The Decoder - Chapter 4

by barefootrunner

Published November 25, 2011

In The Decoder

I rocketed backwards into my home world – into my home town – into one of my favorite inn’s small, rickety beds. I lay panting for a minute, then sat bolt upright. Why was I in a bed? The decoder fell out of my hand. I grabbed it, then stormed out of the room into the bar. I checked my watch. Ten in the morning.

“Hey, you,” I shouted at the barman, shouldering my way through several indignant customers. “Look here, someone has been moving me around. I was sitting in my chair – ”

“No worries, miss,” he smiled benevolently. “Ye was fallen asleep in ye chair, so me an some of the lads ’ere took the liberty of carrying you out. You were right out of it, miss. Slept sound straight through, miss.”

“Oh,” I said, somewhat deflated. “I was asleep.”

“Fast asleep, miss. Me an’ the laddies, we suspected foul play, till ye started snorin’. He-he he-he…” The laugh quickly turned into a guarded cough as I glared at him.

“One bottle of still water,” I snarled, in a reasonable imitation of Victor, slamming the payment for the night onto the counter and whipping around to glower at the indignant, but certainly very silent customers. I collected my water and marched outside, where I stepped on broken roof tile.

“Ouch – sh – ” strangled oaths escaped my clenched teeth, as I lifted my foot to check for cuts and bleeding. Fortunately, I had very hard soles from running and the jagged edges had failed to pierce my layers of fossilized skin and mud.

I limped out into the street. It was just warming up for the day and promised to be a scorcher. I clenched the decoder in my hand, peered around suspiciously and set off. It always calmed me down, running. I headed away from my home – I needed more time to think, about the decoder and the marriage. I groaned. The marriage was old news, but still worrying. She hadn’t even told me! I put on a burst of speed to get rid of the thought. The decoder. Now that was much worse. I didn’t know where to begin: one second here, the next in a pack of wolves. It just wasn’t fair. Where were the clues? The trails?

“Esme!”

I ignored the voice.

“Esme! Stop right there! I’m the town javelin champion and I’ve got a stick!”

It was Amy. I slowed and turned. She was actually posed with the damn thing ready to launch.

“Amy,” I laughed, “were you actually serious about that threat?” There was a loud thump behind me.

“Dead serious,” said Wayne, as I spun around.

“So where is Lucy?” I queried. They were the Esme Retrieval Team. I was sure that my mother paid them to fetch me when I ran. They were also my most trusted friends and training buddies. Amy was, as she said, the javelin champion. Wayne was a spectacular long jumper and Lucy was the sprint queen.

“Look behind you, Essie,” Wayne grinned cheerfully. I spun and was nearly strangled as Lucy grabbed me.

“Look at this!” she blurted, pushing a book in my face. “The new Divine Watchers novel! I just bought it today!”

Lucy was a devout follower of those rotten teen fictions with the black covers and the miserable girls skulking on the foreground. I stuck to Dickens for safety.

“The Black Phantom,” I read. “This looks nice. What’s it about?”

Lucy’s face glowed with enthusiasm. “It’s this girl, Nathalie, who is an angel. She fights the powers of eeeevil,” she reveled in the morbid syllable. “Then there’s this bad guy, Leon, who’s got magic powers! I think he’s going to fall for her and turn into a good angel too. It’s soooo cool!”

“Enough of that,” laughed Amy. “We hear that you’ve been a naughty girl. Running away from home again, it seems.”

“Did you hear the rest of it?” I growled, returning to my bad mood. “My mother has decided to marry that idiot Bernard guy! And she only told me afterwards!”

“What?! No! That is completely foul!” Amy said, shocked. “She can’t just do that!”

“I’m really sorry about that, Esme,” Wayne said sympathetically.

“Esme, we’re on your side,” Lucy declared seriously, clutching her precious volume.

I stared at my old friends, all wearing similar expressions of defiance and righteous anger, and started to laugh. It had been coming on for a while and when it burst out, it was explosive in its hilarity.

“I’m sorry,” I gasped, “I just need to let off some steam. I’ve had a very strange night – I’ve slept over at – you won’t believe me – werewolves!”

This brought on another fit of irrepressible laughter, ending in a strangled squeal as Amy poked me with the stick.

“Esme, what is going on?” she said, real concern in her voice. The team dragged me over to a bench and sat me down on it.

“Do you think she’s gone mental because of the marriage?” Wayne asked Lucy.

“Wait, she’ll probably say more once she’s gotten over the hysterical stage,” Lucy replied. She narrowed her eyes as she turned on me. “Esme, what are you talking about?”

I stopped laughing. This was going to be hard.

“Okay,” I took a deep breath, holding out the decoder. “This is a decoder. Possibly the decoder. I’m not sure exactly what it does, but it certainly can cause strange hallucinations. Last night I was holding it and it sort of transported my mind into a painting.” I could see this wasn’t working. Only Lucy seemed impressed.

“Do you think it could take people into books?” she asked eagerly.

“I don’t know! I just got it last night. I slept over at the werewolf family, remember!”

“Werewolves?” Amy laughed.

“It’s not funny! I was covered in hair! And harassed, held hostage and almost eaten!”

“Where did you get it?” Wayne asked, slowly.

“I sort of stole it – ”

“Esme!” Amy gasped. “You can’t steal things!”

“No, but this doesn’t really count,” I protested. “I was running along quietly, when suddenly this strange search party comes up and – ”

“Search party? How did you know?” Wayne broke in.

“They were carrying flashlights and stop interrupting me!” I yelled.

So, with many more interruptions despite my threats, I told the whole story.

“Ooh, you could publish that, it’d make a fortune,” Lucy observed.

“I still think you’re crazy,” said Wayne.

Amy was silent. “Prove it,” she said at last.

“All right,” I said, twisting the decoder. It snapped open. I repeated the action until it was a thin, flat sheet. Lucy raised her eyebrows. “What’s next?”

I turned it over. There was the writing.

State: Annoyed

159.323

“See?” I said triumphantly. “What happens is that the numbers race backwards yes, look – it’s going…” my voice trailed off as the torpor embraced me.

“Esme! What’s going on?” the team clutched at my shoulders. I couldn’t move.

“Oh no,” said Lucy. “Look at the numbers!”

State: Worried

153 478.1

State: Anxious

167 456.8

State: Worried

137 914.2

State: Relaxed

96 264.6

“It’s got us too!”

I cast my eyes downwards, and through a mist of happy oblivion, found The Black Phantom.

State: Alpha

672.5

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
StoneHeart
Review
StoneHeart wrote a review Review · Jun 30, 2013

Okay barefoot! I am now officially hooked and returned to review your . . . fourth chapter isn't it. Anyway, I still do feel a bit obliged to you about my not being able to do what I said I would. Plus, its review day, so why not you!

Anyway, this chapter was just as awesome as the previous chapter. It lacked some of the centrality and objectivity, but it was still really, really cool. The dialogue was great, and your action just kept me on my tippy toes . . . all the time :P I really do love this chapter a lot! You style is really showing through, and NOW I'm beginning to catch some sights of other strengths . . . Originality! To me, that's a very important factor, it shows your mind!

Okay, so for what I didn't like. Well, your paragraph size is, understandably, much better and far more controlled. Your dialogue is really making up for most of the description deficiency, but I still get a feeling a lot of the time that you're leaving me to guess just a little bit too much detail. What I liked least about this chapter is the way you started getting . . . I'm not sure what to call it: Off topic. Let me explain! (Once again I encourage you to go to working on this some – you're doing really great so far, minus that last problem!).

Okay, so I'll start with the small things. Your description deficiency. What's wrong here? Well, as a writer, you can't dilute the action and dialogue of your story TOO much by using tons and tons of description, but there's a fine line (as I think I've mentioned) as to what's appropriate and what isn't. Well, some things that you're making me assume: What the characters and the town looks like! I have no idea what ANY of the characters look like . . . not hair, not eyes; nothing! Same with the buildings. Remember what I said about FEEDING the information in and not dumping it!

Quick note that I want to drop in here!

“They were carrying flashlights and stop interrupting me!” I yelled.


One moment she's laughing hysterically and now all of a sudden she's yelling at her friends . . . that doesn't make sense. At all. From what I see of Esme's character, this isn't something that she would do at all! Anyway, it would be unrealistic! Be careful about doing things just for the sake of spicing the story up. Make sure what you do makes at least a little bit of sense :P

Okay, so next thing I want to point out is a bit of a mess with the placing of the story. From the way things look right now I'm going to say that the story setting is probably in present/ near future earth, due to certain bit's and pieces here and there. . . . You commented in chapter one that she was served a coke, that the search group had flash-lights and such. I forget if she heard any cars. But then you go and have people who are good at stuff like javelin throwing (which is a really hard thing to get good at – believe me), or sprinting, or jumping. You have an innkeeper who talks so informally (and it's an inn not a hotel). . . . Watch this here, straighten things out, or risk confused readers.

Final thing I want to cover in this review is your jump out of topic! (I know, I know!). What I mean by that is your going along great, she's met a werewolf family, she's found a decoder, she really seems to be attracted to Victor . . . and then what? Poof! She's off somewhere else! It's like you had one plan, then changed it to something else in the middle of it. Be careful here! You have to be careful! Now don't be bothered by it! Don't be! Because we all have a tendency to do that, it's in the hard work of the second draft that this problem is pains-takingly ironed out!

Now, again, I want to advise you to sit down and try to do some more work on this piece! You've got a great style, lots of action, and a cool looking story! The problems are really low-kep things that could be easily fixed if you didn't mind sitting down and spending a few weeks re-drafting this piece and getting some more quality feedback! ;) Really though! I enjoy it and am hating to think that it's going to be ending pretty soon! Also, another quick piece of advise, have her friends find out about the decoder a bit more dramatically than this. This works, you can do a whole lot better. Just a really quick suggestion! (Oh, and describing what the numbers on the decoder mean soon would really do you a lot of good I think ;)!

Anyway, I did enjoy that piece, I do think you should do more work on it, I advise you to watch your paragraph size, your grammar, your pacing, your originality, your action, your description (especially), and the way you introduce your idea! Overall, good work! Really, I'm not just saying it for the sake of it: GOOD WORK! And remember, Keep writing – Do that and this piece could become something . . . more ;)! Good luck!


~Black~

User avatar
Leahweird
Review
Leahweird wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2011

Oh snap! Ha ha, I love all the shots you took at modern teen fiction. If they are really getting sucked into that book, I think we readers are about to have a lot of fun.

One thing, when you meantion she slept over at "werewolf family" or at "werewolves" are you missing words/ it sounds like it needs a the or something.



See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney