Spring.
The beginning.
The sun rises
Old is born a new, and new life breathes its first breath.
The sun rises higher
More life springs from the dust
The trees blossom
this is going nowhere.
I closed my notepad with a defeated snap. I knew my sister would be disappointed that I was giving up so easily, but I think it was about time my sister realized I wasn’t that natural born poet she had disillusioned herself into thinking I was. I was a reader, not a writer.
Though I knew that wouldn’t fly with her, nothing I did would ever force her to accept the truth.
My father once told me my sister was born with Shakespeare in one hand, and Homer in the other; and I believed him. My sister breathed classics. Well, she breathed all literature actually. I swear my parents must have had a vision of her future, which was why the named her Imogen, my parents favorite female Shakespeare character, in the first place(though they’ll tell you it was in honor of my English Professor Uncle, who died a short time before she was born).
The thing about my sister was, she wasn’t just content to love literature herself, she wanted everyone else to obsess over them the way she did. That certainly wasn’t happening with our Fashion-obsessed elder sister, Melina. So as soon as I came along, well, let’s just say my bedtime reading wasn’t the lost puppy or Sally Sue counts to ten, but rather Pride and Prejudice, the Oddessy, and Hamlet.
I loved it though. In fact, it was because of my unusual culturalization that I found so much joy in the outdoors. I loved to play hide and seek in the eastern woods that covered most of our estate, or swim in the bend of the river the wound its way across it. As I got older nature became my place of serenity. My days were spent lying in the sun-filled meadow reading a book, or sitting by the river as its chattering lulled me to sleep.
A few years ago I had my father build a little white swing under the branch of a large oak tree. Overly storybook, I know. In fact, I got the idea from one of my sister’s novels.
The swing was my place. My place of solace and refuge. It seems to me I would spend hours here, listening to birds, the river, the wind, while the swings hummed beneath me. Back and Forth, Back and Forth.
I had another reason for spending so much time here. The Prince came to tea almost three times a week now, and I found it was much easier to contemplate my feelings away from the emotional tension of home.
I sighed. It was unnerving how many times he crept into my thoughts. The part of my life that belong to me was being taken over; consumed by his face, his voice, his smile...
I shook my head. I couldn’t think about him now, not during the one time, and one place, that I was free of worldly thoughts.
Being the daughter of the General of his Majesties Royal Army, it’s not surprising that I have been in close association with the royal family my entire life. Prince Nathaniel had been my childhood playmate. He played all the male roles in mine and Immy’s classical reenactments, and was always the Prince(not, like, himself kind of Prince) in Melina’s Damsel in Distress fantasies. He was always up for a game in the wood’s with us, or often me; as my sisters had their other priorities. He had been an irreplaceable part of my childhood, and my friend.
But now that were were older, everything I knew about our relationship was changing. Instead of tag by the creek it was tea in the parlor. Instead of laughing at some joke he made, we exchanged awkward glances and smiles. Or at least I did, as I doubt he ever felt the least bit uncomfortable or unsure of himself. And then there was the fact that every time I saw him my heart when into triple time, my skin flamed up, and my cheeks went redder that a sunset...
A trumpet blared. I jerked like awake like I’d been slapped.
He’s here.
I didn’t have any time to gather myself together, I was already late.
I leapt off my swing and raced toward the house, all other thoughts forgotten.
*****
It seemed I would not need the Prince’s help today, as I arrived at the house breathless, my heart pumping manically, sweating enough to make a pig jealous, and completely flushed.
"There you are" Melina snapped viciously "Finally decided to grace us with your presence have you?"
I didn’t have a chance to respond as I was suddenly surrounded by servants attacking my face with make-up brushes, styling my hair and scraping mud off my dress(thank goodness I’d put it on this morning, or they would be trying to strip me as well, and that would not have been pleasant).
My mother was a nervous wreck, she fussed over me even more than the servants did.
“Darcy dear you really shouldn’t leave this for the last minute” she fretted as she adjusted the dress along my hips.
“Lost...track...of time” I heaved between brush strokes.
“Off day-dreaming again I suppose" My eldest sister continued in her increasingly nasty manner. “I hope you realize how completely..." She broke off as our welcoming system informed us of our visitor.
“Come in” My mother said in an amazingly composed voiced, considering how strained it had been a few seconds earlier.
The door swung open, and in walked Prince Nathaniel.
Perhaps I should Describe the Prince. Imagine your stereotypical dream guy. With the naturally perfect golden hair that you just long to run your fingers through, sharp cheekbones, deep ocean blue eyes that could melt marble, flawless copper tone skin, and with a form that makes your head woozy. Now imagine a guy that makes glass seam rough, has a smile that could dazzle sun, and managed to steal the heart of every breathing female in the nation. Imagined that guy, then times his gorgeousness by about ten and you’ve got the Prince.
At least, that’s what the billboards say. That's not exactly what I think, mostly because I don’t believe in a perfect guy. Every one's got a flaw. At least, I think every one's got a flaw... almost every one's got a flaw...
“Thank you so much for Inviting me Mrs. Jefferson” came the 'smooth as honey with a rough sexy edge' voice(again, not my words!).
“oh don’t be daft, we love having you over, Your Highness" my mother cooed back, as we all curtsied respectfully. Nathaniel smiled. I felt the side effects coming already, lovely.
“All the same, I appreciate it, in fact, I brought you a little gift, Madam”
My Mother trilled. “For me? You shouldn't have”
. He grinned again as he reached behind his back and pulled a single red rose out from under his jacket. He presented it to her like a lover “For my favorite hostess.”
Mom blushed in a shade that rivaled mine.
“How sweet, your always such a gentleman”. He smiled again, but this time it was directed at me. I gulped. Trying to fight my reactions, and failing miserably.
“Excuse me, but I believe were suppose to be having tea” Imogen interceded. She seamed to be the only female in the room who wasn’t in a daze. Her tone sounded bored, which she probably was.
‘Right, of Course” My mother said, jolting herself out of her trance. “Let’s all head into the dining room”
Slowly every one began filing out until only the Prince and I remained. He locked eyes with me.
“After you” He said politely.
My heart fluttered as I turned to follow, his gaze burning a whole in the back of my neck.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hi, Artemis! I miss you, and your lovely stories! Have you written anymore of The Goddess's Song? (I think that's what it's called.)
Anyways! I'm here to review this piece, not fangirl over those! So let's get into it.
I want to start with saying that you are a very good writer. You have a perfect amount of detail and description. I never felt like you were telling, but always were showing. We got a great sense of each character's personality, and they all have noticeable similarities and differences. The main character, Darcy is very relatable, personally. I thought you developed each character and each scene wonderfully. I can't wait to see where the story goes from here.
My only criticism lies in grammatical stuff. Make sure to always proofread for punctuation, be it periods at the ends of sentences or commas in dialogue. Another big thing I noticed is capitalization. You either have words that are unnecessarily capitalized or things that should be capitalized and aren't. So make sure you're looking for those as you proofread and write!
I'm excited to read more! I hope to hear from you!
Have a great day!
Very nice first chapter. I liked the poem at the very beginning. It's suits the story very well. Did you write it? Or is it from the internet? Now for the heavy stuff. First, I think that the overall pace of the story was great. It didn't go to slow with useless details and pointless descriptions about something or someone that it utterly irrelevant to the story. But, it wasn't too fast to a point where the reader is just sitting there wondering 'who? what? when? where? how? why?' and feeling completely confused by the end. I feel like you gave us just enough information to be aware of what's going on without revealing too much since it's just the first chapter. And this prince...I'm super curious about him. Darcy obviously feels something for him. But I have a feeling that he's well aware of this and probably feels the same. Anyways, it's a really great read and I have lots of fun reading it. Keep writing. You're doing a great job! -IceWinifredd
The little poem in the beginning of the chapter is actually a great start. So far, I'm interested in the story, but I would suggest rereading this chapter because I notice a few grammar mistakes. Some sentences are run-on....some words are misspelled, but other than that the book is actually good. But I'm a little confused. You mention billboards so is this novel taken in like the present because I don't think there were billboards back then or they probably didn't call them billboards....I don't know. Good start and I don't see your chapter two. Still....keep writing and good luck.
Hi there!
This is really good, and really reminds me of my friend's novel Into the Depths. Anyways, I think you've built a really solid first chapter here. You've introduced the main points of interest, the main character, and perhaps the enemy or evil character as well. Or at least, her sister might be someone who stops her from achieving her dream boy. Anyways, there are a few things that are bugging me and I'm going to point them out for you!
My first concern is how much you jump around in this first chapter. When writing a novel, you have to remember that you don't have to get in everything at the beginning! You tell us so much about this character in such a little time, and most of the things can be saved for later. I really like starting with a book, but then you randomly jump to the things about the swing and nature. Leave that for later. You can still leave the narration telling us she jumped off a swing, but keep us wondering about that and guessing if it means anything. I think in this chapter you should stick to the books and the prince, and that's it.
Something else I'm concerned about is what time you're setting this in. It's about a prince, and I and a lot of others would like to think that princes and royals come from medievalish times? But then you say that something about the prince and his dashing good looks was on a billboard? I don't think the word let alone the thing billboard was around in medieval times. You might want to address in the story what time period this is set in better to readers. Maybe not this chapter but soon.
Another thing to go alone with the above paragraph is your voice. Your narration is very important to setting the tone and the setting in this story. If you talk more sophisticated, it will seem set in the past, if you talk about how hot the prince is, it sounds like a thirteen year old swooning over Justin Bieber. Be sure that when your main character thinks something, it sounds sophisticated, since she was raised in a privileged house, she wouldn't be thinking like some public school middle class kid.
As I said before I think this is a very solid start! Keep writing!
Classy
Hey there,
I'm not an expert on critiquing, and I think anything I could have said has already been mentioned above anyhow.
However, I am extremely curious about what is going to happen in your story. This first chapter had me hooked, and so I wish you the best of luck with further writing- can't wait to read more!
-Briggsy
Hey Artemis!
Nitpicks:
Interesting opening. I was confused at first but later I see she closes her notebook, so is this writing in a notebook that she's done? If so, I'd put it in italics or something so it's more clear to the reader.
I think this would sound a lot better in present tense. The first sentence is fine, but after that I'd go with "I know my..." "I'm giving up..." etc. The sentences will be a lot stronger.
This is a super long, run on sentence. The last part isn't necessary. If you really want to include it, start a new sentence.
A lot happens in this paragraph and I think it should either be broken into separate paragraphs or you should put some transitions between each thought.
Now would be a great time to have a paragraph about who The Prince is so your reader isn't confused.
Sentences like this bother me, rather how the sentence opens. Try to make it more active like "I've been in close association with they royal family my entire life because I'm the daughter of the General of his Majesties Royal Army."
So this is the Prince that you referred to before? I would make that slightly more clear. Maybe refer to him as Prince Nathaniel earlier cause I feel like there are two different characters here.
This can be one paragraph.
This seems informal compared to the rest of the story. Perhaps find a different way to introduce Nathaniel. Maybe the narrators breath could catch as she takes in his looks or something.
I'm confused. Not her words? Whose words are they? Maybe just take that part out and say "Said Nathaniel in a ___ voice" or something like that.
Huh?
This confused me at first. The mother said the line right? Then Nathaniel smiles? I would start a new paragraph at "He smiled..."
Combine this into one sentence.
You're a very good writer and I'm very intrigued about these characters and what's going to happen next! Your descriptions and tone are wonderful. I write in first person too but I can never seem to be able to insert this much detail into my writing. You did a really nice job.
The only big thing I feel the need to point out is the tenses. I mentioned it in the first comment about how the past should be the present to make the sentences stronger and you should do that throughout. I didn't mark all of the places but I'm sure you can find them and figure it out.
I'm super curious to see what happens next! Let me know when you post the next chapter and let me know if you have any questions!
-Carly