When was the last time we did this little dance?
You lean forwards.
“Hello friend!”
You are Cold fingers prying sleep from her grasp.
Unwavering, whilst pinpricks of hemorrhaged petrichor stretch across an unnamed sky.
Work is mere trickery, dear friend,
an unsightly scheme to delay an inevitable departure.
She rises to meet you.
“I’m very glad for your company. Are you busy?”
Who could fault you?
She speaks in runes; sketching charms upon the edges of inescapable rings.
Come dance with the fairies, darling.
Self deception isn’t attractive, this you know, though I cannot deny it is oddly alluring.
You stumble backwards.
“No! Not at all! I’m not doing anything important at the moment.”
An alibi held itself in a perfect sphere against a window pane, growing heavy with warm
breaths as it struggled against rupture.
Soon it’ll burst and you’ll plot its trickle against the decline of a whispered conversation.
She glides into a retreat.
“Hello? You still there?”
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this and I especially like that even though it's not the longest, your word choice is pleasant to read. I read this like three times simply for the way the sentences flow and the words you used.
"Self deception isn't attractive , this you know, though I cannot deny it is oddly alluring." This sentence especially left something of it in me, even though I don't quite know why. Maybe it's because I thought this but have never seen anyone describe it so easily and orecisely. Thank you for that, and for this whole work.
The last paragraph is also very nice to read and it gives a good end to your poem..
thank you for the review!
Hi there and welcome to YWS! I'm alliyah, here to leave a few thoughts on your poem toda for Review Day.
So I think you have some really lovely word choice in here -- like "petrichor" and "runes" etc. which makes the poem seem magical and ethereal -- the only issue I have with word choice is that the dialogue doesn't seem to match. The dialogue is much more blunt and simplistic, and feels out of place against the more elevated language that's used throughout the piece.
I didn't think that the italics was quite necessary, although because it seemed to be used consistently I also didn't find it to be distracting or taking away from the piece at all.
There are a few grammatical and spelling mistakes I'll mention. In the second line, I believe it should be "forward" rather than "forwards". And then I'm not sure if you meant to write "You are Cold fingers", but "cold" should be lower-cased, and it doesn't quite make sense to me. "Self-deception" generally has a dash between the two words when used together.
I felt like the plot of the poem moved a bit slowly so that I had a hard time following what was going on or what it all meant. You go for some interesting points -- like "self deception isn't attractive" or "unnamed sky" but you don't really delve into anything. You go from odd saying, to next thought, and next thought, and next image without pausing to explain anything further. I think if the pace of the poem was a bit slower or the ideas condensed a bit, it would really add to what you are saying in the piece as a whole.
Overall it was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing!
~alliyah
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Thank you for the review! I'm a total poetry newbie, so this is really helpful!
No problem!
Good job! I would suggest breaking up your stanzas so they flow together better. Well done on remembering periods. I also suggest capitalizing the beginning of each stanza and commas on the end of each stanza. Well done.
thank you for the review!