I landed in the middle of a city with a flash of neon light, which merged seamlessly with the backdrop of illuminated billboards. It was dark. Wind whipped my hair as I staggered away from what I suddenly realized was the edge of a huge building. I noticed that the decoder was in my hand and struggled to open it. Someone grabbed my ankle. I yelped and kicked, falling over.
“It’s just me, idiot!” snapped Amy. “Look what you’ve done! Where are we?”
“I know this,” said Lucy dreamily from behind me, golden hair swirling around her face. “This is the opening scene of The Black Phantom!”
We got to our feet and looked around us. Wayne was searching for an escape route. “No stairs or anything. We’re stuck.”
“Right!” I twisted the decoder. “We’re going straight back home!” But the small white block remained resolutely closed.
“Lucy,” I murmured, “what exactly happens in the first scene?”
“Oh, they introduce the main characters. Nathalie comes up here to rest after a bad day, she sits on the north side, then Leon comes swooping down from the south and tries to kill her.”
“That might just be a problem,” Wayne said. “We’re standing here, too.”
“Is that the north side?” I asked, fear clenching my stomach. A lonely figure was hunched on the edge of the building, fair hair falling over her white wings.
“Where’s the halo?” Wayne snorted.
Lucy was ecstatic. “It’s just how I imagined her!” I saw her face turn white under her freckles as she spun around. “Everyone, get down, now!” she commanded, blue eyes flashing. She pulled us all onto the concrete – not a moment too soon. The dreaded angel swooped over us, scything the air with his black wings, his dark face contorted into a fierce snarl.
“Cool…” breathed Lucy as the specter collided with the unsuspecting little figure. Nathalie’s wings unfurled in mid-air and the battle was on. We watched in awe as they wrestled violently, inches from death, fireballs flashing from their hands.
“This is the part where she gets him – ” Lucy craned her neck, “ – oh! Nice! Straight in the stomach!”
The black angel dropped away, trailing feathers. Nathalie rose and balanced on the edge of the building, staring down into the depths.
“What happens now?” Wayne asked.
“Well,” Lucy thought for a second, “Leon comes at her from behind again.”
“What, like where we’re standing?” asked Amy.
“Exactly,” hissed the black angel, a few inches behind me. I leapt and screamed and almost dropped the decoder. Nathalie spun around and flared her wings. I silently cursed the little block, feeling it slip around in my sweaty palm, refusing to open.
“Surrender, oh white one!” cried Leon, in the theatrical words of the novel. “If you refuse, these children will die – horribly!” A fireball appeared in his hand, which he aimed at Lucy. Her face had been transformed from delight to terror.
“This isn’t supposed to happen!” she squeaked, backing away. Leon advanced on us.
“Give up, white angel!” he hissed. “Now come to me, slowly.”
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Nathalie coming closer, hands raised in submission.
“Sleep,” he whispered, allowing the flames to evaporate in a puff of silvery smoke. Nathalie collapsed onto the concrete, soon followed by Lucy and Amy. I saw Wayne fall through a haze of sleepiness, but I fought the spell with bitter desperation. I had been unconscious too many times in the past few days. The dark angel frowned at my resistance and repeated his command. I was forced to my knees, fighting for breath. The world swayed. Leon growled. I heard his footsteps behind me, felt the sharp kick to my head and knew no more. Again.
End of chapter
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139,364 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Okay, Black back for yet another review on your really addicting piece of writing here! I no longer feel obliged, but I need a new KOGR badge and I'm enjoying the whole story idea a whole, whole, whole lot!
Okay, amazing work once again! Your action, dialogue, and style are, once again, really, really, really nice and intriguing. Your idea originality is really nice and new. However, you are sadly starting to slacken out and die on the SUPER-interesting style (this might be originality affected). Seriously though, I still really am thinking that you should go sit back down and do a good bit more work on this piece. According to me, it'd be worth your time!
Anyway, for those pesky problems. Again, though I must stress that your paragraphs are better and your description is quite nice (though the fantasy world could use a bit more stressing on the 'fantasy' part of description), you are getting a bit messed up in your style. It's not exactly cliche . . . but it's definitely not as intriguing as your previous chapters' style. There are a couple other little things I might comment on, but those come after! Lets get started!
So first off! I really am thinking you should enlarge your chapter sizes. I mean, this chapter can't be 1500 words long! That is, I guess, an acceptable size for a novel chapter, but you should really consider expanding your plot, a lot more! It would help with the story . . . in a lot of ways. Also, from what I see, the decoder takes some kind of dream scene and creates a whole world out of it. The question is is this world physical or not? You could really use to be more specific on exactly WHAT the decoder does. Also, you need to be careful with your present style of pointing out cliche's and 'universal theatricalitys! It can throw off the effect . . . sometimes.
Also, I still really think you'd do well to put together a bit more linear story. Right now there's no plot. You started off good (as mentioned), but now it seems to be going nowhere, bouncing all over the place. Looking at the story from ground level it's really okay, but if I look at it from a little higher . . . it gets weak. I advise you not to bounce around, using multiple chapters to get the decoder used and explained and all of that, and try to get to the plot a bit more quickly. Define what the decoder does, how it works, who wants it, why they want it . . . . all those good things! Then you just put them together . . . you'll get an idea of where you wanna go.
Okay, now on to my other point. This particular chapters style is getting a little bit too 'bleh' for my personal tastes. Read this piece:
Read that. Tell me if you see what I mean? Lucy's reactions. The way you get so familiar and comfy with the new story world and it's scenes so quickly, the way these people can change events and aren't just invisible. It would be kind of cool if they could change the story itself in the real world
All right! From what I see, a lot of your problems in these consecutive chapters are very, very closely related. As the story progresses here you do a good job in fixing some of your more obvious errors, but I still see a lot of plot and theme and idea pitfalls you're heading for. Don't get put out though, you've really got a lot of prospectivity on this piece (in my opinion), and I personally really do think that you should try to improve it and re-write it! I enjoyed it that much!
Anyway! Time to wind down! Good work, I'm enjoying this story (enough to go to chapter six?), and a number of your lower level styles of writing. Keep up the really good work
~Black~
Yeah I also got a little confused here...Still; it's written really well and there are very little mistakes, so well done. Your dialogue is really good - a bit choppy here or there - and you still have enough creative background writing for the reader to know what they're reading.
I love your last line, as well:
"The world swayed. Leon growled. I heard his footsteps behind me, felt the sharp kick to my head and knew no more. Again."
Really strong and heavy.
Good work.
NightWriter x
Is this meant to be a repost of chapter 5? Because I'm confused.