I slammed the door and ran down the path. The twilight cool swirled around my face, even though the long-gone heat of midday had melted the tar road, which was slightly warm and sticky under my pounding feet.
“Esme!” I heard someone yell, followed by the usual “Come back!” and “Stop it, Es!”.
I didn’t care. The anger was a raging inferno in my chest. How dare they? I had to run it out, or kill somebody. But running was what I usually did. My frustrations had driven me through months of training, through triathlons, through ultra marathons. How dare they! The flat slap of my bare feet disappeared; I was on grass. Thorns and rocks stuck to the tar on my feet, but I didn’t care. My mother was re-marrying. She hadn’t even told me! Clouds boiled in the darkening sky, mirroring my mood. I cleared a grassy hill and hit a road. Posters on the lampposts stared at me. I caught something about wanted. My insides twitched with curiosity, but I smothered it under a blanket of pure wrath and ran on. I passed more posters. They were all the same. Wanted. Something or someone. Just don’t stop, I reminded myself. The sun was rapidly disappearing over the horizon, but I wasn’t worried. I had some money and could overnight at an inn. Running along the road, I reached the next grassy stretch upwards. This one had concrete steps built into it. I scaled them two at a time. It was working. I was calming down, gradually. Looking up, I spotted a strange group walking with flashlights along the path above me. They wore oriental clothes, which did not go with the HID-torches and other expensive gadgetry in their hands. My first guess was that they were a small fancy-dress party or a group of themed picnickers. The woman in front was obviously the leader, her large light making a jerking oval on the ground before her. She was talking urgently to the group surrounding her. I strained my ears inquisitively, but could make out no more than a constant babbling with a few distinguishable words in-between. I discerned the topic of conversation.
“-must find it...the decoder...invaluable...said...dropped here...” She swept her beam over the ground.
So they wanted to find the decoder, whatever that was. I watched, intrigued, as the searchers continued and I ran up to meet them. Then the leader stooped suddenly and when she appeared again, she was holding a small block in one hand. She raised it with reverence, her delicate features twisted by greed to an ugly snarl. To me, she looked exactly like the evil villain holding the weapon of mass destruction – it was straight from the movies. Then, with just meters between us, the vision shattered. The woman crumpled, her hands empty, there was a glint of light, a gentle clatter and suddenly the decoder was lying at my feet and I was blinded as all the lights swung to me. I stopped instinctively and stooped to pick it up. The object was a small, white square rather like a Lego block, but quite smooth and solid. I took my time to look at it, feel it in my hand. When I looked back up, squinting into the beams, the woman was staring down at me with murderous rage in her eyes. I took one look at her and her party wearing similar expressions – and fled. Don’t blame me for this. I wasn’t thinking at that stage, I was running on automatic. And my automatic said run.
They were all behind me, chasing, lights jumping around me, but none seemed to have trained for an ultra marathon before and when I turned off into a heavily-bushed footpath that snaked and twisted through the hedgerow, I left the lights and trampling feet behind me. Soon I was setting into a comfortable rhythm in utter, lonely silence. My breath misted the air, my blood thumped reassuringly human through my body. And all the while, I clutched the decoder tightly in my fist, the edges gouging furrows in my palm.
I emerged from the bushes onto a road and followed it into town. I intuitively headed for the nearest inn, with the small roll of bank notes in my pocket urging me to spend it. The roadhouse was a rundown old building crammed between a flashing nightclub and a broken-windowed curiosity shop. A few tiles had slid off the roof and shattered on the tarmac below. Soft yellow light sidled furtively through the blurred glass pane in the door. I gave a shy smile, smoothed my clothes and entered.
The host was cordial and detached, responding expressionlessly to my request for a table for one and a coke. I booked a room and contemplated the evening’s events. For the first time, I could look at the decoder in proper lighting. I opened my fist and carefully examined the white block. It was smooth and glossy and completely alien, but otherwise unremarkable, which led me to the second question. Why did these strange people want it so much? What had I done in picking it up? Again I attempted to find some clues in the block. I started to look for hinges or secret openings. As I twisted it in my hands, the block folded open. It split in the middle and formed a longer, thinner block. I twisted again, with the same results. An even larger block formed. Two more twists revealed a flat sheet with no visible joints or seams. I turned it over a few times, checking both sides for anything different. I sat back in my chair and sipped at my drink, trying to shift my brain into higher gear. But I only had more and more questions. I turned the decoder again. This time, there was black lettering on the pristine white surface. My heart made a wild attempt to escape via any route possible. I read the ridiculously simple lines:
“State: Tense
172 495.3”
The numbers flickered. The last digits changed slightly, back and forth.
I risked a quick glance around the room. About a dozen tables, mostly occupied, lined the walls. Low-cost lighting afforded the room a humid ochre glow. Bottles glistened owlishly through the interior smog, a hazy suspension of sweat, smoke and dust. Gentle clicks and murmurs rose from the peaceful, faceless customers all around. Tasteless paintings adorned the crumbling walls. The one above my head featured a pack of howling wolves in an atrociously bland snowscape. I realised that my quick glance had turned into a long, drawn-out stare and ducked my head reprovingly. I could feel those people searching for me, eyes roving, searchlights sweeping... I felt rooted to my chair in fear. Glancing back to the decoder, I read the neat lines of text again. The little sheet felt oddly warm in my hand, almost as if it were alive. This pointed my thoughts in another direction. I’d read books and seen movies. If this was one of them, it was probably a fantasy or adventure story. But what kind of character was I? The thieving villain? The main character, poor victim of circumstances? And what was the oriental woman? Good and evil... Evil and good...
I interrupted my thoughts and turned back to the decoder.
“State: Anxious
170 682.4”
Was it just me – or was it different? What was the first one again? I blinked.
“State: Nervous
169 985.7”
Okay, so that did it. This was some kind of tablet, yes? To read people’s minds and express the brainwaves as numbers and words. So if it was an electronic device, it ought to have some kind of control system or commands. Maybe it could do other things too...
“State: Uneasy
153 672.9”
Now I could see the numbers racing backwards, dragging me with them, I felt a deadly weight dragging me down and I was sinking... sinking... then it stopped. The last thing I saw was:
“State: Alpha
672.5”
Then the cliché happened. It all went black.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Decoder - Chapter 2Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Barefoot, sorry for never having gotten around to not taking care of my first chapters (like I said I would). I'm just dropping by to give you a few review day reviews . . . cuz I feel bad.
Here goes!
We'll see.
Okay, so first off! Nice work. Yeah, I know, I start all of my reviews like that, but really, you did a good job. Your style and pacing are really intriguing; perfect for drawing people into the story and getting them completely hooked. By the few paragraphs I was totally hooked. Your grammar is pretty decent (as is your spelling), and your description is just on the line between perfect and possibly a tiny bit under-done. Over-all . . . yeah, you definitely did a good job.
Your weaknesses? Well, really, right in here your weaknesses are mainly your style, grammar, and pacing. I know, I know, I said you did a good job on those, you did, but they still have weak spots. I'll do what I can to cover them for you – I recall you telling me that you thought The Decoder story really sucked . . . well, it looks interesting so far, really worthy of going back to and doing some more . . . really late . . . work on.
We, ahem, shall start this review with everything combined. I'll be showing you some examples of where your style, grammar, and pacing are incorrect, I'll help you with some direct fixes, and then possibly see about generalizations – obviously, only to be applied where possible. I really do think you should do some work on this though
Okay, three things you might want to keep an eye on. Biased views on how words are spelled: according to me, 'ochre' should be 'ocher', snowscape isn't a word, and 'realised' is spelled with a 'z', not an 's'. But that's not why I quoted this. Read it for yourself (noting that this is only half of the original paragraph). The paragraph is really too big . . . you should cut it down into smaller pieces. Your description is really condensed and over-formal. The best way to do descriptions – in my opinion – isn't in huge lumps, but by tossing in comments about how things look as you go along.
Ivan nodded, his blue eyes glinting in the firelight,” I know that June, sorry.”
Saying stuff like this is better than lumping together all the details in one over-sized paragraph. It's more entertaining for us poor readers.
Okay, so, just for habit's sake it's a good idea to put a slash in between double words such as midday . . .
Okay, so I promised my dear review team a decent number of reviews this review day so I must cut off at 800 something words.
Anyway, good work again! Remember to KEEP WRITING – Do this and I guarantee marked improvement! Remember!
~Black~
Hey, here to review! I'm sorry it took a few days to get to this.
I didn't really see any errors as far as spelling or punctuation. The main problems I saw were with the pacing and sentence-length; there were several instances where you tried to fit a lot of description into one sentence. For example:
This is a pretty hefty sentence. You could cut it down a bit by omitting 'furtively', since the word 'sidle' already implies sneaking or creeping. Also, this may just be personal preference, but combining 'soft yellow light' and 'blurred glass pane' into once sentence will really slow it down.
Sometimes it helps to go through and read the story out loud, so that you can tell which sentences are a little cumbersome.
You've got an interesting little gadget here. It definitely makes me want to read on, just to see what else it does, and where it came from.
The beginning felt sort of rushed. I had no clear idea why her mother's re-marriage was so upsetting, and the appearance of the strangers was kind of abrupt.
Overall, though, interesting story. Keep up the good work!
My pleasure! This is a common issue when working with fantasy genre, but definitely forge ahead for now. I want to read what happens next!
Thanks Leah!
I'll check that out, but forgive me if I first write further on the story before coming back to it. I see what you mean with the rules of the world and I'll work on putting in more details before just dumping the reader in at the deep end. I appreciate the help!
I have two,kind of interrelated critiques. TO start with, the mood suddenly changes when you mention she is running because it she is angry. You might try making her feelings clearer from the start, Similarly, I'm having trouble grasping the "rules" of your fantasy world. What is supposed to be surprising? I'm a fan of starting a story where the action happens, but in this case you migh want to take is back a little and tell us more about the daily life of esme on a normal day, jusst to provide contrast. Maybe have her going about her bussiness and then being told about her mother's remarriage? Just a suggestion.
Thanks Anoia!
By the way, are you a Terry Pratchett fan? I recognise the name as the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers. Or am I missing a different reference?
Hey
I really like this extract.
Overall, it is very captivating, and makes me want to know more about the characters, the mysterious decoder, and the strangely dressed party.
Really good- I can't thin of anything that needs changing or improving, I just want to say how good it is really!