Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
They raised us on stories of rivers that flowed down mountains into seas.
Weaned us on love songs and poetry,
and taught us to dance under the garden hose’s frigid shower nozzle.
We learnt the names of stars through grass that etched scars on our skin,
discovered whirling galaxies lit by torchlight,
passed notes of whispered fantasies under pre-dawn skies.
They took our hands and walked us home;
wiping dirt across our features,
as bandages tessellated against our concrete scraped knees.
Tomorrow they will sell a young girl’s soul in a glass jar,
yellow price tags peeling off the lid,
amongst others on a display case of collective insanity.
And it scares me shitless.
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141,343 Literary Works • 674,363 Reviews
Hello, E.E for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, first thing first. I did not notice any grammar or spelling mistakes so that is fantastic. Some one else might though! The flow was great and the use of metaphors and things alike was good to. Imagery was spectacular as well. It was lovely picturing galaxies covered picturing brilliant swirls of orange and red and yellow.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, you are telling us that we have been raised to think about the worst of people, to see their flaws and nothing more. We have been raised to see only what others want and see the fake things in what should be the real stuff. Society has us down grade ourself and make us see ourself like we are some mutt. Something that no one wants. Ever. You know that one day after another a girl will change herself to hope, even for a little, that she will fit in. You know that she will change herself for just an ounce of spotlight and make herself something she is not and should never ever change herself because it is not what she wants but then again, its what society wants and thats what matters right? That others care if we have perfect eyebrows and butts? That we use the right blush and aren't emo? That you aren't a girl who loves video games? That you aren't a guy and where a skirt? Please, this society SUCKS. This is what this poem is practically screaming at us, no? Or is it something personal that you are dealing with?
Otherwise, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I need to go now, Grim has some more dead to reap and I ran out of cocoa for him. Cheerios and fruit loops to you!
Hello!
Thank you for your review!
I guess its difficult to translate, I don't blame you! I've been told off for being too vague before aha. Thank you for taking the time to read it~
Hello autumnalmascot! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
They raised us on stories of rivers that flowed down {the} mountains into {the}seas.
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Weaned us on love songs and poetry,
and taught us to dance under the garden hose’s frigid shower nozzle.
We learnt the names of {the} stars through grass that etched scars on our skin,
{we} discovered whirling galaxies lit by torchlight,
{and} passed notes of whispered fantasies under {the} pre-dawn skies.
They took our hands and walked us home;
wiping dirt across our features,
as bandages tessellated against our concrete{-}scraped knees.
Tomorrow they will sell a young girl’s soul in a glass jar, {SOULS?! Where?}
yellow price tags peeling off the lid,
amongst others on a display case of collective insanity.
And it scares me shitless. {You have this marked as 16+, but make sure to make it specific to swearing}
This is a very good poem, especially for your third one on here. I'm not nearly that good yet XD A few grammar and flow issues but otherwise it makes total sense and the imagery is masterful. Great job and keep up the great work.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Your review system is so well organized what the heck :O I thought the souls were a bit abstract too aha. I'll keep your comments in mind for future work! Thank you so much~
The following is my opinion on the poem. Please feel free to reject all recommendations that you find not helpful.
This poem definitely shows an excellent grasp of language and conveys concepts in a very dramatic captivating way. I was drawn into the story via very compelling concrete imagery, such as rivers, mountains, frigid water, garden hose, whirling galaxies, scraped knees, predawn skies. A true panorama for the visual senses. Thanks for sharing! All in all an excellent poem which delves upon the failure of certain educational systems to produce citizens who are in touch with the demands of reality.
One thing I would change if it were my poem is the ending. I would make it flow with the preceding mood. I find that this conclusion brings the poet into the picture too abruptly and counters the preceding mood by telling and not showing. In other words scare us shitless but please try not to tell us that we should be scared shitless. But that's just a minor thing than can be easily modified if you wish. Just my opinion so please feel free to disregard.
Kind Regards
.
Thank you! I was worried about the abrupt ending too to be honest. I'll keep it in mind for future work!