standard issue ten
millimeter handgun.
When the colonel was within six paces of them the squad snapped to attention.
Helm stared dead ahead.
"At ease. Who commands?"
"Warrant Officer Brel Oslindt, reporting, sir."
The colonel sauntered in front of the column, studying each man in the face.
"You
have everyone caught up to speed, yes?"
"Sir, yes, sir."
"Good. We're weapons clear on this operation, gentlemen... Hopefully we won't
have need of it."
Delek, stupidly, raised his voice. "What we need weapons clear for if we're
just doin' a routine 'terrogation?"
There was a stunned silence, as the colonel took a sip of his drink and walked
over to where Delek was standing. Helm could smell blackleaf smoke, and under
it a fine layer of sweet perfume. Helm thought of limes.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"Lance Corporal Delek Argland."
"Lance Corporal Delek Argland, sir. Also,
I
don't
care.
You
see
this
shit
on
my
uniform?"
His
face
was
a
mask,
betraying
zero
emotion.
"Your badges, sir?"
"Yeah. My badges. Look how many there are! It seems plain to me you'd prefer a
book with pictures in it, Corporal. Take a long good look."
There was a snicker somewhere down the file.
Calmly, the Colonel undid the strap on his holster and slid his gun out. He
checked the magazine, and satisfied, chambered it. He pulled back the hammer
and aimed it under Delek's chin.
"I'm Colonel Jon Meredus. I eat people like you for breakfast, and maybe guys
like string bean here for a light snack, y'know what I'm sayin'?" He shot Helm
a quick glance, but his eyes went back to nail Delek in place. Delek stood
stiff as a column, his face reddening. He looked... afraid, for once.
"So let me go over some basic terms with you. You understand the Chain of
Command, yes?"
Delek gulped. "Sir."
"I am the Colonel, this means you don't speak unless spoken to. You have three
phrases. "Yes," "No," and "Sir". Use them wisely. You're here to do what you
were ordered to do, and will continue to do so until I tell you to fuck off.
Got it?"
Delek blinked, his brow forming a light sheen of sweat. "Yes... Sir."
The Colonel turned away, his eyes
lidded with disgust. "Great. All
personnel, let's roll."
He holstered his gun and walked around Helm. Helm's heart caught in his
throat, but the Colonel strode away, heading for the four trucks parked down
the airfield.
Shit, I forgot that I'm the driver.
They reached the trucks and piled in. Meredus took his seat next to Helm and
Corporal Sant Wellmar
took the backseat, as Helm turned the ignition and the vehicle thrummed to
life. They all strapped on their seat belts, and as Meredus reached for his
Helm
saw something in the distance across the airfield. A black dot, barely
discernible at this distance.
Helm adjusted his glasses and strained his eyes.
It looked to him like a woman in black. Standing out in the open, staring at
them.
Helm felt his stomach turn to ropes as he hit the gas.
***
Sparrow looked on as Dreslim's car pulled into the courtyard. The car circled
around the wide circular lawn, which at its center sat a statue of the winged
goddess, Aelia. Outside the courtyard sprawled a blanket of birches that
eventually
met the foothills of the Northern Martics.
Except for the lot of land that
belonged to the Manor, the mountainside was in the grip of the trees of
antiquity. To the south sat Marta, partially
hidden by an outcropping of lonely trees at the edge of the cliff.
The manor itself was a large two story mansion, with a salmon-colored exterior
and white marble fixtures. Azaleas, red and purple and pink, grew thickly in
the garden. Six stone columns held up the upper level, and behind them stood
two thick red doors made of stained oak.
The car came to a stop, the engine dying down with a mechanical sigh. Angela
and Dreslim got out... And someone else Sparrow didn't know.
"Where's the man from A-Sec?"
"You're looking at his daughter." Angela dusted herself off and looked at
Sparrow. Her eyes were red and puffy. Sparrow glanced at the strange girl clad
in the fur coat and black cap; She looked like a vagrant. Was her hair...
silver?
"Her? Angela... Have you been crying? What the hell happened?"
"Look, it's kind of a crazy story-"
"Please. I'm all ears." Sparrow set his
hands on his hip. "You can trust
me, Angela. You know that."
"Sparrow, I don't want you involved." She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with
tears again.
Dreslim, looking like a deer in
headlights, scuttled back to his car and drove off.
"It's okay. I took care of it," the
silver-haired girl said.
Sparrow's felt his mouth twist. "I'm
sorry, and who are you?"
"I'm Lapis. Bad men wanted to take Angela
away, so I stopped them."
Sparrow opened his mouth to speak, but
couldn't find any words.
"Three men tried to kidnap me near
Missando's down on Redfish and Oak. I'm not sure what kind of things they were
going to do. I don't even wanna think about it. The driver had a pistol, with a
silencer. I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for Lapis." Angela looked
at the girl known as Lapis, with... what? Awe? Adoration? Something Sparrow
wasn't comfortable seeing.
"You're telling me this girl... Fought off
three men? Unarmed?"
"Look at her knuckles! She practically-"
Angela grabbed Lapis' hand, Lapis offering no resistance. Then Angela looked at
the smooth and unmarred white of the hand, and furrowed her brow. "Um."
"What?"
"They were bloody before."
"Look, there's more important things to
focus on right now. About these men. Do you remember what they looked like?
What kind of wheels they were working with?"
Angela bit her lip, and her hands curled
into small fists. Sparrow felt a pang of guilt. No, hold on. I didn't mean
it like that. But she spoke before
he did.
"The car was... black. An Onz Destrier, I
think. They were wearing disguises, except for the driver."
"Okay. And what did he look like?"
"Ah... He was... Thin. He had a
pompadour... An... Expensive suit."
"That sounds like a million guys this side
of Anhelion. I need something else."
"That's it. I can't remember anything
else. It all happened so fast, I didn't get to memorize anything. I'm sorry."
It was Lapis who spoke next. "He wore a
gold ring with red rock in it on his right hand."
Recognition pinched a nerve in Sparrow,
and his teeth set on edge. "Oh yeah. I know that guy. Grus Boldran. I managed
to get him
locked up two years ago for extortion and blackmail, though he'd been a little
busier than that. I guess old habits die hard."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Right now? I don't know. I haven't
thought much beyond breaking his fucking legs."
"No, please don't." She gripped the fabric
of his shirt, her eyes pleading with his. "Don't get mixed up in this. Lapis
kicked their asses. Isn't that enough?"
"Maybe she did knock them down a peg.
Maybe that is enough, for now. But what happens when their
buddies try and pick up where they left off? Angela, this isn't an isolated
incident. You're Galthirian. The stereotype is that you have gold sewn into the
lining of your clothes. So long as a Galthirian foreigner like your father sits
on a seat of power, men will come out of the woodwork to try and steal a piece.
You know this."
"We could go to the police..."
"They have the police in their pocket,
Angela. The ones that aren't rotten lack the guts to do anything beyond
standard procedure. We don't have anyone we can trust."
"You can trust me." They turned to look at
Lapis. She smiled, an innocent and unassuming look on her face.
"Look, no offense, Lapis... that is your
name, right? What's your last name?"
They both stared at Lapis a good long
while. She blinked a few times, staring off somewhere above their heads.
"...Lapis?"
"I rest my case. You're supposed to be our
head of security? She tells me you staved off three men without even so much as
a slingshot; I'm not buying it. I'm not going to go so far as to say you were
in on it, but a couple things don't add up to me."
Lapis returned his gaze, and he could
decipher nothing from her face. She was either very stupid, or afflicted in
other ways.
He stared Lapis down. "Maybe your A-SEC
dad taught you some stuff. Sure, I can concede that. But this isn't a sparring
ring for kids. If you really are able to do what Angela says you did, I wanna
see it. I wanna know that what happened there wasn't just an act."
"Sparrow, what are you doing?!"
"It's fine, Angela. Please give us some
space." Reluctantly, Angela backed away from them; Lapis stood in the same
spot, unmoving. Sparrow unbuttoned his vest and dropped it on the grass. He
drew in a deep breath and released, letting the tension in his belly subside
and the clarity of his mind shine.
His right foot shifted backwards,
narrowing the amount of his torso facing towards Lapis. He drew up his elbows
and hands, the better to block blows with. "Please, Lapis, would you be so kind
as to demonstrate your technique?"
"This is a really bad idea, Sparrow."
"Angela, don't worry about it. Neither of
us are actually gonna hurt eachother. Right Lapis?" He nodded at Lapis. "C'mon.
I need to know."
Lapis shifted the weight from leg to leg
uncomfortably. "I don't... want to fight you."
"Why not?"
"You haven't done anything wrong. You seem
like a good man. Why must I fight you?"
Sparrow was so taken aback, it broke his
stance. He couldn't find the words to speak at first. "We're not in an actual
combat situation. You're just showing me how you fight."
"Oh. So we're just playing?" She smiled
then, and locked into a stance of her own; Her arms moved over eachother, her
hands feeling and teasing the air passing through them. Her feet were planted
firmly apart as she closed her eyes and breathed deep. She has good form at least.
What sort of style is that?
"Sure." He waited for a sign of
attack, or something. If and when she struck with her right hand, he was going
to get her by the arm and have her on her back. If he attacked with her left,
he was going to deflect it and give her a good open-palmed blow in her stomach.
She wants to
get in the trenches, but first she's gotta get through boot camp.
As he mentally prepared for any
given scenario, she lashed out with her right leg, quicker than he expected. He
grabbed her by the calf and went to sweep her other leg out from under her but
she caught herself by her hands and kicked out of his grip. She flipped and
landed on one knee, rising up suddenly and ramming into him with her left
shoulder.
He definitely didn't expect that. His arms
beat into his chest and he stumbled back a pace; He rebuilt his footing, but by
then she was up, assailing him with formidable jabs and open-handed strikes.
It was all Sparrow could do to block them. Their hands and arms twirled about,
the
sounds of skin impacting skin and fabric rustling filling Sparrow's ears like a
plane engine.
Sparrow couldn't actually tell if she was holding back or not,
and her expression didn't say either way.
They broke apart, and Sparrow found
himself breathing a little heavier than usual. Lapis appeared to have expended
no energy; She gestured for him to have at her, and he felt a flush of anger
creep up his face. Who's proving their
strength here?
He cleaned up his stance, and was about to
go on the offensive when he heard a loud voice bellow from behind him.
"Enough!" The Mayor was on the porch. He
could not descend the stairs, but Sparrow was sure if he could, he would have
liked to crack his skull. "Sparrow, is this any way to treat a guest?"
"Nothing to worry about, Your Honor. Just
giving our prospective Head of Security a quick exam."
"Bugger your exam." The Mayor peered at
Lapis, who was concealed under her black cap. "She is exactly who I expected to
show up."
"My lord." Lapis dropped to one knee and
knelt, her right hand curled into a fist over her heart.
You
don't see that much anymore.
The Mayor smiled... And tears started to
form in his eyes. Sparrow's jaw worked soundlessly with confusion. "You don't
need to kneel before me. It should be me who kneels before you."
Angela gently touched Lapis' shoulder.
"Come along, Lapis. I think my father would much like for you to see the house."
Lapis rose. "If it please His Lordship."
"You don't have to call him that. I
think." Angela smiled an unsure smile and led Lapis to the porch. As they
passed the Mayor, the Mayor glanced sideways at Sparrow with a look that seemed
to say what am
I going to do with
you?
"Sparrow."
"Yes, Your Honor?"
"Your magic's showing."
Sparrow looked down and saw that it was
true; thin tendrils of icy light snaked up his forearms. Chilled air moved
about his hands, and little flakes of ice eddied in the draft.
He clenched his fists and willed his
secret down.
"Sorry, Your Honor."
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Hey beans,
I'm so slow ;n; Eventually all of your chapter will be read by me, and it will be happiness. I promise. It's just going to take a while >.>
The first part was definitely exciting.
I've got two problems:
I don't know who have the characters are that you've just gone on about. You use so many different names for so many different people that it's just confusing. Just now with a reread, I realized that the extra person I couldn't identify was really just Helm's last name. A reader shouldn't have to reread. It creates confusion and a sense of detachment from the story. Just make sure that your reader can keep up with your fast paced dialogue and introduction of characters.
My second issue is the Colonel. On one hand, I love him. On the other, I think he's a little over the top. First, you've got the gin. I mean, in a cartoon or a caricature of a colonel, that would be fine, but I think in reality that's just a little too silly. I mean, what would he do with the glass after he's done with it? It's just not professional. I have trouble believing it, and it comes off like a prop you threw in there at the last minute like he's an actor who doesn't know what to do with his hands.
Second as far as the Colonel goes is his throw down with Delek (who I also love). You have two great moments between them, but together they're just over the top. I mean, I think you should either choose the condescending, "Look at my badges since you need a picture book" or choose the gun. When they're together, it comes off like you wrote two scenes, couldn't decide which one made the Colonel look like more hardcore, so you put them both in.
Onto the second part.
Oh, I like these people. This will be fun.
I gotta quote some things here...
What happened to not wanting Sparrow involved? There's been a huge characterization shift between first chapter Angela and current Angela. It makes me raise my brow a bit, but I'll roll with it.
Put this in italics or something, so that we know what's going on.
What exactly is Sparrow's job? Maybe you said in chapter one though I can't remember it. He arrests people? He works for the mayor? He has the authority to check security? What is his day to day job? I'm just curious because it seems a little 'whatever's convenient' right now.
I did love the character interaction between Lapis and Sparrow though. His skepticism (and am I catching a hint of jealousy) is wonderful in contrast with Lapis' calm and confusion. Lapis is a fascinating character. I can't wait to learn more about her.
If you have any questions or comments, lemme know,
Megs~
All will be clear in time
As for the colonel acting unprofessional... maybe it didn't matter if he's unprofessional or not, given he thinks he's hot stuff. Or maybe...
Also, in a new revision, I've addressed a lot of these points... I should put it up xD
Hi, Beans! To be honest, I'm not quite into science fiction. It's usually a hit or miss case with me, and usually, some works lean towards miss - not this though! I had to read the prologue and first chapter just so I could give a fair review, or so I feel. Well, here it goes.
I love the imagery you set up, especially parts with regards to Lapis. Before she blatantly said it, I felt that she didn't have a clue as to who she really was. I'm not sure if that's what you intended, but I feel that because of that, you do a good job of describing things. Next, I like how you introduced the characters. Each of them felt different and each had their own interesting characteristic (like how Lapis is generally childish but would go into serious mode when the time calls for it). Also, I like how the interactions seem real despite the fantasy/sci-fi genre. Examples of this that I could point out to is the military half. Even if they were on duty, they still talked about things they did (no matter how awkward it may seem) and reacted naturally.
Now for a few corrections. I don't think you're supposed to capitalize after a semicolon, as it still as part of that sentence. I'm not too sure, but maybe you accidentally capitalized "And" right after the ellipsis in this line: "The Mayor smiled... And tears started to form in his eyes." You might really have intended it that way, signalling the dots as a full stop. I just thought I might as well quote it here in case you didn't. Aside from those, I don't think I spotted anything else. If ever I did, I believe you'd spot it right away.
Overall, this is written well. I love the story so far and I wish to see what you do with it. I've just subscribed to you. Great job!
Hey, Beans. Let's just start off by saying that I really dislike reviewing things that are chapter 2 if I haven't read chapter 1 so forgive me because I'm going through this blindly without reading the 1st chapter. I'm also not a big fan of science fiction but I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone by reading more things.
First off, I don't regret reading this. The first sentence really drew me in. It made me chuckle a little bit because Helm seems like an interesting man. The way you describe the shiver he feels amused me, because it's a realistic sensation a lot of people feel.
I wonder where you got these names. They're very unique and very midevil even though I know this is more of a science fiction piece. Normally, when I get thrown into a story on chapter 2 it's confusing for me to read but with this chapter, you describe the characters well enough that the only thing I'm lost on is what exactly they're doing there(which I'm assuming is in the first chapter).
I like the interaction between the two men, when they're talking about the Tellarian woman. It resembles a man in power and a man who is agreeing just to agree. It's refreshing to see a realistic interaction. And I laughed when they were cut off, because even I got caught up in the conversation that I thought he was going to really describe what they did.
Do you have experience with the army? You describe the interaction between the soldiers, you call them 'meat', so well that it does seem like you do or you've done the research.
I don't want to make this review too long because it is more then past the time I should be sleeping so as for the rest, I just want to quickly summarize it. I really enjoyed reading this story, regardless of the fact that I haven't read chapter one. I will be reading that, by the way, as soon as I find the time to. You have something going for you here and I can't wait to read the rest of the chapters in this series and following the characters through their journeys. You've got a subscriber here!