tutorial.

*waves* I'm here to provide a (hopefully respectful) review of my own!

This is such a vivid poem, man. The imagery and elaborate series of metaphors that you create are unique, well-conveyed, and fascinating. In particular, I love the three-part metaphor about growing a forest in the narrator, embodying the way in which they've been charmed by the other person. Indeed, it's clear that the narrator is being manipulated and used, as demonstrated by the asphyxiated (I find this word apt) lungs, the bruised leaves, and the disruption of the narrator's state of mind (visualized here as an acrobat). Because of this, the poem has a tragic note to it, contrasting nicely with, and revealing the underlying reality of, the grandiose descriptions of constellations and galaxies. As for criticisms of mine, however, I found the capitalization of words to be arbitrary. My general thought process is to consider each train of thought in a poem (each ended by a period) like I consider a sentence. Just as I capitalize the first word of a sentence, I also think the first word of a train of thought should be capitalized. Hence, I'd advise not capitalizing "Sowing," "And," and "Plucked". Of course, capitalization rules are not set in stone when it comes to poetry, and you can disregard me as you wish.

Otherwise, the only other thing I have to say is that I think it's spelled understory, rather than understorey (unless that's a difference between English dialects, in which case, you're free to keep it). I must agree with a previous reviewer that this is a deep, complex, and elaborate poem (though, among many other things I disagree with them about, I do not find the formatting problematic, and I like seeing poets experiment in their writing). However, that's not necessarily a bad thing; it all depends on what kind of audience you're striving for. As that's my favorite kind of poem, I've loved this immensely, including the final note of defiance, wherein the narrator calls out the other person for what they've done. So, thanks for such a wonderful poem; well done!

Sidenote: I'd like to politely disagree with the first reviewer, because what struck me with your poem is the feeling. The feeling of uncertainty, the feeling of another having a pull on you-- pulling clovers into constellations, vines being unsteady support.
I can quite easily decipher what your lines could mean. That's the beauty of it. What they COULD mean. These lines all hold different meaning for each individual who reads your piece.
In many cases, I might argue a poem with ambiguous lines like this is too scattered, but something about your poem feels cohesive enough where you can get away with it.
I think your metaphors flow nicely together and feed off one another to create this unknowing, precarious theme. I appreciate the elusiveness.
To each their own opinion of course, but I liked your piece a lot

Wow. The word choice and originality here is amazing! I love this piece! You have excellent rhythm and flow. I don't find myself stumbling upon any kinks that need fixing when it comes to rhythm or structure.

I have two very small gripes to discuss with you. One, being the last line. I was captivated and breathless throughout your entire poem, your lines are so cutting, but the last line felt a bit off. I might play around with it if I were you, because you want to make a lasting impression with this beautiful piece. I would perhaps just add in a word or two or switch a few around in order to pack an extra punch.

For instance: "and vines do not make for anchored tightropes." Even simply adding in a more sophisticated syntax like "do not make for," just adding that 'for' can be more potent. You use such gorgeous language and vocabulary throughout the entire piece, so I want to be left with a line with more sophistication, but of course not overdone. So the concept for the last line is right on point, it just needs a stronger execution.

The second nitpick I have is "whispering wine from its canopy." Is 'wine' meant to be as in drinking wine or was that a grammatical/spelling error and it's meant to be 'whine' as in a baby whining. I feel the latter, 'whine' works best.

Besides those couple nitpicks, I am absolutely in love with this piece. Amazing job, you really have a way with words! I look forward to reading more.

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Ok, I am quite confused by the purpose of this poem. You introduce so many ideas at once, thinking people will understand. Well, even great poets like William Shakespeare used straightforward metaphors in their poems, while the ones you're using require a next-level philosopher to understand.

To address the structure, what happened? It's like a bomb exploded on your page. Honestly, I don't know whether this is supposed represent, but I'd maybe try something more orderly. The way you wrote this out makes it really hard to read with a nice flow.

Onto the poem itself:

"We are not amphibious by nature
but distance can be measured by the gaps in our fingers."
What does one have to do with the other? What do you mean about measuring distance by the gaps in our fingers?

"Calculate to the nearest centimetre,
the distance between
you,
who planted a forest between my ribs,
Sowing seeds into bone;
whispering wine from its canopy."
Why did you start a random line on 'the distance between you'? Planted what forest? Why between your ribs? What seeds into bones? How can you whisper wine?! What is this sorcery?!

"pushed along by asphyxiated lungs."
Really? Was 'asphyxiated' really that necessary? Stop trying to prove how 'great' your vocabulary is. You're not following any kind of meter, so you might as well have put 'choking'.

"You taught me to pull clovers into constellations
and weave pine-needles and self-indulgence into galaxies."
How does one 'pull' clovers? Let alone into constellations? Why pine needles (which doesn't need a hyphen btw) and self-indulgence? No matter how obvious you think it is, it really isn't from the reader's point of view.

"The milky-way I traced along the creases in my wrist,
faded in your absence."
What?! What is this even supposed to mean?!

"you cannot carve an acrobat’s carefully crafted steps
into a pierrot,"
What has one got to do with the other? An acrobat has really nothing to do with a pierrot.

"and vines do not make secure tightropes."
That is quite logical, to be perfectly honest.


Despite all the harsh comments on here, I do believe you can do better than this. Of course, this is my point of view and believe me, I'm pretty sure other readers will respond similarly. Before you start wandering of into your own world when writing a poem, try thinking about how a reader will react, not knowing a single thing about what is behind the metaphors and other poetic devices. Besides, try something simpler with basic meter and a regular rhyming scheme, like a sonnet.

Overall, I would say this poem requires a lot of improvement, but don't be discouraged and always strive to improve.
I hope my review helped, despite the harsh comments I gave.