I just wanted to say thank you to the people who gave me the constructive criticism I need. I hope I do better this time, I tried not to ramble but I think I did. Anyway, I know it's kind of soon to be posting this but I wrote Chapter 1 a long time ago so when I finished rewriting Chapter 2 I decided to post it.
I hope you guys like it!
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Chapter 2
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It was a Saturday afternoon and me and my best friend, Rose, were at the park across from our school sitting on a blanket in the warm sunshine.
“I am so glad to be out of the house, my mom is cleaning up
Cam’s little mess and she was going to make me help.” I grimaced at the thought of cleaning up after my brother, Cam.
“Heather you are so funny!” Rose said.
I sighed, Rose was only calling what I had said funny because she had a huge and unhealthy crush on my brother and liked to believe that he was perfect. But in reality Cam was anything but, he tended to leave pizza crusts all over his room and his clothes all over the house. When my mom has to clean up after him my dad and me have to move all the furniture out of the house just so my mom can clean.
“Rose, you have to stop liking my brother. It’s clouding your ability to know who’s hot and who’s not, remember how good at it you used to be?” I said.
“Cam is hot!” Rose said defensively.
I was getting really irritated with Rose defending Cam all the time he wasn’t that great.
“All right lets change the subject since we clearly don’t have the same opinions of Cam.” I said.
Rose thought about it for a while, I guessed she wanted to say something else in Cam’s defense, and said, “Okay, so did you hear what happened in seventh period English class today?”
We talked for a while longer about school and other things school-related when it started to rain, hard. I grabbed my math textbook from off of the ground and put it over my head to shield myself from the rain.
“Rose, I’m gonna head home, what about you?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m going to go home too. See you later!” She called back to me and headed down the street and toward her house.
I stood there in the rain for a minute thinking that maybe I should’ve invited her to come over since she lives further away from the park then I do, but I decided that it was too late. Then I left in the opposite direction that Rose had gone.
I got home fifteen minutes after I’d left the park and when I poked my head into the living room I saw my mom vacuuming the carpet as if there were no tomorrow, and for the carpet there might not be.
“Hey mom, it started raining outside so Rose and I left.” I strained to be heard over the vacuum. I waited for my mom to say something like, “Do you want to help me?” or, “Will you go clean that questionable sludge off of Cam’s desk?” But she never did so I yelled to her again.
“Mom,” I yelled, “what’s for dinner?”
Mom looked around and when she saw me she smiled apologetically and pulled out earphones that I had failed to notice.
“I’m sorry honey, what did you say?” Mom asked.
I hated cleaning up after Cam so I was going to tell her that I didn’t want any part in cleaning up Cam’s mess when a loud crash sounded from Cam’s room.
Oh, great, I thought, another thing of Cam’s that mom’s going to make me clean up. Like she always does.
We ran into Cam’s room and I expected to find out that Cam had been playing baseball in his room and had hit a lamp with a baseball or something. When we entered though, there was no one in the room. Not even our chocolate lab Charlie who tended to run into things (we suspected that he was losing his eyesight).
I looked around Cam’s room while Mom walked to the farthest corner of Cam’s room where a window was and said, “Heather, I want you to come and see this.”
I sighed, the lamp that I thought Cam had broken was probably shattered and Mom probably wanted me to clean it up. I walked over and stared at where Mom was pointing and gasped. The thing that had been broken was the window. There was no baseball in the room so no one could’ve been playing baseball outside and broken the window. So how had it happened? That’s what I asked Mom, her only answer was, “I don’t know Heather, I really don’t know.”
Mom left the room to go and call Dad while I stayed and looked around Cam’s room. There was nothing suspicious anywhere, the only thing that was the least bit suspicious was a hacky sack all the way on the other side of the room, but that never could’ve broken a window.
I looked back at the window hoping to find some clues as to how it was shattered and gasped. On the floor there were a few splotches of blood!
I stared at the spots of blood on my brother’s white carpet for a while deciding what to do. Eventually I decided that I wouldn’t tell mom and that I’d just clean it up (as much as I hated to) myself.
As I was getting cleaning supplies from the hall closet the doorbell rang. I yelled to mom, “I’ll get it!” Then I ran to go and answer the door.
There was a strange blonde-haired woman with an umbrella waiting outside the door. Even stranger though, I thought she looked kind of familiar.
“Um, hello.” I said as I opened the door. “Excuse me, but who are you?”
The stranger smiled and said, “My name is Angelique Fisher, but you can call me Angie.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Olivia.
I just wanted to say that so far I am enjoying the story. Though to be frank I found the beginning not very interesting. Also I was confused as to why you talked about the hacky-sack, does it have significance or were you just trying to be descriptive? Otherwise job well done.
I actually liked this part, though I don't understand why Cam doesn't clean up his own mess. My advice probably doesn't make sense. XD But I love your storyline, it's got loads of potential! Can't wait for Part 3 !!! x
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Nice story! I really liked it!! If you write more than I'll read! Only.... are you trying to make the main character to be so typical? I mean, she sounds like any other girl at an age rate of 15 to 17.... what I really meant was, what're her traits? you're going to let us see them, right? she's going to be something extra ordinary? one more thing is that she decided to clean up the blood. who in the world would do that? it really doesn't make sense! you see blood, you call whoever coud help you. you do not clean it up and push the thought away. you could write it like this "I stared at the drops of blood, it was such a deep red. My hands shot up in the air, I had to tell mom! We had to understand why there were drops of blood in my brother's room! what if someone was hurt while I just stood there staring at their blood? A soft voice seemed to embrace me, "don't do it..." it said, despite the warm, fuzzy edge to it I could feel the warning. I knew I had to listen to it, I just had to." something along those lines, get it? I think it would help!
I think this story has lots of potential, and you are good at creating characters. Just be careful with grammer! A few grammer mistakes i noticed...
'I sighed, Rose was only calling what I had said funny because she had a huge and unhealthy crush on my brother and liked to believe that he was perfect.'
I think that there should be a period between "I sighed" and the rest.
'But in reality Cam was anything but, he tended to leave pizza crusts all over his room and his clothes all over the house. '
Same thing here. I think that there should be a period after the "but".
Otherwise, great story! Keep up the good work!